(Country Store puzzle)
(Olde Buck’s County puzzle and our puzzle table)
I have been struggling with the words to write this post for days, and maybe that’s because I don’t have it all sorted out in my head yet. On the surface, everything is going well. But deep down, I’m still wrestling with the anxiety of last year, still trying to find my footing. I’m not a person who changes direction easily.
The other night, Jonny and I were running some errands and I had a route in mind. He was driving and at one point in the trip, he moved into a turning lane when I expected him to continue straight. Involuntarily, I gasped loudly. Jonny knew immediately that he must have made a wrong turn in my mind and said so with a chuckle. All I could do was die laughing over how crazy I am.
Last year, we lived mostly off of our retirement account while Jonny did freelance work and looked for a full-time job. Though we were ultimately fine, it was a very stressful year. We certainly never suffered, but I was afraid. When I am afraid, I tend to try to come up with a plan to figure out how I will save the day. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I come up with imaginary scary scenarios. I actually worked through this in therapy about a decade ago. My therapist traced it back to childhood abuse, to very real scary scenarios. And while I do believe that he was correct on some level, it wasn’t the whole story and he didn’t have a real solution for me. He didn’t tell me that I don’t need a plan for every possible emergency, because God has everything under control. God already has a plan and what I really need to learn is how to lean into it whether I know what it is or not. I need to learn to trust Him. That’s something I really wrestle with, trusting in my heart and not just on paper. I know that God has plans for my ultimate good, but how much will those plans hurt along the way? How long will I have to wait to know what they are? I dread the hard times. I fear them.
Late last summer, I decided that if Jonny didn’t get a full-time job, that I would start a photography business. (As much as I love natural dyeing, I can’t earn enough to support our family that way.) Friends agreed that photography made sense. Months before this idea took hold, I started last year by taking a photography course for fun. I started studying wedding photography as a means of deepening my knowledge. At that point, I didn’t have plans to start a business. I definitely didn’t plan to photograph weddings, but it felt good to be learning and I loved it. Wedding photography is beautiful and interesting. Having been a second shooter at a few weddings over the years, I found myself on familiar ground. And then, out of the blue, a friend needed a last-minute photographer for her daughter’s wedding. I had to laugh as she explained the situation because everything seemed so providential.
I photographed that wedding and then was asked to shoot another. Friends hired me to do senior shoots. I photographed a friend’s family and did some personal brand and event photography. I loved it all and I felt proud of myself. I realized that I could do it. I made business cards so I would be prepared when people asked, and they did. I put most of the money that I made into equipment and more education.
And then last fall, Jonny got a job. He got the job we had hoped for all along. Now he’s preparing for law school. Rather than working together to juggle things at home, it’s mostly me here as he works long hours. And we are doing quite well. When Jonny was accepted into law school nearly fifteen years ago, we decided at the last minute that it wasn’t the right time. I was pregnant with Larkspur and he chose family over career. But we’re both 42 years old now and not getting any younger. I’m not pregnant and don’t know that I will be again. I’ve lost three babies since Mabel was born, the last on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe last month. I think we are moving into a new phase of family life and I am beginning to accept it.
In the months since Jonny started working full time away from home, I’ve thought and thought about what I should be doing myself now. I pray and ask, “What do You want me to do?” I keep coming back to my vocation, my primary role which is to love my family. There are many ways to do that, and I know that working to support them financially is one way that could look, but it’s not what I believe I am being called to do right now. I hope to find time for creative work with natural dyes, there will be goat’s milk soap in my shop in a few weeks, and I may photograph a wedding or two this year. I’m waiting to see what God places in my path. In the meantime, I have eight kids in front of me. One needs help making college decisions, one needs me to carry her on my hip. All eight are hungry most of the time. Jonny and I are being intentional about date nights and alone time. I’m doing a pretty good job of staying on top of the laundry. I’m homeschooling and I’m homemaking. It’s neither glamorous nor glorious but the important work of marriage and motherhood rarely is. I’m moving towards the peace I’ve been searching for.
I don’t think I’ve ever chosen a word to focus on in the new year. (I may be wrong. My memory is terrible.) Near the end of December, just for fun, I used Jennifer Fulwiler’s word of the year generator to see what word I would get. I only generated one word, no do-overs.
My word for the year is “HOME.”
p.s. Here are my notes and the pattern for the knitted unicorn. The pattern is also available on Etsy. I knit it for Mabel for Christmas and she loves it. Here’s a link to the blue cape that Bea is wearing in the first photos.
Here is a link to the Virgin of Guadalupe print.
Also, all the jigsaw puzzles in this post are linked in my sidebar. Jigsaw puzzle love is still going strong at our house!
Tisha Friesen says
Where did the beautiful gilt Our Lady of Guadalupe come from?
Thanks!
Ginny says
Here’s a link! https://beaheart.com/collections/decor/products/gold-virgin-guadalupe 🙂
sara says
I’m so sorry about the loss of your babies! That’s such a hard cross to bear, even if you are somewhat consoled by the 8 you have to care for. I don’t know what happened, but your blog stopped showing up in my feed and I’m just catching up! I think it’s beautiful that you were able to connect your word of the year to what you’re feeling called to. I seem to get such random words and I haven’t a clue what they mean! LOL. I hope it’s a wonderful year—so many changes happening for your crew!
sarah packham says
Do you have a link to the Lawn Sale puzzle?
Ginny says
Here you go! https://amzn.to/2GDjWV7
Taryn @ WoolyMossRoots says
Hi Ginny,
I want to thank you for sharing what’s in your heart so fully. For years I’ve visited this space and been grateful again and again for your honesty and sharing. I can relate to you in wondering where to best focus my energy. Last year when Jeff was in and out of emergency surgeries and missed so many months of work- I started looking into jobs and wanted to take the financial burden off of him. I felt frustrated because so many possibilities that I explored were dead-ends. But later I was grateful those things didn’t work out. I feel like our family is being guided in new ways and I’m doing my best to breath through it all and trust, but financial fear can cause a lot of stress. My body needs me to be prioritizing my health… Jeff and I both need to make self-care a priority this year, so rather than our usual very busy travel schedule (with more money) we’ll be sticking closer to home. Home is a theme for us this year too. Doing my best to go with it and trust it will all work out.
Love to you!
Taryn
P.S. I’m so very sorry to hear you lost another baby recently. Sending so much love your way
Mary Aldrich says
I sympathize with you and i’m sorry you had to suffer. I have been thinking and praying on “fear” for a while now…actually i’m on year 2! We moved to Atlanta in August of 2018 and for many months before and after it was a constant stream of conscience prayer “I am trusting you Lord to guide my steps, I am trusting the choices we are making to stay together as a family are guided by you”. I can’t tell you how hard it was – it just was.
It was a toddler prayer “I’m trusting you God” on a repeat loop – I actually wondered if God could get sick of it – but I also think he has a good sense of humor so i just kept going.
But it was good for me, the more I trusted the more peace I felt. But it is still a daily struggle.
You will get lots of very good recommendations so i’ll add this to the list as a quick one.
https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-5nothing-fear-fear
Lou says
You are very inspirational and know that you have touched so many, many lives with your honesty and strength. I love the word for 2020—wow is that ever fitting for you! You inspired me to generate a word as well: Bloom. It’s very fitting for me as I’ve just retired from the legal field and want to find more spiritual meaning in each and every day. THANK YOU!!
Kari Cheney says
I love all of your posts, Ginny. The photos and the way you write are very relaxing to me. As I read this post today this stood out to me….
“I’m homeschooling and I’m homemaking. It’s neither glamorous nor glorious but the important work of marriage and motherhood rarely is.”
So simple, yet so profound and absolutely beautiful. May God bless you as you continue to seek Him and follow Him.
Janet Reinhart says
What a great post! SO glad you’re leaning on God for direction! Watch for those open doors! I always enjoy your openness and love your family photos – how cool that your photography is something you can use and be proud of.
Wishing you all the blessings you can handle today!
Nancy M says
I can so relate to your story. As a Christian we do need to trust that God has all things in His hands for our good and to give Him glory and you are right it’s easy to say but He often gives us things to test our faith. Sounds like you guys are doing well. HOME is a good word. Having Hashimotos also – I have read it can trigger the anxiety, the unable to think clearly or stay focused and possible the hormone changes with the miscarriages. I’m very sorry to hear about those. I know personally that is not easy. 🙁 To keep your mind busy instead of resting/relaxing. I found myself overcommitted in church service and stepped back greatly in that and am also trying to focus more on my responsibilities at home and enjoying it as time is moving fast and in a blink of an eye it will be too quiet around here. Thank you for all your inspiration! I enjoy your blog and know it takes a lot to be open with your readers. I know from your photos – that your photography would be beautiful. Blessings to you and your family this year!!!
Dawn Anderson says
Enjoyed your post, as usual. Thank you for sharing your family and story with us. So sorry for your loss, many us have the same experience. May the peace that passes understanding be with you, always.
Dawn
Beth Burchett says
Thank you for this post, and the years of pleasure your blog has given. You are a magnificent writer. Your words touch my heart and make my life a little better, and I’m sure that’s true for many of your readers. Remember that as you contemplate what work God intends for your future. ❤️
Condolences on the kids of your babies. ?
Beth Burchett says
So sorry, meant to type “loss” not “kids”
Rita says
I think it was Mother Theresa who said, “If you can’t pray, just say Thank You. That is enough” and then someone else, maybe her, but maybe not, said “Thank Him even for your troubles for all of them were given to you as lessons.” I try to remember that when its tough going. Also, I am a strong believer that there are NO coincidences. It is all God’s doing. The photography business came when you needed it: a gift from God. If you have a gut feeling you HAVE to do it, then do it. Otherwise, you have the talent and can pick it up when you need it again. With 8 children, I think working outside your home may become overwhelming and exhausting and then no longer fun. Sometimes we have to “tread water” in order to stay afloat and it can seem like that when you’d like to do something for yourself but you know you need to be home with them. Remember how lucky you are! Your husband can support all of you on his salary. That is a blessing today. [Thank you God!] and you are healthy enough and loving enough to care for 8 children, even on those not-patient-tired-of-whining days. [Thank you God] Sometimes it’s hard to remember that God is a very loving father. He may give you hardships in a lesson he wants you to learn but he always gives you the help you need or the loving hand to complete the lesson. I am a therapist and I remind my clients that if they did not have a loving father sometimes its hard to trust that God is so loving he would never really hurt us. Think of Jonny as a Father. Thank you for being so honest and sharing so much.
Theresa Boedeker says
I so relate to your dilemma. It sounds like the time is right for Johnny to go to law school, and for you to focus on home. My husband and I did this and he was about the same age. And then it may be your time to focus on photography. And even focusing on home, you will still be expanding your photograph skills with your blog and such. And when you have more time, your skills will even be better. It seems that there are seasons for things. Live your honesty and processing your thoughts for us to share.
Marion says
Sorry for your loss Ginny. Love the photos of the children. Wishing you all the best in your photography.
Marion
Linda says
I just love your writing Ginny, its like a form of therapy to me. My memory is shocking right now. I too get those ‘frights’ when my head is too muddled with trying to work everything out. I’m just trying to hear the quiet voice of God, and surrender into a deeper peace with him. I’m always seeking balance within myself. I’m in a totally different stage in life to you, our children are all grown and they have their own children. I help my daughter out two days a week with her 4 🙂 as she home schools. I run a small soap business, which pretty much runs me….every year I am seeking balance. My goal is to achieve it this year. Blessings to you dear lady ~ Linda
karen says
I was a sahm to my kiddos and loved being one. Now I babysit one day a week in my ‘retirement’ days, which is really taking care of kids (I guess that is my calling…). While I was a sahm I worried about what I was not doing all the time. Not working, no career. Now that I could do something with my career that was long ago abandoned, I have no urge to do it.
Ruth says
I love this post, Ginny. I wish you much joy from your choices this year. Sending you a big smile and a warm hug!
Jill Ruskamp says
I’ve been in (and still am in) a similar situation except only two kids are still home. And how can I really say that when I haven’t suffered the deeply sad losses you have in the past couple years. I meant with the struggle of trying to make money vs being “home”. My husband and I found the Litany of Trust a few years ago and just LOVED it. It was so fruitful for us. Google the Litany of Trust by the Sisters of Life. I think you may find it speaks to you too.
Melisa says
Ginny,
First, I want to say I’m so sorry for the losses you’ve suffered through miscarriage. I don’t know what that is like, but think it so beautiful that you are open to the lives God wants to bless you with.
I look forward to your posts , with the lovely pictures of your children (they look so contented and carefree), and your gentle words. I find encouragement in them, as I am also a homeschooling mom of 8 children.
I understand about the financial worries, as we survive on my husband’s income as a hardwood floor technician. It’s not easy, but somehow God provides. (I have a great story about a $1.00 van!)
2019 was a difficult year for us, having had a daughter diagnosed with anorexia, and another daughter diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (now our 3rd child with type 1). It was really tough, and all I can say is that I’m grateful for the prayers of friends and family, because those graces have helped us to navigate through these difficulties.
I, too, find myself wracking my brain for ways I could contribute financially to my family, but haven’t come up with anything concrete. I think it so admirable that you utilize the talents and gifts you have in wool-dyeing, soap-making, photography and writing. Bravo to you for cultivating those!
I will keep you in prayer. May God bless you and yours,
Melisa
Elaine says
Hello, I am not a frequent commenter. In fact, this might be my first comment with you. Your pictures are beautiful. You are gifted in that regard. Your writing is gentle and thoughtful. There is a gift there as well. Photography is a wonderful option for you. Have you considered writing a book about your life? You might think that your story is not book worthy, but your followers would argue otherwise.
I hesitate to express my opinion about how God works in our lives. But it is clear to me that your actions support my thoughts on this topic. Yes, God has a path for us, but he also gave us free will and we can choose otherwise. He gave us a exceptional brain, one of the best in nature, and he expects us to use it in selecting a path (I don’t believe there is only one path.). With these 2 gifts he does not want us to sit back and just wait for “a plan” to expose itself! He gave us natural talents and he hopes we will use them. He blesses people with little souls to raise and you have a bouquet of them in your lovely children. You have done ALL of this – so you are following his path(s) for you.
Your nature is caring and responsible – so you fret and worry some about events and how you can improve or manage them. Everyone does this – but some of us just hide it better than you do. I believe hiding things is unhealthy. They must be expressed and you express them here in your blog. Your concerns or valid – you feel compelled to act! That is good, not bad.
Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful blog.
Susan Kuhlman says
I am working through a very stressful experience. I had a fall out with my daughter and her behavior was so like that of my mother and sister that I had an acute flashback that caused me a huge amount of stress. It has taken me over a year to work through this, with the help of my other daughter (she took me to Europe!) and a wonderful therapist. Recently, I have discovered the work of Pete Walker, Complex PTSD. He explains the process that can be used when someone has a hint of anxiety or anger, and link it to a childhood experience. It involves experiencing anger, grief and finally forgiveness for yourself and sometimes for others. I like the way that there is a process that can be called upon when these feelings well up.
CyndaP says
Ginny,
I just started a book last night that might give you some encouragement. “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst is about trusting God during the really hard times. I’ve only read the first four chapters, but it speaks to our fear that God’s ways aren’t really the best for us, that he doesn’t really see us. Her situation is completely different from yours, but the biblical truth that she offers in this book is applicable in all situations.
I’ve never had a word of the year either, but I used the generator and my word is “untangle.” It is strangely applicable right now and I never would have thought of it.
Blessings to you and your sweet family~
Marlena says
What a great word of the year! Makes me think of the “Mary Undoer of Knots” novena. Also, the book you mention sounds really good…off to look it up.
Emanuela says
Cara Ginny, penso che la vita sia un mistero. Chi siamo e qual è il nostro posto sono le domande che tutti a un certo punto, magari inconsapevolmente, ci facciamo. Per andare avanti ci vuole coraggio e tu ce l’hai. Chi ha paura ma anche coraggio, è qualcuno che non si lascia vivere. E tu sei una persona viva. Per questa ragione anche la fragilità che qualche volta condividi nei tuoi post è, in realtà, una forza.
Quando puoi, cerca di trovare comunque del tempo per la tua creatività, perché i figli crescono e vanno per la loro strada, come è giusto che sia. E’ difficile, qualche volta duro, ma pensare una cosa alla volta, un giorno alla volta, dà sollievo. Grazie per tutto.
Elizabeth says
Thanks for sharing your story. I am a homeschooling mother too, and I feel those same struggles. My husband has had many work related issues over the past years as well. I started to feel discontent when my youngest was about two and that feeling stayed there until he hit about the age of five. Around that time I read the book Sacred rest and learned about the Enneagram, which all led me to realizing that I needed outlets. For me that led to volunteering, blogging about my goals all year long, and writing a novel. I mistakenly thought that I just needed alone time to recharge my batteries, but that was not the kind of rest I needed for my personality type. If you are into personality type things, check out the online line test for the Sacred Rest book. It was eye opening. **Its been awhile since I took the quiz, but I think they send your results to your email.
https://ichoosemybestlife.com/quiz/rest-quiz-test/
Anna says
I just wanted to say that you do important work here too. Writing and sharing. I’ve been coming here for years and years, commenting once every fifth or so :), and you have become important to me. You have picked me up, made me laugh, made me cry, inspired me to do big and beautiful things and to savour the little moments that make all the difference. Whether you photograph weddings or not, you do work that matters to people outside your glorious heap of children and for this I just wanted to say THANK YOU. With love from Anna in Stockholm, Sweden.
(PS. So very, very sorry to hear about your loss.)
Karla says
“I know that God has plans for my ultimate good, but how much will those plans hurt along the way? How long will I have to wait to know what they are? I dread the hard times. I fear them.”
Often so much of what you write resonates deeply with me. I am an introvert who struggles with anxiety and depression… being home with it kids 24/7 is a blessing but very hard for me. I, too, know God is in control, but we live in a fallen world where anything can happen. Just because I know the ending is good doesn’t mean I don’t worry about the rest of the story – it’s what I’m living here and now, however brief.
Anyway, thank you for sharing. It’s wonderful how some things work out and prayers get answered while we’re busy worrying.
Barbara says
Ginny, I also am an older woman and my word for you is stay the course. God has you right where He wants you. If you’re scrambling around trying to make things work you may be certain that that is not from the Lord! He brings peace, not distress. Your job is laid out in front of you. Look around.
Love your posts and always look forward to reading them. Keep your photography for fun time for you and if you earn while doing it that’s a bonus. ?
Dawn says
I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriages. (((Hugs))) Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone as a person who sometimes, with all of my good intentions, feels desperate to find a solution and a plan for everything, meanwhile forgetting to “Let go, and let God.” We are in a difficult financial time in our lives, and I cannot go to work, because I have a child who is facing 3 major surgeries over the next year and who faces a lengthy recovery for each. It is hard to be still, to accept, and to feel that being a wife and a mother is enough, even though it is what we are led to do. Your writings remind me time and again of what really matters most. Bless you.
Catherine says
Ginny, I read a lot of courage in your post. Courage to start in a new direction; courage to accept whatever life God sends your way (even if that sweet life ends in loss); courage to put one foot in front of the other every day. You may not feel like you are trusting God, but the way you live your life testifies that you do, you are. May it be blessed.
Leslie F says
Anxiety is so difficult. The ladies at my church recently completed a bible study (and of course I can’t remember the name of it or the author right now) but the main thing that struck me was not to say “What if…?” but ask “God, if…?” It’s easy to say “just pray about it” but now I have a definite prayer to say when the “what if’s” take over my life.
Prayers for peace.
Joan says
Wishing Jonny success in law school. Sorry for your loss.
Joan
Marilyn says
Sorry for your loss. Love the photos of the children.
Marilyn
Emily says
I’m so sorry for your grief. Thank you for sharing, though. So much of what you wrote resonates with me and my similar primary calling to be home. When I’m afraid or worried, I meditate on Isaiah 41:10. Perhaps it is a verse that will bring you some comfort too.
Anita says
I love reading your posts. This one really made me think. I have two teenage girls, one at University and the other finishing her final year at school. I stayed at home, working part time and was thinking I should try something new, but I realise reading your post home is where I’m still needed, supporting my girls, my husband and a new role of being there for my parents as life changes for them. Your post gave me peace and understanding. Thank you. Anita from the UK.
Antonia says
I appreciate your candor, and your wisdom. Thank you : )
Heidi says
First off I am so very sorry about your losses. No words really….just wish I could give you a hug.
Here my husband & I are close to retirement and still, employment & financial worries. Your words sounded exactly what I am dealing with. Sometimes it just helps to know others are out there. Anxiety is such a nasty monster. The plans & solutions go round & round in my mind….usually at 2am!!?At some point you just have to let go.
Blessings & peace to you Ginny. I think HOME is a perfect word.
Crystal says
This.
I needed to hear exactly this!
We live in a small (formerly tiny) house up a mountain, in the middle of nowhere. Most days I love it…but over the past four weeks my grandmother passed away, we lost a beloved duck (neighbor’s dog), have been hammered with snowstorms (of what feels like biblical proportions) and extreme wind chill when we are normally only -2 (currently -28) and are trying to get back into our post holiday school rhythm. And it feels like I’m just treading water (or drowning, lol). My inner planner takes over and I start to take charge all the while forgetting that these are the days to lean, even when I don’t know what’s going to happen, I know who to lean on. Yesterday my husband said I’ve just gotta trust and let go…but that is so easy to say and hard to do.
So thank you…because I needed to hear that I am, in this moment, exactly where God has placed me, serving where I am needed most, at home.
Taryn B says
I am so sorry for all of your loss. I relate so much to your fear of hard times. I have so much anxiety about that myself. And I also feel that the key to healing lies in trusting God. And knowing that He loves me, which allows me to trust Him. Blessings to you in this new season. (also, I did Jennifer Fulwiler’s generator on a whim and got “Simplify,” which was perfect, as we’re planning a scary move cross country).
Rachel D says
Amen! So true! Trusting His plan and not your own can be difficult and challenging, but doing so offers such peace!!
Blessings to you and your family!
Deb says
This could not have been a more timely post for me. I also tend to need recovery after a very stressful year, we are currently in the middle of a stressful one. And I’m already finding myself overthinking how I can earn money for my family when/if the need arises, but I am constantly being pressed by God to just love my family. To be home, without any distractions. (For me, there is no such thing as a little distraction, the slightest project outside the walls of my home consumes me.) It has been such a struggle, as I know all I am capable. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words.
P.S. We have the same puzzle taste, I love them all and don’t know which to go for first!
Ginny says
Me too! It’s so, so hard when you are in a financially difficult place to know what is best. I have such a hard time focusing on both family and outside work. I tend to fully immerse. I’m hoping that by focusing on family for awhile that maybe I can squeeze a little work in here and there without going off the deep end. I’m so sorry that you are in a stressful place. I’m saying a prayer for you right now!
Melanie says
So sorry for your losses. I know you will meet your little ones some precious day. I will meet mine, too.
I was led to stay home for 15 years, working very part-time. When it was time to return to the workplace full time, it was abundantly clear. When I stayed home, I leaned into the experience, and asked God often, “What is here that I might be missing? I know I have all I need.” I have no regrets, even if I was right to have worries. It was the gift of time He was giving me, not to be missed. Everything is sufficient unto the day.
Carry on, fine writer and artist.
Kathie says
I just LOVE reading your posts! I’m a couple of decades older than you and in a different phase of life, but, OH! how I love to read about you and your family and all that entails. My daughter is closer to your age and I share continually with her the antics and wonderful moments of your life with her. She has half as many children as you, but works full time outside of the home. However,like you, she manages things well. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are an encouragement to many and everything you do for your spouse, children and home will become a part of the legacy you leave. As an older woman to a younger one, my advice to you is, Keep your eyes on Jesus and point your children to Him! The rest is just stuff! — Your word for the year is PERFECT!! It is the “you” I see. :o) God Bless you sweet Ginny and a wonderful New Year to you!
Anna says
I loved this. There’s something about the encouragement from a woman who knows where you’re at, but also a little bit of what may be coming. Thank you! I know it wasn’t meant for me, but it worked like a charm!
Monique says
Your posts are always lovely and thoughtful. And when I see your photos of your kids enjoying nature and being outside it makes me regret not homeschooling our kids. I think their education would have been so much richer. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing, and you are doing a good job. I think I’m going to make your word my word as well. Hugs, Monique