Summertime is a messy time. I write that as if fall, winter, and spring are neat and clean. I need to face the music: life is messy year round. Sometimes I am really good at accepting that and not tying it to personal failure on my part, but instead to my families’ priorities. We are all fond of big messy projects and tend to choose them over housework most days. We’re homeschoolers. We’re supposed to do this stuff, right? But sometimes I totally snap and start walking around my house seeing all the work that needs to be done and I start to cry. Saturday was one of those days for me. And this was the Saturday that followed the Friday night that I went kayaking with Seth. According to Jonny, kayaking is really good for me. It should help me to destressify (yes, that’s a made-up word.) Though, clearly it isn’t full-proof. Maybe the problem was that I made the foolish choice to take my camera complete with big heavy zoom lens this time. (Won’t ever take a camera again. And because I am right now remembering that someone asked how I protect my camera: I use Pelican cases) Or maybe it was that the flies were biting and I had to spend a lot of time slapping them off my arms and legs.
As much as I do love this new water world of mine, kayaking isn’t going to save my soul, if you know what I mean. But paddling around in the water does give me some time to think things over. On Saturday, I told Jonny that sometimes I feel so oppressed by a heaviness that seems to be rooted in my desire to do a good job raising our family, and that my failings in this department are so evident that it just crushes me. He suggested that my very best (perfection in my mind) might not be necessary. That maybe I just need to focus on doing it without holding myself to a unreasonable standard. I am human after all. I can’t be perfect.
I am reminded (yet again) of St. Therese of Lisieux and her “little way” and what an important message she has for the tired mother whose work never ends, the mom whose job is never finished. It’s not what you do, how perfectly you do it, or whether you finish even, but where your heart is in the process. I struggle because I really love to complete things. I like to see results. But so often I am drowning in laundry and my kids are fighting again. Clearly, the performance mentality I am struggling with is not going to work for me. And really, what is that about anyway? I am afraid that at the heart of it, I fall into a pattern of serving myself, rather than my family and even worse, rather than God. I just want to clean a room and have it stay that way. I want to teach my kids a lesson and see them take it to heart. I want to go somewhere as a family and not have kids fighting over who sits where because they are all so kind and generous with each other (because I am doing such a phenomenal job of raising them thank you very much-ha!) Thankfully, God isn’t demanding to see results: perfection in housework or even mothering, he’s just asking me to do these things with love. As long as I am striving for the unattainable, and for the wrong reasons, I am going to find it difficult to love. I need to focus on the heart behind my every task, rather than the finished product, or how well it is done. I need to accept the fact that I can’t parent perfectly. I need to get back to doing small things with love. And hence, the name of this old blog of mine. The reminder in my face of the lesson I can’t seem to live consistently. It’s not the product, but the process. I was not made for performance, or perfection of task, but for love. Just do the next thing, don’t worry about doing it well so much as doing it with love. Okay, Ginny? You got that? Love.
MotherOwl says
Thanks for a well-timed kick in my butt.
Heidi says
You should read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown!!
Carlin says
Oh Ginny, your words are so lovely, but mostly I just hope you are finding peace about it all. It sounds like you are here. I can relate to everything you write, and I don’t think there is a right or wrong. Only love. <3
Erin says
Hoo boy. I think you write for everyone who has too much to do and not enough time in which to do it. I felt sooooo guilty for my constantly messy (and even dirty, at times,) house and could NOT figure out how friends kept theirs neat, tidy and clean. I still wonder, and have come up with possible answers: there is someone, (husband, mother, helper) to help with the day-to-day mess; tiding up comes above most all else; cooking does not take much time (I had rather involved recipes,); and/or there is hired help, often. Having as many kids as you without full time help would make anyone nutso sometimes with all the work, believe me! I had three, with the last one rather difficult much of the time. My husband didn’t realize it, but when the house got quite messy it made him a little cranky, so count your blessing concerning Johnny!
My kids are grown and out of the house now, and I’ve come to fully realize that even with and a little help with the heavy housework due to a bad back, I’ll never have a sparkling house. And I don’t love this about myself, but it’s ok!! Close friends in whom I’d confide my inadequacies would tell me that no one cares how my house looks, but it bothered me no end, just the same. My children are good people, not perfect, but good, and that is most important. I got through it and you will too. As for having children who are not happy to help out and who fight, I’d bet the vast majority of parents have kids like this! I hope by the time my kids have kids, they will realize how much ‘helping out’ means to moms. 🙂 As for me, I’m still waiting, most of the time….. But when they come home, I’m one happy camper!
Jenny says
Probably one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written…maybe because you wrote it for me, about me. 😉
Ann says
You have helped me put to words the internal struggle I battle daily, thank you! I often find that the re-direction I offer my children is just as much for my own ears (or more!) – love! Remember kindness! Think of others before yourself! I need those reminders…and with that I will add, purity of intention. Thank you for sharing your heart, it’s given me the lens to see into my own. Blessings
Mary R says
Oh, Ginny,
Your post brought back so many memories for me. My “baby” is now 25 and lives in his own house. He is our only child; very much longed-for and very much loved and welcomed after years of infertility. Knowing that he would most likely be an only child, I felt so much pressure in the first year or so to be the “perfect” Mom and give him the “perfect” childhood. When he was a toddler and I was stressing trying to make that perfect life, a wise older friend gave me advice that rang true and I have never forgotten it.
Her words: “Mary, you don’t have to be a perfect Mom. You just have to be a good enough Mom. Brain surgeons have to be perfect when in surgery but not necessarily in the rest of their lives. For Moms raising children, it is enough to have moments of perfection and then be good enough and loving and kind to you family and yourself the rest of the time. The last little bit it takes to try and achieve constant perfection will suck the joy out of your family and the life you are sharing. Your house can be good enough clean. Your chores can be good enough done. Just be a good mother and God will take care of the rest.”
I have never forgotten her words and when times were tough (and even now as I navigate “parenting” a young adult) my mantra is often “it’s enough to be good enough”.
Sending prayers and thoughts your way,
Mary
Sarah says
Wonderful post Ginny! Thank you!
Isabel says
If only we could learn to see the “mess” as the perfection of life being lived. You are exactly in the right place.
Kendra says
I shared your Saturday, tears and all.
An overwhelming wave of too much to tackle – a sea as far as the eye could see -too little energy, too few helping hands to pitch in without grumbling, two teenagers that try my every sense and capability…
Thankfully Sunday was a new day, one where calm prevailed and peace rested on my heart.
It is a journey to raise a family one that I am trying hard to let go and let God…be the guide. When I accomplish this in a day I try to hold on for dear life, that feeling of ‘ahhhh’ everything is going to be okay.
Anna says
You photos look so peaceful and calm – dispute how messy life seems on the inside. Such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing this honest perspective! Very much appreciated! Anna
Helga says
Thank you,
this post was really a gift to me.
Your thoughts and feelings – they are so very similar to my one.
Let us drown perfectionism in the water of those very, very beautiful photos you made on this kayak-tour with your son!
Your eyes are open for the beauty around you and that`s one of the most important things in life…
kim schildbach says
Can you please come and tattoo this on my forehead!
Seriously, the thing I struggle with the most, even more than the mess of 7 living in a small(ish) house is the SHAME I feel for wanting order (even if only for a little while). I had a teacher who helps me with my daughter (she comes to the house) comment that I need to just “let it go” and know that “Ani’s books and other items are just going to take up a lot of space and make a mess”.
I felt such shame after that comment. She didn’t mean it but what I heard was “you are putting order above your daughter”.
Na – uh! I am not! But I function better this way – with the attempt (hourly) at order and peace. And I’ve decided after reading these comments that I’m not going to let the shame hit me in the stomach anymore.
I will do small things with love and one of them will be for myself (whom God loves – maybe I need that tattooed). I will keep my house in order and peace and then I will snuggle my children close. And I will do it all for His glory.
xxoooo
Diane says
Beautiful, Ginny. This is so universal, this could easily be the ‘Mother’s Creed.’
Hannah says
I found your words very encouraging, and your photos gave me a nice sense of peace. They are beautiful pictures!
Emily says
Ginny, I think you might like the book “A Little Way of Homeschooling” based on St. Therese’s teachings. It keeps my heart on track when I start freaking out.
Ginny says
Thanks, Emily! I read it years ago, and might ought to revisit it!!
Karis says
I live here, too, trying to find balance. My mother always reminds me “do not let the perfect be the enemy of the good,” and it is a short sweet lifeline I cling to.
Ginny says
My friend Eve was just over at my house reminding me of that same phrase–such a good mantra!
Theresa says
Yes, preach it. I am constantly failing at this same thing–wanting to see results and failing to do things in love. Perhaps this is one of the lessons that motherhood teaches us in the monotony of chores and doing and redoing of the same thing day after day, year after year.
Brooke says
Yup.
These posts are why I check your blog every day.
xoxo
Thank you for them.
Jeannine says
Ginny,
I can totally relate to your “heaviness,” I was bothered by that for years. Wondering if I was doing enough for my kids to be considered a great mom, judging by the world’s standard, feeling tremendous guilt every time I wasn’t so perfect, losing my cool, raising my voice, even though I was actually doing my best and trying very hard to do all things right. For some reason the “heaviness” would hit me hardest the very moment I knelt to pray during communion. Begging God to help me be the best mom I can be, praying and telling God I could not do it without Him. I’m not suggesting someone needs to do this or carry the guilt, because a friend once told me there is no need to parent bash, most parents do the best they can. I believe this could be true. Maybe even the worst are doing the best they can. However, I can say those prayers during communion, lifting myself up to God, asking for His guidance and strength, have really changed me. I may not be perfect, but I am doing the best I can do for my children with no need for guilt (and it’s pretty much gone). I know I am a great mom by His standards not the world’s because my days are guided by the most perfect father possible and I am learning from Him. God Bless you. I really admire the mom you are:)
sara says
My husband often says to me, “Don’t let your ideal get in the way of the real,” because, well, I guess I have a tendency to do just that. Also, I’d really like to order this print and have it on my wall because I need to read it every day: http://www.gracelaced.com/store/learn-to-love-what-must-be-done
Thanks, Ginny, for always being wonderful!
Ginny says
“Don’t let your ideal get in the way of the real” I love that!
Michelle says
Dear Ginny,
I’m a long-time reader, first-time commenter.
I’ve been reading your blog for years – I think I started a couple of years after your family adopted Gabe. I talk about your blog often with friends and family and I often find myself trying to explain my fascination to them because there’s a disconnect between me and you. You’re a country mom, I’m a city mom. You homeschool, I do not. You believe in God, I don’t.
I question myself as to why I read your blog if I firmly do not believe in God, who clearly is very important in your life and guides you and often your words. I am truly mystified by the choices you’ve made in your life – So many children! Giving up things for Lent! Homeschooling ALL the years! I often re-read your “about” pages, trying to understand. Maybe understand is the wrong word – maybe it’s relate. Is it because I don’t believe it God, it’s hard to relate? That’s what I thought.
This morning, I read this post at work, and kept the tab open to remind myself I needed to cut and paste that last paragraph, print it out and put it on my fridge. It’s been a hard year, a very long month for my family, and I need this reminder that was written so well. So, I did, and then automatically started removing the “God bits” from the paragraph. And then realized that doing that was wrong. It takes the power out of what you wrote. So, I deleted it and now I’m writing this comment to you.
Now what, I’m thinking to myself…
Well, I am going to print out your paragraph as is, first of all. It will remind me that I’m not the only person out there who struggles, and I can name one – Ginny. When I pass the fridge and read that paragraph, I will probably replace the word God with that nebulous feeling that I have in my heart about much longer I have lived past what I was told, and how I want all of these years to be filled with love and gratefulness. The paragraph will also acknowledge my two young girls’ blossoming relationship with God, and hopefully guide them in doing their best everyday guided by kindness.
Thanks Ginny.
Lorrie says
Michelle,
I’m so glad that you finally chose to comment. Had you not, I (and who knows how many other readers) would have been deprived of the authenticity of your emotion and your beautiful words.
Thank you.
Ginny says
Thank you so much for sharing this, Michelle. I really appreciate your words. There must be some reason or force greater than us both that draws you here. Well, you know what I believe about that. 🙂
Karen says
My kids are grown and the house still isn’t as clean as I want it. I regret not playing more when they were growing up. Don’t be like me.
Laura says
If you really and truly wanted a clean room and children that don’t fight, you would have only had one child. Instead, you did opt for love. Because you have enough of it. Perfection? Who cares about it? It certainly isn’t found on earth.
Lois says
Your photo of the raccoon is priceless! Thanks for sharing!
Meryl says
Don’t we all need this reminder from time to time? It’s so true. (And your kayaking photos are beautiful.)
Amanda C says
You’re certainly not alone! I feel much the same!
I feel woefully inadequate some days. I think the rigors (or the weight we put upon ourselves) are part of the modern life we live. But, then again, Zelie Martin had her troubles as well, even with a willful Thérèse!
Alicia P. says
And when I say “worst advice” I truly don’t mean to judge anyone who gave it — I totally understand that they were being very kind and saying “let go,” “it’s okay,” etc. But it didn’t actually help me (I’m not evolved enough, I think). I’m still searching for the right balance. I think it’s to be found in there somewhere.
Alicia P. says
See, it’s funny — I never think of this as perfectionism. I think it’s “perfectly” normal to need enough order in the chaos so that you can find a small measure of peace there. For me this is very physical — I literally get claustrophobic and feel panicked if what’s happening within our four walls feels beyond my control (Andy has a much higher tolerance for clutter than I do, so this is a twenty-year-long battle/conversation). I order it all every time I leave the house so I can come home to clean rooms. With a bad foot, I feel like this is practical and necessary. I don’t have enough steps to do it when I get home, but if it isn’t done, there’s literally no room to walk.
That said, there is no doubt that there are times when she’s thrown one too many things across the room, pulled my tablecloth off the table, dismantled weeds that were in a vase so that there are thousands of tiny seeds all over the place, or she just plain refuses to put all the _______ back in the _______ and I do want to cry. Because it’s just hard. Sisyphean. And you’ve been living with one toddler/infant or another for a very long time. I think it’s okay to feel frustrated by this sometimes. You are a person who appreciates beauty and has a very sophisticated and refined aesthetic and appreciation of order (I mean, duh! Your knitting!) that it only seems totally natural to want to see some order, some times, within the chaos of your big, beautiful family.
The worst advice I felt like I ever got when I became a mother was to just let the house go, not clean up, throw order to the wind, etc. None of that ever worked for me for a minute. The disorder piles up in spite of my efforts (because there just. simply. isn’t. enough. time). Instead, there must be a way to accept my need to tame it as “okay” (not shameful) and also order *enough* of what I can so that it brings us all some peace (and I know that it really does bring us ALL in this house some peace. I’ve seen it again and again).
We can thank our complicated (to put it mildly) childhoods for this need [wink], I think. Whatever the source, the impulse is deep and real and comes from a place of striving for improvement and wanting to create a safe, peaceful place for our families to rest in, beyond the chaos of the outside world. I will persist in thinking this is a good thing, though your words inspire me to also try to embrace it all, no matter what, and have faith that I am enough, no matter what.
Gary Saul Morson’s essay “Prosaics: An Approach to the Humanities” is an essay that made my head spin many years ago when I first read it. I think you’d like it. I will try to get a copy from the library next time I go and send it to you. Just for another perspective.
Kate says
I know a couple of moms whose homes are (what I call) cluttered chaos and they and their whole family seem fine with that mostly. It’s not because they’ve reached some Zen state or are higher on the holiness ladder. It’s because they have easy-going, don’t stress temperments, are comfortable in their own skin and their husbands don’t mind the mess. You have to better understand yourself and work within that understanding. I think sometimes the deeper issue is that some women because of issues in their past are looking for validation. Naturally, a mother and homemaker in this position, looks to things life housekeeping or childraising as means of self-validation. But it doesn’t work if the problem is something deeper. Even if the house was always clean, there would be some sort of dissatisfaction until the internal issue is resolved. I know for me it was often the sense of competing with my sisters to be better because growing up they were more pretty or popular and I felt insecure about my physical appearance. But as got older that all started fading away. My husband commented that as I neared 50 (took a long time), I started to seem much more confident and not care about what my family thought. There were a number of things that contributed to that which I won’t go into, but it wasn’t because I became a better housekeeper or homeschooler. I feel so much more at peace with who I am and how God is working in my life.
Ginny says
And see, I grew up with abuse–and that abuse was tied to order. If the house was out of order, it might turn into one of those days that ended with a call to the police as we ran to the neighbor’s house. I don’t actually remember my childhood home ever being messy until after my mom left my stepdad when I was twelve. Sometimes I fear that I will never recover from my childhood years. But certainly, God gave me a totally laid back messy husband who works from home, seven kids, and a small house for a reason. And I am making progress. The mess is so much bigger than me. I don’t have the skills to manage it, so I am forced to accept it, and in doing so, the reality that nothing bad is going to happen to me if the house is a mess.
Ginny says
Aww, Alicia. I totally get what you are saying here. Yes, persist in believing creating order and beauty in your life is a good thing. It is!!! For me, it’s a heart issue, an acceptance of what is. What my reality is. The issue for me is so complex as well–difficult to fully articulate, and yes, very much tied to my childhood and the abuse and the need to keep everything in order in a vain effort to keep my stepdad from losing control. And then on the other hand, the need to be perfect to try to earn the love of my biological dad. (I didn’t really need to do that, but grew up believing that I did.) I feel like I live this sort of paradox. I need order in my environment, but I absolutely can’t achieve that in my life anymore. It’s just not possible. And if it’s not, clearly I don’t really require it, because God wants what’s best for me–I believe that. Though I question him! What are you doing to me??? Because yes–the panic and anxiety. I manage, and manage well, and then all of sudden one day I lose my sh*t and make everyone miserable because I can’t take it anymore. I want to stop doing that–the freaking out part–the making my children feel some of what I felt as a child. It’s just a mess. It’s gonna be allright. Nobody’s going to get hurt. But on the other hand, letting everything go isn’t the answer either. And yes, this is the reason that knitting is very important to me. Sometimes it’s the only order I have. These kids are so messy! It makes me happy (that they are free like that–so creative these kids!) and crazy at the same time. There are just not enough hours in the day to manage this crew, and this house. And of course I go and make things harder by keeping bees and a garden and all this extra stuff that feeds my soul in a way that I believe is very important. Send me that essay. I’d love to read it. I love you, Alicia!
Elizabeth says
I have not been blessed with children, but I understand the impatience of wanting oneself to be more than they can be and one’s environment and home too. It’s not easy to keep up on the house. We are called to be faithful and do what we can, not what we can’t… I knew a man who was a father and husband, good at both, but there were things when the kids were younger that he just could not give his kids but he said to me, ‘you can’t give what you don’t have’. It’s hard but I find true – we are broken – we are in process – and much patience is needed, even for ourselves. I will light a candle by my icons for you today. God loves us, we are sinners and God loves us…
katie says
what a precious reminder of all of the real reasons we became mothers to begin with. thanks so much. I really needed to hear that this morning. i’m about six weeks postpartum with our third, very fussy baby. the house is a wreck and I feel i’m failing everyone right now. I will just try to proceed with lovingkindness and save a bit for myself.
Barbara says
Amen, amen, amen. I’ve been parenting for 25 years and I still feel that way, and still get discouraged and sad when my children can’t see the messes around them and never pitch in and help (and, yes, the 19 and 13 yos still occasionally fight about where they are sitting). But then I remember I was a selfish child and teenager — I believe it comes naturally. Sometimes I want to put earplugs in so I can’t hear my family. Nice, huh? I often think I would have been a better nun. 😉
Small things. Yes. And lean on Him.
fawn says
I love your blog but am a rare commenter. I had to comment today though. This post is so well written and describes exactly my struggles. Thank you!
Amy G says
Thank you for writing this! In describing your struggle, you described mine. I often forget the love part & focus on the task & completion aspect — then feel overwhelmed because the work is never done, the room doesn’t stay clean, the kids are still fighting! I love having a large family & I love being a mom to my 6 kiddos…..why is it so hard to let go of that drive to perfection which just leads to frustration?! I must remember love as well.
Bianca says
Beautiful!
Kellie says
I relate to this post so much right now. It makes me feel better knowing I’m not the only mom out there that feels this exact same way when it comes to trying to achieve perfection, especially in the home. I may or may not have just put away towels that I folded over a week ago. Shhhh!
Linda says
You will have clean rooms when your children are all grown and gone away from home. Then you will also have empty rooms. A house that is too quiet and lonely. Rejoice in the messes and noises! For real, praise God for them. You are a great mom, just relax and enjoy it.
Last week my living room was clean, no one saw it. Yesterday my mother in law came over and the living room was a complete wreck from the dogs. Couch stuffing all over the floor. Their housecoat on the floor. Couch pillows on the floor etc. I have a Jack Russell. She isn’t the kind to say anything or point fingers but I am sure my husband was embarrassed. I was a little bit but you know what? I’ll get over it. She got to visit with her son which made her happy. I don’t think the mess bothered her at all. We didn’t stay in the living room.
Live life with those kids, make and enjoy messes. Praise God ALL the time and be happy! 🙂
Laura says
Thank you for sharing this Ginny! I think you have written the words of so many mother’s hearts. And your photographs…I always love them, but the beauty of these this morning have really touched me. It reminded me of this past Saturday when I was driving all the way through Virginia and thought of you and your photographs as I looked at the beauty all around- even on the freeway! Thank you for taking the time to share on your blog. It always brings me a moment of peace to read it. ?
Emily D. says
Yup. It’s not about perfection. It’s about love. It’s about grace. It’s about doing things through Him who strengthens us.
(And I know you said you’ll never take the heavy zoom lens out again, but man, am I glad you did it last time. Those photos, especially the ones with the animals, are beautiful.)
Brandy Robinson says
Wow, exactly how I feel so often. Thank you for your humble words every day!
Julie Z says
I have never commented before, but this surely elicited a big, hearty AMEN from me after reading it. Thank you for this message; one that I will never tire hearing or never need to be reminded of.
Thank you!
Julie Z says
I meant to say “never NOT need to be reminded of”!
Rebecca says
Thank you, Ginny. Again your words spoke to my heart. We began our official journey into homeschooling a month ago and I am already beginning to feel the struggle between my desire to maintain household order with the time needed to teach and balance the rest of life. I am going to print this out and put it on my desk as a reminder that love is the motivator behind all I am trying to do and why I am doing what I am doing. They will be added to your words, “try not to be crazy, try not to be mean” from this post https://gsheller.com/2015/04/i-think-i-can-on-creating-a-plan-for-living-without-constant-chaos.html
Your words help me to choose love during those daily moments of frustration or impatience.
beth lehman says
this bit… is exactly what i was trying to tell my husband a few weeks ago…
“On Saturday, I told Jonny that sometimes I feel so oppressed by a heaviness that seems to be rooted in my desire to do a good job raising our family, and that my failings in this department are so evident that it just crushes me.”
goodness. thank you for writing this… to know i am not alone… none of us are.
xo
Alice S says
Well said. Doing all things with love is a constant struggle for me too.
Sabrina says
“On Saturday, I told Jonny that sometimes I feel so oppressed by a heaviness that seems to be rooted in my desire to do a good job raising our family, and that my failings in this department are so evident that it just crushes me.” Yes! This is a frequent feeling I have as well. My husband likes structure, order, and calmness. I oftentimes feel like I’m failing him and the children. But then, I see my younger boys asking the older women from church if they can go to their house to help. My oldest are so polite and kind when they are away from home. One of my kids just got, “the shirt off your back award” from camp. So I’m seeing that amongst the chaos at home, the “small things” are paying off.
Question: my almost 16 ur old daughter really wants a camera for her birthday. What would you suggest for her hobby? She’s got a great eye for photography, but I don’t want to spend a whole lot of money.
Laura says
Right on target for me this morning. Thanks. ❤️
Kate says
I needed to hear this today too. I woke up crying over the laundry that’s spilling out of its closet (yes having a “laundry closet” helps keep it out of sight so I feel better) and felt that crushing defeat. Thank you for sharing and reminding me it’s ok and we are not alone.
Rachel Wolf says
Yes. Right there with you, friend. I spent the weekend trying to open my heart and put down the frustration and overwhelm and feelings of inadequacy. Baby steps back toward center…
Rachel Wolf says
Yes. Right tere
molly says
“where your heart is in the process”
Oh, Ginny. I love this so much. And so needed to hear it, this Monday morning.
Thank you.
xx,
M