I think this past weekend was one of the nicest we’ve had in a long time, so relaxed and peaceful. I’m not sure that my kids would agree. They like going places and always want to be doing things. “Can we go fossil hunting?” (“You mean, ‘May we go fossil hunting?’ “) “How about fishing?” No, on Saturday we hung around the house. I tidied my bedroom. We cleaned our front porch. Our porch is maybe a little infamous amongst our friends because of how messy it gets, and how often I make excuses for the state of it.
Last week, on a day that I was feeling a bit upset about the front porch, the first thing anyone sees when they pull up to our house, I said to Jonny, “You guys make these messes, and I just can’t keep up with them. You don’t ‘get’ why they bother me so much, but please try to understand that I feel like the state of our home is a reflection of me, and ultimately my inadequacy.” I may or may not have been crying.
Jonny worked for years building our porch, laying flagstone and creating stacked stone columns. During those years we dreamed of one day sitting there in rocking chairs on nice evenings. I’d have my kitting, he’d be whittling a piece of wood. That may happen someday, but it isn’t our current reality. We don’t have any rocking chairs and it’s usually so messy out there that I would hardly choose it as a spot to relax. Recently, a big part of the reason for the mess dawned on me: we don’t have a garage. The nine of us live in just under 1500 square feet, no basement, no garage. There’s no place to store the kids’ sports equipment, extra shoes, more shoes (did I mention shoes?), and all those other things that people keep in garages. We clean our porch, and it ever so quickly gets cluttered and dirty again. That’s just our life. It’s okay. Our friends have seen it clean, but they have mostly seen it a disaster. Nobody has refused to hang out with us yet because of it.
Sunday afternoon we had a few friends over. I did do some cleaning up to prepare for them, but it wasn’t a crazed cleaning frenzy, just a relaxed, sweep the floors and get the downstairs bath looking good, deal. I was glad the porch was already taken care of. While I was cleaning, I asked myself if I was breaking my Sunday rule, and decided that I wasn’t. I was excited to have friends over and happy to get the house in a reasonable amount of order beforehand. I’m a believer in cleaning for company when you’re able. It’s courteous, and I think it contributes to a more relaxing environment which makes spending time with friends more fun. For many years we only rarely had a guest. It felt too stressful to prepare for company. I think that’s because I was mentally connecting the preparing with avoiding judgement. I was connecting the state of my house with who I am, cleaning up more for myself than for them. The better my house looked, the better my own reflection. It was just too much pressure.
As the time for our friends to arrive drew near on Sunday, I realized that there was no way I was going to be finished with all I would typically do when cleaning for guests. I really needed to start on dinner though, so I had to stop. All three of our guests on Sunday were men, two of them single, and not accustomed to having someone cook for them on a regular basis. I felt completely relaxed about them arriving at our imperfectly kept house, knowing that the meal was more important. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would have been a little more anxious were we expecting women. I have a few girlfriends whom I know love me just as I am regardless of the state of my house, but I do think I worry more about looking good for women who fall outside of that “safe friend” zone than I do other people. I called one of my friends this evening, to see if she agreed. To paraphrase her: “Oh, yeah. Definitely.”
Ladies, I wish we could all link hands and promise each other: “I will never judge you because you are behind on laundry, or because I tripped over baseball cleats and power tools on my way into your house. Book and toys scattered across the floor, crayon on the wall, I won’t even notice. I’ll feel special that you let me into your real life, trusting that I want to be your friend not a source of anxiety or even worse someone to compare yourself to. I’ll be thankful that you wiped the bathroom down just for me, and be super thrilled if you put the kettle on and clear a spot at your table for me too.”
I am not my house. My house is a reflection of many things including, but not limited to myself, and an entire host of other things unique to my particular family and our living situation.
For those of you who don’t suffer from this “worried about what the neighbors (ahem, other women) would think” affliction, share your secrets with the rest of us insecure people, worried about what “they” would think if they saw the state of things at 11 a.m. on any given weekday.
p.s. I’m laughing just a little about the fact that my house looks reasonably tidy in the photos in this post. You’ll just have to forgive me for not taking more photos of the messes. You know they’re there, until we clean them up, only to have them return. And on, and on, and on. Otherwise I wouldn’t go on (and on) about them. This is life, but only a small part of it. These messes, they shouldn’t get in the way of relationships because those are what really matter.
p.p.s. Mom, Larkspur is wearing your old Girl Scout uniform!
Cheryl says
Your post really resonated with me. I have struggled with the stress of having a clean/perfect house in the past. I would constantly apologize for messiness whenever guests would stop by, or spend my holidays totally exhausted from frantic deep-cleaning. I worked full-time, raised my children, and tried to be the perfect homemaker and mother. I have lots of regrets about that perceived perfection. If there were ‘do-overs’, I would not worry so much about messiness, and concentrate on the really important aspects of life. Life is stressful enough without worrying about what your friends and relatives think about your housekeeping skills. Your children will not remember a messy house, but they will remember how you spent your time with them, and conducted yourself with grace.
anniekitching says
Everything about you is beautiful. I’m not sure “nice women” wouldn’t just feel relieved and more comfortable finding a bit of a mess (especially if it included unwashed laundry). That’s why I really think “drop ins” are better than “formal social engagements”; you have all kinds of excuses for imperfection.
Christina says
Ug. This resonates so much… I often feel some of it has to do with the “really tidy” house my mom kept as a wife and mother. I usually feel I can never live up to the standard she set, especially with my 5 boys (one on the way). Recently though, my little sister asked me the question, “Is it that Mum’s house was so clean, or that she was *always cleaning* ?” That really got me thinking, and I don’t know…it occurs to me it may not have been so clean all the time at all. And if what I took away was a warped sense of what a clean house means, I know I need to break the pattern! The cleaning frenzy you mention is all too familiar. I think when I feel the worst is when I realize that in our house, we sometimes get into a rut where we’re only cleaning up for other people! Then I start questioning why we don’t care about ourselves more, or our time as a family…I’m sure you see the downward spiral that can lead to.
I’m all for promising each other none of this matters! Can we all make a pact or something? Thank you, as always, for your very encouraging honesty.
Debbie says
Loved your article!!!
I couldn’t agree more, there coming to visit you not your house 🙂
I stress about my house as well, not as much as I use to. Reading your story made me feel soooo much
better 🙂
Enjoy them babies when they are little, you will never get that back and when you and your husband are sitting on that porch someday, you’ll think back when your house was so messy.
Debbie
Tricia says
My father in law says, “If you’re coming to see me, please stop by any time. If you’re coming to see my house, I’ll need two weeks notice.” I usually offer a cheerful “sorry for the mess!” and move on. I figure, the book of James instructs believers to practice hospitality, but it doesn’t tell us we need tidy houses to do so. Anyone is welcome to come in and share my grimy table or cluttered couch.
Teresa says
That is a good perspective. I really need to internalize that. I am always cleaning but it never stays that way.
Maria says
I know how you feel, Ginny – my house is a constant disaster, way worse than yours judging by pictures. I have only one son, but we have a farm with many animals, and I work full time off the farm. I dread company, because I always am cringing over the state of the house. Unfortunately, people do in fact judge – I have heard comments from my son’s friends (these are kids who either have a parent home full time, or come from families wealthy enough to afford household help.) So if I know someone is coming, I’m usually up at 4 AM cleaning before doing morning farm chores and then heading off to work. Not fun.
Christine N says
I am horrible at cleaning. Growing up, my room was always a disaster and my mom would punish me for my messy room by making me vacuum it myself when it was too messy the days of the week that she vacuumed.
After three kids under four now, part time working and going back to schoolI have somehow managed to keep a livable standard of cleaning. I have surprised myself, honestly (thank God for a tolerant husband!). Floors get swept, dishes and eating surfaces get washed regularly, as well as the toilet. I have one room in the house with carpeting so I keep up alright with vacuuming. Do I have dust collecting on other surfaces around my house? Yes. Are there spiders and spiderwebs where the walls meet the ceilings on a few rooms? Yes. I deep clean before guests come over if they are from far out of town. Otherwise my friends don’t care about my messy house.
My mom told me there’s a difference between messy houses and dirty houses, and as long as it’s not dirty I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I do my best to keep that in mind.
alexa says
Yes and yes. In so many ways, yes! Thank you for this post, Ginny. Thanks for opening up with this post, and for reminding me to disconnect myself from the state of my floors!
Monique says
wow! look at how many people felt the need to respond to your post tonight! 🙂
You are so definitely not the only one who feels the way you do!
I am very much like you: feel the need to clean and that makes having company a lot less fun and relaxing.
I am trying so hard to be like a friend I knew many years ago. Her house was always messy, there were stains on the carpet, dishes in the sink, but when you went to her house she welcomed you in, put on the kettle for tea, and focused just on you. She made that time incredibly special and no one cared about the state of her house.
Pleximama says
Laughing because a friend and I were talking about this last night, at the playground where we met for a picnic with our nine young children, because our houses were not in a state to entertain guests. My mom despairs over the state of my floors, and offers to wash them when she comes. Despite her horror of our mess, thankfully she’s the one person for whom I never feel I have to deep-clean. However, I do judge my own house and (sometimes) others’ against my mother’s standards.
I suppose there’s more to life than a clean house, and those who can should embrace the messy days of Lego building, block construction, paper bits, and spaghetti. (As I write this comment, my husband is scrubbing dinner off of one of our highchairs. Good man.)
Count me in as someome who is just pleased to be visiting a friend, not her house, clean or otherwise.
Allie says
All I can think about is how clutter-free my house will be when my daughter is grown-up and gone, and how sad that will be.
Jess says
I have the exact same problem with my front porch, and it doesn’t seem to bother anyone but me. The other day when I was attempting to walk to the front door and I had to get around the huge maze of shoes, I realized that my perspective was all wrong. I was annoyed by the toys, shoes, clothes (don’t know why the kids have clothes out there?!) tools, and whatever else was cluttering my “beautiful” front porch. But I suddenly realized, “you need to stop looking at these piles as clutter and instead look at them as a sign that this house is full of laughter, life, and love. Children live here, my children, and I love that. May we always have piles of shoes at our front doors.
melissa says
beautifully stated!
Luz Maria Perez says
Ginny: Wow. This hit me on so many different levels. I have been struggling with CHAOS (can’t have any one over syndrome) for two years. Most recently, I had an acquaintance reach out to me because of something she was going through with her family and she left home. She called asking if I could host her for the night. I became quiet anxious (because the spare room has boxes still packed from when I moved into my home 8 years ago!) and I did not want her to see how my house looked — cluttered and untidy and initially told her no.
I felt absolutely horrible, sad, depressed and angry with myself. I have been experiencing anxiety attacks because of the CHAOS and other things. But then, it dawned on me — she needed me. She trusted me enough to share what was going on in her life and she just needed a place to stay for the night.
I needed to make sure she was safe and so I called her and told her to come over. While waiting, I removed the junk that was on the bed, made it up with fresh linens, grabbed some fresh bath towels and waited for her.
When she arrived, I gave her a big hug. We spent several hours talking about what happened and then when she got ready for bed, I showed her to the room apologized for the clutter and unpacked boxes. She told me she didn’t care. She was glad that she had a place to spend the night. I was glad I could offer it to her.
My home and I are a work in progress. It’s going to take a little time, but the journey should be interesting. Thanks for sharing Ginny.
TarynKaeWilson @ WoolyMossRoots says
Ginny,
I smiled when I read this! I can SO relate. I always tidy up whenever someone is coming over. (A huge pet peeve of mine, by the way, is when people show up unannounced! Then I can’t tidy up first.) But there are definitely certain people that I feel the need to clean more for and others I don’t worry about it with quite as much. You’re so right- I do clean more when females are coming over. Guys just don’t seem to care about all that as much, do they? I think the people I clean the most for are my mom and grandma. My sister and I have talked and joked about this because she does the same thing. I am close to my mom and grandma and I know that they both love me unconditionally, regardless of the state of my house…. but they both keep their homes SO clean and tidy and I want to do the same for them when they come here. I do lots of extra cleaning before they arrive. I remember it drove me nuts when they were visiting right after Bracken’s birth because I couldn’t do all my cleaning to get ready for them. But of course that was part of the reason they were coming, to help me.
This morning Jeff could tell something was bothering me and asked what’s wrong. I told him that I needed more organization in our house and the lack of organization was driving me crazy. We need more shelves, more places to put things and organize things. It’s going to be a focus of mine. I know I can’t keep everything super clean all the time around here, but I really want to reduce the amount of stuff we have and clutter and create spaces for organizing things as much as possible.
Thanks for always reminding me how much we all have in common. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that gets embarrassed about my house and feel like the state it is in reflects on me.
It is good to know that the people who really love us will still keep loving us regardless. 🙂
Love,
Taryn
Betty says
My former mother-in-law was one of the most proper women I know. Me, not so much. But when she came over my house, she used to tell me that she came to see me, not my house. She had a way of seeing through the clutter of not only my messy house, but of hurt and lost souls. How I miss that woman!
Erin @ Wild Whispers says
We recently showed the house to a new neighbor, and the first thing she said when she walked into my dining room was “You cleaned that table off just because you were going to give me a tour, right!?” To which I had to respond, “Nope! It usually looks like that.”
I can’t speak to what my home would look like with little ones (well, littler than 5, anyway) underfoot, but for now, we are in a time of relatively clutter free living. I’ve taken pains to eliminate things that I don’t want messy-ing up my space. I go through the mail when it comes into the house instead of piling it. For me, it’s a matter of emotional peace. I get very anxious and restless in messy spaces (much like your porch makes you, Ginny) for many reasons. I’ve talked with my husband at length about how important a tidy space is for my emotional health, and together, we strive to keep the spaces we inhabit peaceful. Lived in is fine with me… I have dust bunnies and a few small piles around. I can make a mean mess in the kitchen when I cook. Overall, however? Tidy is the name of the game.
Thank you for the reminder that we are all different when it comes to levels of tidy. Thank you for the comforting truth that sometimes it’s best to put down the broom and read to the kids, cook the meal, and welcome the guests. Keeping a tidy home for my emotional peace doesn’t mean I’m exempt from the anxiety of my home being “a reflection of me and ultimately my inadequacy.”
Blessings, friend. You’d be welcome here any time… dust bunnies and all.
Rinda says
Amen! I recently realized that if I am continually stressing myself out to have a “perfect” house (whatever that looks like with three children following in my wake!) everytime we have people over two things are bound to happen:
1. I won’t bother having people over very often. We are called to be hospitable, but the Bible doesn’t command me to scrub my house before having friends over for a meal. However, if I focus on a tidy eating/cooking area and a wiped-down guest bathroom (a miracle, as our “guest bath” is also my children’s bath!) then we’ll enjoy our company more and open our home more often.
2. I miss out on blessing other harried mothers. Last year when I was “nesting” big-time I had a few friends over. One left feeling so inadequate. A pregnant mother of two with a spotless kitchen and super-organized cupboards? And the kids are happy? And there’s food? Poor lady! I had no idea she felt that way for a long time. I then set her straight right quick! I don’t have it all together and the only reason my floor gets swept by 4:00 every afternoon is my husband hates walking through crumbs.
Life is so much more important than a clean house, and there’s too much life in my house for it to be clean! 🙂 Paper and books stacked on the bar, cheerios and eggs under the high-chair, shoes galore (SHOES!!!), and a fridge that just got it’s first scrub-down in 3.5 years. YEARS.
Here’s to life and family!
Diana says
When I was a child my mother worked 6 days a week because of necessity. My brother and I fended for ourselves and we never minded at all. Sunday was the only day mum was home. She spent all day cleaning and doing laundry. As I got older I started vacuuming, dusting, doing laundry, scrubbing toilets, doing the ironing …. all because I wanted my mum to spend time with me.
Elizabeth says
I struggle with that too! So I get it! Maybe someday you will have a garage… one thing at a time and it is REALLY OK to have a house and life that is in process… this is real life and it is good to be in reality etc… much love! keep on keeping on… and so glad for this post. thank you. Am going to light a candle for you by our icons 🙂
Kate says
A friend was over the other day and told me she’d read an article about a man who murdered his wife because she was such a bad housekeeper! It’s appalling, but we had a good laugh. Especially since she was standing in my living room with everything from the linen closet piled on the couch, mattresses leaning against a bookshelf, books piled on the floor and bags of “give-away” stuff lining the walls.
I’m a very visual person, so I can’t function well if there is a lot of clutter. Dust, dirty windows, cobwebs don’t bother me. Stuff lying around, out of place does. I and the kids (my husband is hiding) are doing a major re-arrange and decluttering of the house. Furniture is on the lawn, paint cans on the porch, hammers on the kitchen counter. It’s what we do in July. I need to have order before school begins, so I’m in the middle of creative destruction to make it happen. It feels really good.
I am being ruthless and getting rid of a lot of stuff. I’m asking myself a hypothetical question, “If we had to move across country, would I take this?” If the answer is “No” out it goes. I’m really looking at what books my kids really read and what toys they really play with and how many clothes they actually wear. I had a shelf full of Hardy Boy and Nancy Drew books, but only one of my older children enjoyed reading them. I’ve been saving them because of sentimental reasons, but that shelf space could be used for something we really use. I recently sold all of them. I finally donated all those cute little baby clothes I’d been saving (my youngest is 7). I’m thinking it will make housekeeping much easier. I’m in my 50’s and know how quickly time passes. I don’t want to spend my remaining years taking care of stuff.
I have to say, I do appreciate it when other people clean or straighten up for me and I try to do it for our visitors. I don’t think it’s putting on a show and it doesn’t have to be Martha Stewart quality. I have a friend whose home I don’t like visiting because I don’t feel relaxed because of how messy it always is. I’m not talking a few dirty dishes in the sink – I mean, dishes still on the table from dinner the night before or having to climb over piles of dirty laundry to use the toilet. I think there’s a certain level of cleanliness curtsy we should extend to our friends, as in “I think you are important enough to expend a little energy on to make you feel comfortable and like a special guest.” That being said, make sure you give me plenty of notice before visiting!
Leslie F says
True friends will come to your house, see the mess and then help you load/unload the dishwasher, fold the laundry, bathe the children, etc, etc, etc. I have several friends like that which are cherished beyond measure – I hope they feel the same way about me!
Jennifer says
Ginny, you are on the right track.
I’m the youngest of 6 kids. My mom kept a very clean and neat house. Growing up my room was always a mess. I remember always feeling guilty about the mess I made in my mom’s clean house.
I am now the mom to 6 kids. 5 are still home, and 3 are under 8. My house is a train wreck. But I don’t let it bother me because of something my mom told me.
She said, “One day your house will be clean, and everything will look exactly the way you want it to all the time. And you will miss the mess, because the people who made it are gone. This time of you life is very short. You have the rest of your life to have a perfect house. For now, have a clean enough house, and enjoy your children.”
The unsaid truth of what my mom was telling me was that she regretted the clean house at the expense of her relationship with her kids. Yes the house was always clean, but she never sat down and watched a movie or tv show with us in the evening, because she was doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen. She never, in my memory, played dolls with me, but she cleaned my room. I remember her exhausted sigh at the end of the day as she went to bed before everyone else, and her being up before everyone. But only a hand full of conversations as I was older, and those were always over a sink of dishes or a pile of laundry being folded. We were never taught to do these things as it was easier to do it herself, and besides, if you wanted it done right you did it yourself. It is heart breaking to think of the regret that filled her later years, especially after my father died.
So I heed her advice, I teach my kids to do the chores, I accept “good enough and done”, over “perfect and right”. And I make room in my lap and in my life for my kids. When I get frustrated over the unending mess, I hear her voice telling me this is not for very long and I thank God for my life as it is.
My mom died last year. I miss her everyday. But I feel like if I carry her wisdom with me, she is still here. I also know that our friends come to see us, and not our house. So for now I focus on health cleaning. Which means clean kitchen, clean bathrooms, and clean laundry. Other than that I kick the toys out of the path, keep the stairs clear, and refuse to worry about what others think.
I work hard to not judge others, I’m just happy people want to be my friend and invite me into their lives, I couldn’t care less about the mess.
Now if I could just quit freaking out about my dogs licking people like they are coated in bacon grease….
Most of us live life from our wounds. As we are healed we are set free from them. Letting go of my house cleaning standards has been a long hard fight. One my husband still struggles with. 😉
I’ll be praying for your healing and freedom. And I promise you, I love your mess.
(Ok, wow! My first comment turned into an essay! I guess this is a near to my heart subject, one that I wish we would all just be free from. It really breaks down our fellowship and isolates us.)
erin says
I come from a very tidy and clean family. I, myself, am a very messy person and I can come up with all kinds of reasons for that, all of which are more or less true, such as: we have no real storage in this house, this house is configured strangely (its an old firehouse), I have kids, we are all packrats, we have too much stuff, I’d rather be doing {blank}, I am a creative person and would rather be making than cleaning… But the bottom line is that I fret over the state of my house. If I am honest, I fret only at the thought of people seeing it and what they might think of me, I don’t really fret about living in it. I wish it were cleaner/tidier, but I’d like help because we all live here and we all have better things to do than clean. I don’t get much help however and that means that I loose energy about getting it to a place where I wouldn’t mind having it seen, which for me isn’t necessarily clean as a pin, like my mother would have had it, but lived in and tidy and dust and dirt clean.
I don’t know the solution to this problem, but you are not alone in feeling it.
Marty says
love your ‘real life’…..
jennifer at moonrises and morning tea says
♥
Teresa says
Okay so the next project is a garage and workshop or maybe rocking chairs 🙂
I just realized I have not taken the kids anywhere fun this summer because my to do list is so long.
Alexandra says
My boyfriend’s mother is a very, very clean person. Her house is immaculate – and I’ve heard her comment on the state of others’ housekeeping. Even minor little cobwebs, she criticizes. My mother has always been a clean person, but she’s never sacrificed happiness or activities with the family for perfection. So this attitude is so stressful for me – I worry constantly every time she stops by (sometimes unannounced!) about the state of the house. I feel like I’m being judged, even if I’m not.
I don’t even have kids yet. I’m not looking forward to that stress level of keeping the house tidy. Thankfully, most people aren’t like that. But still, I get you on the worrying.
Jana says
I just discovered your blog about 2 weeks or so ago and its WONDERFUL! Your posts seem to reflect so much of me.. I too worry, fret, OBSESS about what our home looks like. I can’t seem to let it go and relax. I wish I could relax in a mess 😉 I have 6 wonderful kids at home and I am looking for more of the family times where we go our and just do something as a family..besides staying home “so mom can clean again” and again and again. Thanks for sharing your life and your beautiful blessings 🙂
Penny says
Wow. This one hits hard. I hope you keep writing these words that wake me up.
Jackie says
This is a great post. Speaking as a guest, if you give me a space to sit and a clean bathroom (at least the toilet area for obvious reasons), I’m a happy guest. And that is what I try to provide as a hostess. I agree and like the previous commenter, you live in your house. Everyone has different things going on and cleaning can’t and shouldn’t always be the priority. At the same time, there are two things that do bother me involving pets. If you have pets who shed and guests are coming, please vaccuum the couch or throw a quilt over it so the guests don’t leave with pet hair all over their clothes and please, please, please clean up after your pet’s “accidents” in the corner of the room or behind that chair (yes we can see it). I have been to more than one house where this seemed to be an “I’ll get to that someday” attitide. Yuck. Other that, I’m just happy to be invited to your house and spend some time with you and I hope that you feel the same way about coming to my home. The fellowhip is what is important and that’s what I try to remember if I get anxious about the state of my home. Thanks for sharing your home, Ginny. I always feel welcome. 🙂
Lisa says
Dear Ginny,
I think all of us want people to think we are super-moms! I have certainly, and do certainly, fall prey to that. I think it’s good to remember ‘ the fear of man is a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.’ How lovely of you to reach out to others in your busyness. I saw this book advertised and I have thought about buying it as it seems very relevant to me.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ministry-Messy-House-Amanda-Robbie/dp/178359005X
Maybe some of us could read it together?
As always love your photos and your humble thoughts
Lisa
Melissa says
That is so well said Ginny. What you said speaks straight to my heart today. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts with us.
rhonda says
Great post! We are in the process of selling our house — have been for months — and trying to keep it clean for the many showings we have had. We also have 5 kids age 10 and under and are expecting our sixth any day now. I’m an orderly person by nature, and I know I do value some semblance of tidiness in order to feel relaxed. But I’m also realizing, given our current circumstances, that kids and clean just don’t go together, and trying to force it just makes mom an uptight mess. I can’t count how many times I’ve gotten angry with them over the messes, all so that our house will “show” nicely. It’s a battle I can’t win and honestly, I just can’t wait until we sell and move so that I can relax a bit and enjoy a messy house again. I keep joking with my husband that the day we let someone show our house without panic-cleaning it first is the day it will sell. So I guess through all this rambling I’m just saying this:
Yes, ladies, let’s try to enjoy our children and let the rest of it happen however it may. Life is too short to be angry or frustrated about our homes being untidy. And promise me you’ll remind me of this comment later today when I start freaking out!
🙂
Dana Laviano says
Dear Ginny,
I found your blog just this week from a link on Nicole Spring’s blog and I can’t help but comment here, if you don’t mind. I too am Catholic and used to live in Vermont. I’m a Mom as well to two young girls who keep me on my toes. I found myself nodding my head in agreement to this post. And hanging my head a bit in shame too as I think I sometimes do judge people on the state of their house. I appreciate your graceful words about why this is simply wrong. (And with only 2 kids, I really have no clue as to what more than that can do to a home’s state of orderliness.) Anyway, God bless you and your beautiful family. (And may I just say my heart skipped in joy at reading that your daughter’s name is Larkspur! What a delightful, fairy name. I love it when parents give their kids names with imagination.)
Cheers and Happy Weekend,
Dana
Lily Hookway says
Hi – since our move to a really old house in the middle of the hills and moors I have finally managed to let go of the worry about ‘what people with think’. I am in the middle of a farming community whose doors are always open to us and always have time to put the kettle on even when they have so much to do. It really does feel so much better than how I used to be. Like you I would avoid visitors and oh my! if they turned up unexpectedly I would have a terrible turn! Now I do as my farming neighbours do and everyone is welcome and never mind the mess. Its impossible to keep a house in the countryside immaculate with all the mud, rain and many many different types of poo found beneath your feet (lol!).
On the weekend my beautiful little neices and sister-in-law stayed over and I focussed totally on just enjoying their company. How has it taken me so long to get to this point?
xxx
Kristi says
I asked our children’s librarian (since she sees all kinds of parents), “What is the ‘right’ way to parent?” She answered, “I had a mommy friend while my children and hers were growing up. She was always doing creative little projects with her kids and spending time with them, but her house was a wreck. I thought she was a horrible housekeeper! But then our kids grew up and left home and her house was neat as a pin. She wasn’t a horrible housekeeper! She was focusing on the right things. It made me wish my house had been messier.”
That great advice comes to mind every time I would rather clean the kitchen than play with the kids. They won’t remember the messy kitchen but they will remember me playing with them (or not)! Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
Rain says
I love this librarian’s observation. Thanks for sharing.
Sally says
I love to hear about others who have the same crazy hang ups. I never look twice at other’s houses, but always judge myself based on mine. And even if it is reasonably tidy, I see the lack of deep cleaning. I always apologize about the mess. One day a kind friend said to knock off the appologies. It can even be construed as judgment on friends whose houses are usually in worse shape. If I vocalize my distaste about my dirty house, they are forced to think about the state of their own.
She said to be quiet and enjoy friends.
Emmie says
One of my closest friends said to me a long time ago when I was apologizing for things not being as neat as they might be: “People live in their houses.” Yes, we all love organization. I can get very tense when we get ready to have people over for the same reason. How nice when you can just do the best you can and then relax and enjoy the time. Thanks for sharing this.
Katja says
Dear Ginny,
I guess everyone with kids is struggling with this to some degree. For me it is important find a healthy balance. I do not want to yell at my daughter all the time to clean up her mess – it would be highly hypocritical of me to do so, since I don’t want to clean up MY messes all the time! I have only one 6 year old daughter, but we also have a horse farm with 11 horses, and I’m a performing musician, so there is always something to do that is not cleaning the house.
I used to be stressed out about the chaos when having guests but then I simply decided to no longer do that to myself. By now all our friends and family know that my priorities lie elsewhere, and they expect a certain amount of mess when stopping by. When I know that someone is coming over I try to straighten things up in the entrance area, the guest bathroom and our kitchen. This takes around half an hour to make it a little bit tidier and I feel more comfortable. I can deal with half an hour. Everyone who comes unannounced has to live with the mess.
In the last 2 months two close friends separately told me something along this line:
Friend 1. “I love coming to your house because it looks just a little bit messier than my own! Makes me feel great!”
Friend 2: “I love to invite you because I don’t have to clean up for you – and I know you don’t judge me!”
So I guess you are doing people a service with a messy house 🙂
One final thought on the matter: We are at this time going through the process of becoming foster parents with the German youth welfare office. Our adviser told me that she does not like to give kids into foster homes that are too clean because it is really stressful for kids if they have to be tidy all the time. She prefers homes in which kids are allowed to be kids. That was a really comforting thought for me.
So Ginny, no worries, you are doing great! 🙂
Regards from Germany from a long-time reader and first-time commenter
Katja
Wendy says
Just today I was threatening to load all of the kids’ belongings that are steadily taking over the living room down to Goodwill. I am so glad to see that we are not the only family for which a stroller is something other than a mode of transportation for infants. I looked up to see our 5 y.o. pushing the 2 y.o. down a grassy slope beside our garden the other day–as they hurtled by (laughing hysterically) the only thing I could think to yell was, “Is he buckled?” (He was.) Love that photo of Silas and Gabe–I only caught the peek of Job’s toes on the second look 🙂
What did you make with the eggplant?–it’s one of my favorite veggies.
Deborah C. Williams says
I always think of this saying….Cleaning a house while children are growing is like shoveling snow before it stops snowing!!!…..My three children are grown and now I have two grandchildren….it is a never ending cycle!! Enjoy those small things and all their mess while you can!!
Naomi says
The photos of the older/younger sibling interactions are just lovely. I need to remember to try and capture the (rare) moments it happens here. One of the reasons I love big families!
My husband is actually much more worried about the state of our home, although I admit that I have been embarrassed when someone has just dropped by. Of course, it always happens when things are extra chaotic. With 6 people in 700 sq ft, I’ve become fairly minimalist about what we keep, but somehow even that little can become overwhelming.
Nadine says
Hello Ginny,
I love love your blog…I do not comment much…actually not sure I have or at least it has been a long long time…sorry for that. You can be my friend any day. I feel connected to you…not in a creepy way…I am just a mom …trying to do her best, trying to find balance …you inspire me and encourage me. Thanks for that. I do not have a blog at this time but I am on facebook. Thanks for being you…for being honest and real.
Sincerely …your friend in Canada 🙂
Amanda says
I hear you loud and clear! I am just now starting to keep the house in a “clean enough” state that if someone pops by I’m not in a panic. Part of that is better time management on my part but part of it is having more gentle expectations and realizing that as long as the lemonade is good and the guest is not made to wait for it, all is well.
CS Lewis characterizes vanity in one of his books by writing that it is doing something (dressing oneself, cleaning ones house, raising ones children) with the expectation of praise. This definition of it hit me hard and I realized that I do EVERYTHING for praise. I want to be told that dinner tastes good. I want to be told that you like my dress. What an evil demon to be enslaved by, this vanity!
I think I would be happy to stand hand-in-hand with all woman-kind and make that declaration, but truth-be-told, I can’t say those things, and mean it to MYSELF – and what kind of starting point is that?
Beverley says
Maybe this article will help us all…http://m.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/21/i-blamed-my-wife-for-our-messy-house-i-was-wrong-for-many-reasons/
“What I discovered was that taking care of the home is actually a collection of a million full-time jobs.”
Rachel Wolf says
Hear hear! I’ve often said that it’s a service to my girlfriends when I don’t clean. Because then they know: I live like that, too. Looking forward to seeing your messy porch someday. We can compare notes.
Barbara says
Thanks, Ginny. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. I dread having anyone drop by and envy the friends who seem to have it all together or just be so relaxed about it if they don’t.
Andréann says
First, all your children are beautiful, but I noticed lately that Gabe appears more and more often, so tell him : He’s beautiful!
And for the house-thing : I often pull out the excuse that I’m an artistic spirit and therefor may have different priorities than, let’s say, my mother-in-law, the only person whom I feel judge by based on the state of my house!
Laundry is the best example of the thing that gets delayed of doing, since a pile of clean unfolded laundry won’t get smelly and will eventually all get back to the dirty laundry bin anyway. So yeah, I’m not folding laundry anymore.
Julie says
I had to be okay with the plumber coming today! How crazy is that?! I worried about it a little, but then straightened up what I knew he would see. I used to be way worse when I was younger. I’ve mellowed as I realized that I don’t care what state other peoples’ homes are in, so they most likely don’t care about mine.
Deb says
When I had house-keeping help I always cleaned the night before so she wouldn’t see how messy I am! Go figure.
Anna says
Hey Ginny, thanks so much for sharing. I stress about a clean house, as a result of (self-diagnosed) OCD, the need to control, etc etc and your thoughts/insights have been so helpful for me.
We have no garage either. It makes staying organized a real challenge! Although we only have 1 child, 2 adults, and our house is about 1300 sq ft so by worldwide standards we are living in luxury! 🙂 Our house was built in 1940 so not much closet space (relative to new construction) to begin with, and combined with the lack of garage — one closet is for preparedness supplies, and one teeny closet for my clothes, and the biggest closet is for my husband who is much more into shoes/clothes than I am! Haha! We also have bikes and fishing poles laying around the house — makes it easier to pick them up and go!
Take care!