Clarity


Saturday morning Jonny left early with Keats and Gabe.  They had baseball tryouts and would be gone a few hours.  The low back pain that makes walking about painful, and characterizes pregnancy for me was as present as ever.  I hoped that Silas would wake minus the fever that plagued him the day before, but he didn’t.  His tears, and his need for his mommy to hold his stout 30 pounds were very much with us.  I sat on the couch in our messy kitchen, holding him while my girls began making requests for this and that;  their needs and wants not ceasing just because mommy’s back hurt and Silas was sick.  I whispered to my unborn son under my breath, needing to make his presence real, a reminder that there is a gift behind the pain that will soon erase these hard months.  I meditated on the words of a friend in a recent email, “Babies are eternal–soul-making.”

But on this day, everywhere I looked all I could see was something that “needed” to be done.  The insistent cries of “Mommy, Mommy!” began to feel like an attack.  Tears streamed from my eyes under the weight of the impossible task I had created for myself.  My mind ran wild and I lost all sense of perspective, of what is most important.

My children, blind to what I see, look around and just see a good life to be lived, and they want to live it with me.   They don’t want a mom run ragged after their messes, they want me sitting in the midst of them, listening, looking into their eyes, engaged with them.  And yes, they after all, have souls.  Why waste my worries on all that’s lifeless, soul-less?  But I do;  I waste.

So after this long day spent taking care of little ones and doing the daily things that must be done, in between breaks on the couch to hold ice on my back, I finally collapse into bed.  I wake two hours later, sweating and sick.  I spend most of my night huddled in the bathroom.  I evidently brought a little something extra home from the pediatrician’s office, having visited two days in a row for annual check-ups.  The day after,  I am forced to spend my time in bed, sipping strong tea and praying that the worst is over.  Funny what a night spent emptying the contents of my stomach has done to my head.  It’s clearer as well.  In a strange way, I am glad for the stomach virus that has knocked me down.

I lose my head sometimes and allow myself to become controlled by my environment.  I become accomplishment driven, when I should be faith driven.  I fight against my reality, and during pregnancy, the state of my body, rather than patiently accepting it.  I am thankful for the moments of clarity as my illness subsides.  I pray that I can carry some of it with me next time I am tempted to cry and despair over all that will eventually be no more than dust.

Comments

  1. Dr offices are great places to get sick! We just quit going.

  2. thank you so much for you simple and honest words. i am looking around at the boxes needing to be unpacked, the piles of “what will we do with this now? since we live in an apartment) these little souls are around me and i struggle just to get the dishes and the laundry done (and now the washer won’t rinse and empty!!) but your blog reminded me to breathe, pray, pray, breathe, start first with some Holy Writ. then be thankful. what have we been able to put away in a proper way? look at the smaller pile of boxes that have been dwindled down thanks to craig’s list buyers! its sunny today but not unbearable. we get to walk over to school to hand in the medical forms. really life is so beautiful. one project at a time. enjoying those precious souls He has given me.

    thank you ginny for your sacrifice of praise.

  3. I have dealt with lower back pain in all (6) of my pregnancies to varying degree- It got progressively worse each pregnancy to the point where I could hardly walk by the 3rd trimester with my 5th baby. Finally the 6th time around, when the pain started earlier then ever, I decided to try the chiropractor- best thing I ever did! As long as I went every week I hardly had any pain! Hope you find some relief from the pain.

    Totally random, but my family just got back from vacation in Luray VA- I thought of you and your recent post when we hiked to Dark Hallow Falls right next to Big Meadows! It was the middle of a hot busy day in the park, so we did not see any wildlife, but it was beautiful none the less 🙂

    • I am very encouraged to hear of the success you had seeing a chiropractor. I am only 26 weeks along, and I can hardly make it through a trip through the grocery store. I have an appt. on Saturday to see a chiropractor, and am really hoping that it helps!

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