Someone recently mentioned that when we sold our old farmhouse and moved to the home we’ve been in for just over two years now, that it felt like the end of an era. Yes, I told her, it did. But not because we left our first house behind, one that we poured so much of ourselves into for fifteen years. I felt that I left the years of young motherhood there, never to return. We grew a family in that little house, the years punctuated by new babies and sleepless nights. Shortly after Mabel’s birth I started struggling with my health and was soon after diagnosed with autoimmune disease. I’ve spent the two years since trying to get healthy, with some success.
Early last summer I had two positive pregnancy tests over a period of a few days but didn’t believe they were accurate. I showed a friend and she laughed at me. “Ginny those aren’t even “squinters.” Definitely positive.” I took a third, the type of test that says the word, “pregnant,” leaving little room for doubt. Before I could wrap my mind around pregnancy at forty, at a time when I didn’t feel healthy enough, I miscarried. Had the baby lived, it would have been due this month. I didn’t mention it here at the time because I didn’t know how to. My feelings were so mixed, so confusing. I was very sad, more so than I expected to be, but there was also relief. And how could I admit that? My feelings didn’t make sense to me, and I was not prepared to try to explain them. I still talk to that little baby, and I tell it that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I cried in fear rather than joy during the short time it was with me. I’m sorry that my body failed it. Truly, I am.
We didn’t plan on having a big family. We were very young and perhaps more than a little irresponsible when we got married. In fact, we didn’t even seriously discuss having children beforehand. Yet here I sit, having spent roughly eighteen years pregnant or nursing babies. I can’t imagine life any other way. Sometimes I long for another baby, for the rhythm I know so well, and I think of the one we lost last summer. At other times, I can’t imagine how I would manage. Stepping into the next season of life is hard. Harder still is not knowing if I am truly there yet. I just know that my baby will turn three in June and typically there would have been another little one with us by now. At the heart of this struggle is my faith, the faith that reminds me to trust rather than wonder and worry.
With Jonny still trying to find a new place in the working world, I contemplate whether I should be trying harder myself. After all, I’m not pregnant. I’m not even breastfeeding. Part of me is eager to learn more and to work more. Last week, I came very close to signing up for a two-week natural dye course with two experts in the field but decided against it. Two weeks is a long time away. While Jonny encouraged me to go if I wanted to, I couldn’t decide if I truly did want to. If it were only closer rather than a day’s drive away, if it were one week instead of two, if it weren’t so expensive,…if, if, if. There will be other opportunities and I think I will know when the time is right. For now, I’m studying books, and working with the knowledge I have. But mostly, I’m managing a very busy household and homeschooling. I’m driving kids to and from classes. I’m planning the next birthday party. I’m wondering if I could manage to sew a birthday dress by early March. I’m bemoaning the laundry while making dinner between piano lessons and catechism class.
This week we celebrated Keats’ sixteenth birthday. I took him to a concert the night before (piano and organ) and baked calzones for his birthday dinner. I remembered him at age two and marveled at him at sixteen. He was my smallest baby at birth weight-wise but also the baby who could stretch himself in ways that made me shout in pain. Had I known that he would be 6 feet, three inches tall sixteen years later, I would have thought, “Ah, that explains it.” Watching our children grow and become is certainly as sweet and exciting as those early moments of welcome.
In the midst of all the chaos of our days, my most frequent prayer lately is, “Jesus, please help me.” In quieter moments I ask for peace, for acceptance, for trust and surrender. This life is too noisy and unpredictable for me; it moves too quickly. But it’s what I’ve been given, and I am thankful. I know that I am where I am meant to be, even when I feel unsteady and unsure of what might happen next.
p.s. Well…I did not sit down to write what I did. I meant to tell you that we recently had a nice stretch of warm days, and I’m excited about spring. That I mixed up a wonderful indigo vat last week and got the darkest blues, and I may raffle off that shawl in the first photo soon for a personal cause. And also, I will hopefully be updating my shop on Friday with organic cotton gauze scarves and baby swaddles amongst other good things (including the stickers I meant to list last week). I’ll post here on Friday with a definite time, but I’m thinking mid-afternoon ET.
p.p.s. Thanks for listening. I know that really you’re reading. But to me, it feels like I’m talking and you are listening and I appreciate it.
Devon says
I have been listening and reading for so long and I want to thank you for always sharing your story so openly. I come here and find peace and someone I can relate to whether we are going through the same things or not.
Kate says
I’m sorry to over-comment but I feel so uplifted by all the voices here in the comments and from the original post- Ginny you always write beautifully and engagingly and I don’t often read the comments because… well time really… but I really feel the connection of all these women’s experiences connected here through the medium of your blog. It feels powerful and affirmative…
thanks for the time and energy and emotion you put in here year after year.
Sending love and light to you and yours
Susanne says
Like many others who have replied, your post resonated with me also. I feel for you. A little over 10 years ago, after 9 children in 12 years, I miscarried. I knew something was amiss when I didn’t have any of my usual symptoms. We all were SO sad. The end of the baby era has been hard, even 10 years later I miss it. I love all my children dearly but it is different not having little ones. I find myself thinking how I’ll do something different with homeschooling and realize I don’t have another one after to do it with or I think about re-reading a favorite story and remember that my children wouldn’t find it that interesting anymore. The seasons have changed. My children are now nearly 23 to 10 and we are sorely missing our 20 yo son who passed away this past fall.
I just want to say again, as others have put it more eloquently, how much I enjoy your homey blog. You take beautiful pictures, express yourself well and amaze me with all you do. I guess it touches home because I can relate to so much of it. I found you through a knitting link years ago and keep coming back for the beauty of life I see here. Blessings~
Mary says
God bless you; you are doing an amazing job, showing love to all your children, including the sweet one you will someday meet. thanks for encouraging us by sharing here!
Katie says
I’m so sorry to hear this, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to some of what you wrote. <3 There are so many emotions with pregnancy, or lack thereof, it's astonishing to me how deep they go. Miscarriage feels so lonely sometimes, I'm glad you're talking about it.
After having my son (and a serious virus postpartum) I have struggled with infertility and miscarriage. I stumbled across a study from 2016 related to a virus called HHV6 and decided to get tested. My test was positive, so I am being treated now, hoping to be negative soon and back to trying for another baby.
HHV6 has been in the news lately related to Alzheimers but is also being studied for a host of other things, include autoimmune disorders. I'm not sure what the testing is like for those, but wanted to throw this out there for you. My OBGYN hadn't heard of this study, but has been very open to learning about it, the testing and treatment related to infertility. We are both praying this is the answer! If it's something you think you should explore, hopefully you can also have a productive discussion with your doctor.
holly says
Thank you for writing this. I also lost a baby last summer. It is so hard to put words to it. Meanwhile we are also in a change of seasons so to speak. We are contemplating leaving our land in the country for a few years of suburban dwelling. It’s a hard choice. And, now as I sit with my window open listening to the birds and the wind (and notably, the lack of traffic) with a new baby growing in me, I wonder at the seasons and how they change and I remind myself that God’s grace is sufficient for all that life brings.
Amber Spiker says
Oh Ginny. You spoke to my mama heart in this post.
This particularly resonated with me and echoed so much of how I feel from day to day:
In the midst of all the chaos of our days, my most frequent prayer lately is, “Jesus, please help me.” In quieter moments I ask for peace, for acceptance, for trust and surrender. This life is too noisy and unpredictable for me; it moves too quickly. But it’s what I’ve been given, and I am thankful. I know that I am where I am meant to be, even when I feel unsteady and unsure of what might happen next.
Sometimes the speed at which this life of mine is moving is scary, and I just want it to slow down. My kids are suddenly between the ages of 13 and 22, and I honestly don’t know how that happened so fast. I just find myself desperately wanting to cling and hold tight to all of the moments I have with them.
Lynda says
Thankyou for writing what you did not sit down to write.
I, for one, can identify with those ‘mixed feelings’ of joy, sadness, being overwhelmed, but still wanting more… xx
Dana Michigan says
But we are listening! And praying for you an encouraging you!
Keep praying and trusting! May you rest in the peace of Jesus and our Blessed Mother!
GretchenJoanna says
You remind me of a small quote about prayer I read last week: St. Theophan the Recluse wrote: “The best prayer is: ‘Lord! Thou knowest all things. Do with me as Thou willest!’
God bless you, Ginny!
Monica says
Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand all the feelings surrounding a surprise blessing and subsequent loss. This month marks 3 years since my most recent loss and I still cry thinking of her. I’m praying for you this evening. <3
karen says
When you share your sorrows you help so many women and bring them together. You are never alone in any sadness you feel. I’ll be praying for you.
Eva says
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. I am sorry about your loss, I’ve been there too. All the best to you and your beautiful family.
Isabel d says
Dear dear Ginny… I believe that most of us who read your blog genuinely care for you and your lovely family; reading your words and seeing your photographic images are balm and antidote to the toxicity of so much of what we experience online. Thank you for your integrity in honoring your own sense of Right Time. May deep healing and peacefulness find you.
Risa says
thank you for sharing this. too often we don’t talk about the losses and difficult changes that come with family life. i so very much appreciate your blog.
Veerle Buntinx says
Hi Ginny,
I also have been following your blog for quite a few years now and it’s pretty much the only blog I allow myself to follow.:)
The pictures you take and the words you write are real, calming and soothing, it’s like drinking a cup of herbal tea.
Thankyou for using the gift that God gave you to bless others.
I wish you God’s wisdom, rest and mercy for every day.
Veerle
Jeannie Gray says
Wishing you peace and completely understanding your mixed feelings of confusion regarding the miscarriage. Ages ago, I found myself pregnant, about to turn 40, with no health insurance. We don’t even know how I got pregnant – it was one of those months where the entire family had suffered through flu, ear infections and strep throat. And my husband was still recovering from a broken back (with no health insurance) and our finances were a Disaster! My first 2 kids had been via c-section due to problems…. And this pregnancy turned out to be twins. Talk about praying for help!! It turned out that they were ectopic and I lost them both but luckily, while the experience was incredibly painful, I did not require surgery. While it was unbelievably sad, it was actually the best thing in the long run. I prayed for help – and received it.
All that to say, you are not alone and I wish you peace.
Theresa Boedeker says
Ginny, thanks for sharing your heart. We women watch our kids grow and struggle to become themselves and discover the world, and we mothers are also doing the same thing. Trying to find our way in life. And just when we think we might have things figured out, everything changes again. You thoughts reminded me once again that none of us have things figured out. And with one passage of time or change, comes a new and unfamiliar one.
Melissa says
Giant hugs to you! Motherhood is not easy no matter what stage or age. You are doing an awesome job! =)
Monique says
I am just sending you hugs…heartfelt ones.
Lori Ann says
Sending loads of hugs!
Pom Pom says
Oh, God be with you, sweet Ginny. I’m sorry for your loss.
When I was teaching middle school kids I would often put my head on my pillow and say, “Thank you, Jesus, for taking care of me today.”
You have a true gift with color. I don’t think you need to take a class (sorry to be bossy). Everyone seems to buy up your wares (and Jonny’s) so when you have time, you can fill your shop and that is good. Three years old? I can’t believe it!
Arianne says
I’ve been reading your blog regularly for years, but don’t comment much. This post really struck me. Your honesty and real ness is refreshing and touching. I’m about to give birth to my seventh child any day. I’ve miscarried too. So I’m grateful this one made it. But I relate to your mixed feelings. The overwhelm, the beauty, the health struggles. It’s not simple. You are not alone in what you feel. You are a beautiful soul.
Kerri Warmus says
Ginny, you are just lovely and your blog has been a place of comfort for me for many years. Your generous nature shines through in sharing with us, your readers. I am in my late fifties and have found it bittersweet to move into this latest phase of my life so your post truly resonated with me and I thank you for sharing it. Wishing you joy and peace in each little moment of your day.
Kate McAuliffe says
Ginny, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. As someone sitting on the other side, don’t rush to be out in the world working. Remember that raising children is your focus right now. I see that you are working to enjoy each moment. Keep up the good work. Take care and God bless.
Penelope says
Dear Ginny, I am so sorry for your loss. This is a pain I know intimately. My heart goes out to you, and you are in my prayers.
Bindy in Australia says
Oh, Ginny, that is so rough. Thank you for your beautiful honesty, and for trusting us with your feelings and experiences. Grief is never simple is it? I hope and pray that you feel accepted for your mixed feelings about having more children (lots of us feel that way, I have discovered) and that you feel surrounded by the love and care of your friends both nearby and from other parts of the world. Be gentle with yourself, and know that many of us care and support you.
Much love, Bindy from Melbourne, Australia.
Frauke says
Beautiful texts, very touching on so many levels.
All the best to you and yours,
Frauke from Belgium
Linda says
Ginny your writing is always so beautiful and heartfelt. It’s a joy to stop by. Having said that, I am truly sorry for your loss. My mum had a stillborn baby when I was about 7 years old..a little girl. I still miss that baby sister I never got to meet. One year later she gave birth to brother. God is good. Blessings to you Ginny ~ Linda
Elizabeth says
oh dear one!!! I too am so sorry for your loss!! I think you will know when you are to do something like a away from home dye class. It’s OK to not be ready for that yet. You are doing so much by being a Mother and everything else! We are listening and love you and your family!
Katherine says
Ginny, I am so very sorry for your loss. Today would have been my due date with baby number 5. The heartache is intense. I will offer up prayers for you and your little one.
Emily says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Ginny. As my little one begins kindergarten and I wonder if I will have another, I share your questions about what life will bring us next.
Angela Pitout says
oh ginny… sending gently hugs across the ocean.
it seems we all have been through this at one stage or another. sometimes we dont have heart to speak of it – and then eventually we do. it helps heal the hurt, really it does. happy birthday to your keat. have a lovely day. xx
Courtney says
Maybe your next job is writing a book on all that you’re learning. Sounds like it resonates with quite a few people. 🙂
Kendra says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Ginny. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing it the way you did. Most of us big family mamas know that the way we greet the pregnancy test isn’t the way we greet the baby after we’ve had all those months to soften. ??
Connie says
There are many unexplainable steps on the path that the Lord puts us on, and you have certainly experienced two big ones with job loss and miscarriage.
I too have experienced both.
And there is joy in the journey?.
Heather says
Oh, Ginny. I could have written this; have actually written so much of the same in my own little corner of the web. This is the next season of becoming, the new path of fruitfulness the Lord opens to us as we turn the corner from young mothers to more experienced ones. My oldest child is 21, my youngest is 3. There are 7 more in between, and many more who were welcomed by the Lord before they drew breath here. This journey is not one of simple faith, but of one shaped and reshaped by the life we are blessed to lead. Thank you for sharing a bit of yours with us.
gisela korin says
You are so honest…and have such a beautiful soul….
God bless you for that
K.C. says
Thank you for sharing, Ginny. I too miscarried after a large family. We had seven children and an extremely tight budget. We had just moved into a new home and I felt overwhelmed at the thought of another baby. After I miscarried I immediately felt regret. I was upset with myself for my feelings because I know that if God gave us a baby He would have given us the means to provide for it as well. The Lord blessed us not long after that with twins. This time I was thrilled when I found out I was expecting.
I haven’t shar2d my miscarriage with others (before now) because I feel like some people think that large families don’t experience lose or that if they do they shouldn’t complain because they already have a bunch of children.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. I rarely comment, but I’ve been a follower of your blog for six years now and I have come to think of you as a friend (that may sound odd).
In a world where everyone wants to show how everything is perfect, I feel like you are willing to show real life….kids making messes (but having fun), dirty dishes in the sink (but full bellies), a pile of dirty laundry (but a mama who is spending her time WITH her children). God bless you Ginny and the ministry you have to mama’s everywhere!!
Karen says
You’re welcome. Thank you too! ♥️♥️
Cassidy says
I’m so glad you shared this–I am not yet ready to share my own miscarriage story publicly, but I am where you are in the sense that my youngest (I only have two) is nearly two, and when his brother was this age, I was extremely pregnant, which is how I would be if we hadn’t lost that baby. I got those prayed-for two pink lines on a test last week (and every day, multiple times a day) since then, and we’re praying, praying, praying that this one is healthy. I know God’s timing is always perfect, and that I am made stronger because of the struggle (which, in the grand scheme of things, is a very minor struggle), and that I shouldn’t be fearful, but I can’t help but worry, you know?
All that to say, thank you for sharing, and I’m so, so sorry for your loss. It’s hard to share these things, but I’m always so grateful when people do. Miscarriage can feel so isolating.
Also: I am in awe of your dyeing! I am not a knitter, but I am thinking of buying some of your yarn and asking for someone to knit something for me because oh, your colors are beautiful.
Laura says
Ginny
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can relate to your feelings – the joy, the worry, the relief – all of it. I have five children, and have also had five miscarriages through the years. The last two I have had since the diagnosis of an autoimmune disease as well. I don’t think my body has been healthy enough to carry a baby. I will also admit that for one of the pregnancies (one right before a difficult move to Japan), I felt relief – and I hated that. I am now 45 (as of yesterday!) and due with baby number 6 this summer. There was immense worry in the beginning over many things, including the health of the baby. He is healthy though and our family is filled with joy. It has been a lesson to me to let go and not worry – to trust in God – for His plan is better than anything I could imagine.
I too also understand the need for quiet and order amongst a chaotic home! I am struggling with this a lot lately. I find that crafting helps me immensely and am trying to figure out how to carve out more time for this….I wish I was one that could let my house go, but I start to suffer anxiety as my house falls apart. I am so much more calm and relaxed when my house isn’t a disaster!
Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to express my understanding and sorry for what you are experiencing. I think I was in a similar place a year or two ago. Wondering and not sure what was next. And just when I was accepting the idea of no more babies, and enjoying the freedom that came with bigger kids and the youngest being 4, God blessed us with another baby. 🙂 You will be in my prayers for peace and healing!
Laura
Monica says
This is so encouraging to me! I’m 40 and wanting more babies (having lost one 3 years ago and not being pregnant since). Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Laura says
Monica, I’m so glad I could be encouraging! I rarely post anything – and almost always second guess myself when I do, so I’m so happy that I was able to help someone. Prayers for you that you are able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term!
syd says
Thank you for writing, my heart always hears your words and is grateful. I can’t really explain how much it means to connect with another mom, around the same age, with similar interests and a family kind of like mine… who is so much better than me at putting my own feelings onto paper. <3
Michele says
So, so sorry for your lost, Ginny. We lost our baby (#3 of our 4 children total) three years ago this April. I still miss him so much and his sisters still talk about him. Miscarriage is just so, so hard.