Last Sunday, driving home from Mass, Seth looked over at me and asked, “Are you crying again because I’m eighteen?” It was his birthday, and yes, I was crying because he was eighteen. I guess I’m just a crier.
Jonny and I met when I was a twenty year old train wreck and we got married six months later. We didn’t talk about having children beforehand. I’m not sure we had any of the important talks you’re supposed to have before you get married. At some point in that first year of marriage the subject of children came up and I said maybe I’d be open to adoption someday.
A little over a year into our marriage, out with my parents for lunch, I started feeling sick. I was dizzy and nauseous and felt terrible. I can’t remember who suggested a pregnancy test, but I was pretty dismissive of the idea. Obviously I wasn’t pregnant. I’d never even thought about having a baby. I had two dogs and I can’t remember how many cats (too many). I was in college. I had career plans. I did not have family plans. I wasn’t even sure how much I actually liked being married.
I don’t remember buying that test. I just remember locking myself in the bathroom with it and then dissolving into hysterical tears when I realized it was positive. Jonny kept knocking on the door, but I wouldn’t let him in. Eventually I emerged. He was all smiles and excitement and I was terrified. I called my stepmom and she told me, “It’s okay, Ginny, you’re married!” Cold comfort that was, though she of course meant well.
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that Seth saved our marriage, and maybe even my life. I’ve got a past that I don’t often talk about and it will always be with me in some form. Having Seth forced me to care about myself so that I could care for him. Knowing that I didn’t want him to grow up like I did, between two families, my attitude about our marriage changed as well. His existence changed everything for good for me. And he’s eighteen now. Birthdays always tend to make me reflect a bit about the past, but this one feels like such a milestone. So yeah, I’ve been crying.
I mentioned it on Instagram, but forgot to here…Last week, the kids came tearing down the stairs shouting that Job had cut Mabel’s hair. I feared the worst (hair cut to the scalp, right in front) so when I saw that he had only cut a large hunk out of the back, I was actually relieved, and I didn’t cry. I did the best I could to cut the rest to a similar length while she squirmed. It’s not the best, but it will grow. Job explained to me that he needed the hair for a potion, like that’s just a normal thing people do. I sighed, and asked him to come to me first in the future if he finds himself in need of hair.
We’re having a mix of warm and cooler days, and it finally feels like fall might be here. Jonny camped out with the younger kids a few nights ago, and I’ve been dyeing fall onesies with natural dyes for Mabel. They don’t all look great, but will mostly be used for a base layer, so it’s okay. I’m just having fun. Of course, she’s in a really opinionated phase (of course) and doesn’t want to wear anything that I want her to. Half the time she wants to run around in shorts with no shirt like her brothers. This morning she dressed herself in Job’s clothes and told me that she is Job. Later today I’m sure she’ll insist on a “pretty dress” and then refuse every dress I suggest.
I’m trying to do something that I love every day. It’s harder than I thought! Some days I feel so stretched that I can’t even remember what I love. Most days it’s as simple as an evening walk with my goats. What do you love? What do you try to squeeze into these days that never allow for all the things we need and want to do?
p.s. Ravelry notes for Mabel’s sweater are here. It still needs buttons. Maybe I’ll do that today, though sewing buttons on is not something that I love.
p.p.s. I begged Seth to take a photo with me on his birthday, and his expression and the phrase on his shirt pretty much sum up how he felt about that. (That phrase is one of his favorites, and I had the shirt made for him for his birthday.)
Ellen says
Our youngest just turned 18 – there’s another milestone which is bittersweet. Oh, I find I cry more as I get older – maybe it’s mother guilt with what I could have done or should have done differently for my children and happy tears that anticipate new doors opening up for them.
Emily says
Thanks for this story, Ginny. I was totally unsure and anxiety-ridden about becoming a mother but having my son is easily the best thing I have ever done and I’m only sorry I didn’t have him earlier so I have a better chance of giving him a sibling.
Happy birthday Seth!
Mary Haseltine says
Happy birthday, Seth! I cannot beLIEVE you have an 18 year old! This is absolutely beautiful. I totally relate to having to leave the house when stressed.
christine says
So many great comments. SAME!!! I have a past with two homes and I was not going to have that happen to my children. I totally understand your heart. The joy of my family saved me. Confession also. God is so good.
Heather says
This resonated with me a million different ways. I honestly thought I was alone (how selfish of me!) in having no realy plans on mothering, being somewhat blasé about even being married… and then having God utterly change my heart through the simple act of sending me a small soul to nurture! I have nine children now, and my oldest (biological) child, the one who changed it all, just turned 21. She’s the same age I was when I so casually waltzed into a marriage I had no idea how to keep or even care for. Twenty-one years. God has done massive work in redeeming the years of my youth and teaching me to surrender my own will at every turn. Like you, I am so grateful for that jarring, earth shattering start to motherhood. Who would I have been if left to my own devices? I shudder to think.
Theresa Boedeker says
Our children change us so much. And for the best. They definitely give us something bigger than ourselves to live for. Which is a good thing. Now it is hard to remember who and how I was before children.
Fun things. Taking morning walks and reading.
Lou says
A Common Buckeye butterfly—beautiful! And your Seth, he looks so much like you. He has all your good qualities, of this I’m sure. 🙂 Mabel is growing up as well and that sweater is gorgeous. Love Seth’s shirt and expression—I remember my own young adult children having the same look on their faces. So funny. I love reading your posts and savor the words you impart. Thank you, dear.
Richard (in Charlotte, NC) says
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SETH! And Happy Anniversary to you for becoming a Mother! On Dec. 12th I will be 45 years OLDER than 18. Oh to have my 18 year-old body back again and still retain all the knowledge I have acquired since that time. Alas, time marches on. Best wishes to you and your family. Your photos are still magnificent.
Rita Moeller says
Love your reflective posts the most. Doesn’t it surprise you sometimes, how God KNOWS what we need and when we need it? I’m in my 70’s now [just writing that surprises me!] And my “babies” are 45, 42 and 37 and yet I think back and remember it all so clearly. That’s why every single baby conceived is a gift from heaven. And I’m so glad you allowed God to work his wonders with you! You inspire people, Ginny. Keep writing.
For fun, I try to knit a little every day. With 6 granddaughters + one great granddaughter I always have a sweater on the needles. I also try and get to the sewing machine during the week to work on little, medium and big dresses. And a good book. Thanks for telling us about Miss Read and Village School. It’s great!
karen says
the photo of the two of you is precious – he DID the photo 🙂 I love his tee shirt too. Ginny, I love how your life is seen as blessings and that is a path to a happy life. Happy birthday to Seth!!
Marilyn says
Thank You Ginny for this interesting post. Seth is such a handsome young man. All of your children are beautiful and full of energy. Mabel is getting so big. Mabel’s hair looks fine. Wishing Seth a year of happiness and blessings. God Bless.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SETH
Marilyn
Joan says
You have a beautiful family. Mabel is quite the independent girl.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SETH Have a wonderful,happy and blessed year
Joan
Marion says
Ginny this is a wonderful post. Love reading about the goings on with the family and the animals.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SETH Wishing you many,many more.
God Bless
Marion
Bonnie says
What beautiful children you have! Your son looks so much like you. I love hearing your sweet testimony. We all have regrets but I love you you focus on what’s most important.
Tisha Friesen says
a past, yes…but also a future in your children by the grace of God! He was calling out to you, and with you in every moment, and you have accepted His call and His will.
Tisha Friesen says
a past, yes…but also a future in your children by the grace of God! He was calling out to you, and with you in every moment, and you have accepted His call and His will. Blessings to you, to Johnny and to Seth.
Bikurgurl says
Oh, Mama!!
God Bless you and your family <3 For your motherhood to come full-circle, having an adult in your home, is such a blessing to those of us just a few years behind you.
Here's to what I'm loving today — a few moments to catch up on my favorite blogs, drink my coffee, and know that today we have no where to be but with one another <3
Karen says
Birthdays are beautiful milestones. We forget. I make timelines and wrack my brain to mark them. Oldest sons remain so cherished (even when they are 37 like our oldest) and those first months of motherhood are other worldly and also so transformative. Nothing on earth has changed me as much as becoming a young mother. My passionate husband and our precious four children, oh how God has used them to refine me. I’m so thankful. The haircut (for a potion) is priceless. I love the dye colors. God be with you, good Ginny.
Mary says
I love my 24, 20 & 18 year olds and my husband. I love the shirt cause there are days I’d rather be in purgatory! Where’d ya buy it?
I love this warm weather we’re having in the NE – and I’m hoping and praying for this weather the rest of Fall & all of Winter! It’s been great walking (something else I love!) weather even the cloudy rainy days.
I love the scarf I’m crocheting (hdc & sc st) – maybe because it’s so easy and fast many friends will receive one for Christmas.
Shannon Dennis says
One of my favorite posts yet. Oh, who am I kidding, I love all your posts. Children do a good job of teaching us to number our days, don’t they? And I am smiling imagining all you go through trying to convince Mabel of anything. My three year old’s outfit of choice is a pair of undies that she changes hourly, depending on her mood and what design she wants. I’m just glad she is happy to agree to clothes when going on outings.
Sarah says
I laughed out loud when I read that job needed the hair for his potion. Kids ??.
Renee says
Thank you for sharing this. Beautiful!
Melissa says
I love that your kids are expressing their individuality and creativeness. It reinforces my decision to be that kind of parent as well. Thank you! =) And of course he would wear that shirt, and love that phrase, he’s eighteen … its awesome! =)
S says
Happy birthday to Seth and after reading your story to you as well! Thank you for sharing that vulnerability.
As moms the day does get filled up but I walk my dog almost daily and always pause to look around at least once to acknowledge the beauty of an ordinary day. After reading Katrina Kenison’s book Gift of an Ordinary Day, I recognize how much I love the ordinary and am so lucky to have those days regularly. Reading, a cup of tea, watering the plants – those are all things I love and can do regularly!
Maria says
Love the shirt and the expressions in the first picture! Haha we have always laughed about my mother, who always cries on each of our birthdays and says, “I remember the day you were born. ” We’re never quite sure how to interpret that… My favorite things to do are to work with my young horse and walk with the dogs-never enough time to do either!
Theresa says
I think in a way our kids save us from the worst of ourselves. I don’t have a dark past. I was simply a flighty ninnyhammer. My firstborn is special needs. What brings you down to earth faster than that? And Ginny? He’s 15 this year, he’s taller than me, and I’m run-walking two 5ks with him next month because he has cerebral palsy but he wants to RUN. <3
What keeps me happy? My “bakers dozen” chickens. Knitting…when my toddlers haven’t hidden the yarn…
Dana says
Happy 18th Birthday Seth!
(my ‘babies’ are 36, 33 and my twins turn 29 this coming November!)
Marybeth says
I LOVE the shirt. I laughed out loud when I saw it. It would be perfect for my 19 year old son. Mable’s hair looks so cute. You did a great job. She looks older now.
Glad to hear you are making potions in your house. My kids used to do it too. We are very big Harry Potter fans. There are several recipes online for some of the potions and drinks. We used to make the butter beer all the time. They are fun to make this time of year.
Marybeth says
Oh. I forgot. I have a past too. I had my oldest 5 days after I turned 19. She is the love of my life and I have never regretted it. It was hard but worth it. She is 25 now and lives out of state. Miss that kid so much. Her dad and I are still going strong and so very much in love. Everyone said to give up the baby and don’t get married. We didn’t listen to them. Glad we didn’t. We all have a past and it made us who we are today. I like who I am and I like you too.
Christine Pereira says
It is so hard when you see your “babies” turning into adults! Our oldest is now 55 and our youngest is 42 and it is still hard. Seeing the oldest start getting (and commenting about) stuff from senior citizens is really, really difficult to grasp.
Pre-cana conferences are good “get ready, set, go” options for Catholic youths preparing to enter the adult world via marriage, but it never really gets you ready for the realities of becoming a parent, wife, woman in today’s world. You kind of always have to “wing it” when becoming a wife, partner, mother … it is always much easier to proselytize about it than actually “live” it. Hang in there.
Hard to believe that Mabel is now looking so much older, I still see her as an infant in my head! The older kids seem to be progressing much as my grandchildren are – way, way, way to fast!
Elizabeth says
wow, Seth is really a man now. God bless him as he reaches more milestones and may God bless each of you! Wonderful how God brought you a child that brought with him so much healing as you reached out for healing and better ways for him!
Amanda says
We all have pasts. But I know what you mean when you say a child saved you. Me too, Sister, me too. And now that child and his siblings are all in their 20s and it does just get better…..most of the time.
Kris S. says
I became a mom one month and two days before I turned 18. I’d all ready graduated from high school (I was a ‘smart’ girl who’d skipped a grade, an honor student, who got messed up with–and then dumped by–the very wrong guy) five months before my baby was born. I don’t remember much of my senior year other than negative things associated with that relationship, and then the battle I had convincing people that I was going to have and keep my baby. The words that were said, by people I loved and trusted, created scars on my heart that I still carry.
But when that little baby (a son, the first of two sons and two daughters I would go on to have) turned eighteen I was shocked by the overwhelming sense of relief I felt: I had done it, raised a happy healthy well-adjusted child all the way to adulthood; he hadn’t suffered or been neglected by my poor decisions made at the tender age of seventeen. I knew I’d been a good mom to him (as well as my younger kids), in spite of all those naysayers I’d been surrounded by during my first pregnancy.
Even so, few people I’ve met after marrying my husband (when my eldest son was 3 years old), know that I was a teenaged single mom. It has mostly been something I’ve kept hidden, partly out of shame, and partly out of not wanting my son to be judged by that fact.
I hear you, Ginny, about the things in our youth that we don’t talk about and yet they turned our lives to the good and saved us from what we could otherwise have been mired in.
Ruby says
Happy birthday and happy BIRTH day to your both! I have a similar story with my 16 year old—had her at 20 but our marriage was a shot-gun wedding….yes, I have a past, too, I love how you phrase that. 🙂
Taking an evening walk with our goats is one of our favorite little activities, too! But I hardly ever can find the time to do it & that’s just a travesty.
I hope you’ll sell those onesies someday in the shop. Before Harmon is potty-learned, preferably. 😉 🙂
Laura says
Thank you for this glimpse into your life and for sharing the perfect and not so perfect parts. You make me laugh out loud, ache for the younger Ginny and give me hope for you the adults who struggle to find there way!
Laura says
And Happy 18th Birthday to Seth! May he have a blessed year!
Penelope says
Time sure does squeeze a mama’s heart, doesn’t it … wishing you a blessed season of motherhood, Ginny, as you traverse this new terrain of parenting young adults … what a blessing to have young ones still, too!!
Becky says
The picture of you and Seth is perfect! It is a time-capsule moment!
And I love hanging laundry on the line, drinking coffee that someone else made, eating chocolate, and running an errand ALONE and listening to loud rock music that I would never play with children in the car (windows down, of course).
Bee says
Happy belated birthday to Seth!
Thank you for sharing a bit about your younger self on here. I always enjoy reflection posts :).
I don’t have kids (yet), but I’m turning 30 myself in a few months…and it’s making me reflect on all sorts of things. Kids, career, where I’ve been, where I’m going…but then, very often we can’t plan what’s actually going to happen, can we? It’s a huge cliche, but I’m realizing that more and more.
Anyway…loved this post, love coming here for some quite time :). Two things I always try to squeeze in, even when I’m busy, is a walk outside and some time to read. It doesn’t always work out, but I try!
Much love to you!
Bee says
Quiet* – typing on a phone, sigh!
Stacy says
I love ice cream after the kids go to bed. Our eight are fifteen and under. Thank you for sharing your heart.
s says
Eeks – I agree – it is hard to remember what you love… I’m glad I’m not alone. Congratulations on your milestone 🙂
Elizabeth says
Oh! I can’t express in words just how much I LOVE that first photo of you and Seth. And his shirt cracked me up, I thought it must be from some cool catholic hipster shop or something ;). I am amazed how much of a real man he looks now. We don’t get to see him very often here, so when I do see your older boys, it’s a bit of a shocker. They are huge and manly! I hope that behind the tears, there’s also a lot of pride and happiness that you helped this little baby grow into a man.
Stephanie says
Oh, those bittersweet birthdays. My son is two years behind yours, but those have started with a vengeance around here. Next year will be his last year in high school (and my daughter’s first in kindergarten!!!), and I know I’ll be emotional. Happy birthday to your boy. 🙂
Melissa says
Oh! The lucky person who doesn’t “have a past that I don’t often talk about and will always be with me in some form“.
Katrina says
Birthdays definitely can be bittersweet, with all the reminiscing that goes on! Seth has become such a handsome young man!