Life is beautiful, painful, and awfully complicated sometimes. I am climbing my way out of the pit (or more accurately being lifted from it, cause it’s not my own strength I’m relying on) after one of the most horribly difficult weeks of parenting I have ever faced, and I am not talking about the kind of hard week that involves vomit and mounds of dirty laundry. There was a night this week that I spent far more hours crying than I did sleeping. I woke Jonny at 3 a.m. because I felt like I would die lying there in our bed from the sheer pain. In fact, I didn’t want to face my life at all. I didn’t think I could. I did not post anything on my blog the following day. I just couldn’t. However, had I wanted to post a whole slew of unrelated pretty photographs of whatever happened to make me smile, I would have. I wouldn’t have felt like I wasn’t “being real.” I wouldn’t have felt like it was false of me to post pretty, when life was feeling pretty filthy.
And I guess I just need you to know that. I post beauty, even when life is ugly. For me, it’s the only way.
I told Jonny that I feel like we so often get thrown in the deep end, with no opportunity to test the water first. That’s what this week was like. But then, as I cautiously began talking with friends, I realized, that of course it’s not just us. We’re all thrown in the deep end at one time or another, and it’s sink or swim, sink or swim. And if you are counting on perfection in the world of parenting, you’re going to sink.
Blogs have a way of deceiving, but that’s only if you choose to read them that way. It’s a choice. You can read that I stopped for cherries, and make all sorts of assumptions, or you can simply be reminded that we all have our good moments–you and me. I’m not the best homeschooler, I lost my hand at structure three kids ago, and at some point I swapped obsessive housecleaning for obsessive knitting. So there. I’m a good mom because I love my kids, but not because I’m getting that much right. You can pour yourself into a child, the best you can, and still wake up one day and realize that you missed, and the consequences are great.
I choose not to share the trials we face as parents here. As our boys have gotten older, it has become far more obvious why it’s necessary that I don’t. No matter the temptation to pour my heart out, this is the internet, and my heart is not the only one on the line.
Day trips to the shore or the meadow, handknit sweaters, and jars of pickles canned from our organic garden do not a perfect life make. Look at these things instead as the small and precious gifts that remind me of life’s greater gifts, the ones that get hidden in the murk on a bad day, or during a really bad week. Sometimes we celebrate because we’ve simply survived.
(photos from last spring, completely unrelated)
Lisa says
Amen.
Brenda from Dwyer's Farmhouse says
That is so raw and so real. Praying for you. A woman once told me “If you pray don’t worry, and if you worry then don’t pray.” Just give it all to Him. There are many nights that the rosary puts me to sleep. I know it’s a sin to fall asleep while saying the rosary….but it happens.
Emmie says
I absolutely cannot tell you how much this post means to me. I have had those seasons of sleeplessness over parenting and worry over my children. There is NOTHING more difficult or more rewarding. Your writing and photos are such a gift to so many. Thank you!
Jenifer Walsh says
Loved this. I think you would like Jill Savage’s book, “No More Perfect Moms,” and her Facebook group as well. My blog is a year or so old, and RAW. I admire what you said about your heart not being the only one on the line. In my blog because it was so specific to mental illness, I chose to share, if only to help other parents not feel alone. That isn’t necessary for everyone, and I thought that your post here was beautiful. I hope that your next week (and more) is full of blessings. You are not alone, no matter what you struggle with. Take care.
Anne says
I love your honesty.
caitlin says
love and thoughts for you and your family Ginny, you’re full of wisdom. i have to remind myself each day (and did even just an hour ago!) that life is never static and we must learn to ride the waves with the confidence that they are always moving.
sending you sweet thoughts. xx
Tracey says
Ginny, I am sending you the biggest hug over the web until I can do it in person.
Parenting is hard, hard , hard and when you think you’ve got a handle on it, something
new is thrown at you. Sink or swim? Your’re right, but at least we know we aren’t alone
and He will always be there with us .
Hang in there and just take it one day at a time and trust in yourself.
Love you to pieces my friend.
Wanda says
Ginny, I am praying! Yes, there have been times that the pain of raising these children have brought my husband and I to our knees howling before God . I do know your pain. I had a mild stroke yesterday Nd have just returned home from the hospital. No explanation except the frightening symptoms while driving my 9 mo old granddaughter in the car.
Love you and praying that you hear God in the deepest heaven. Deep calls unto deep.
Tirza says
Wow, so beautifully said. Thank you for keeping it real. Hugs and prayers.
Tirza
tara says
Hey Ginny, thanks for sharing. I feel the same way sometimes, like is it okay to share pretty pictures on my blog when I’m feeling awful? The answer is usually yes. I hope you feel better soon. It’s so frustrating when life kind of seesaws like that-some days great some days awful. Holding on is always the hardest part for me.
June says
Oh, Ginny, like so many others who have commented I’ve been there, too!!! But you will survive….and your children will survive and even though you wonder day by day, how those children will turn out, you’ll more than likely find that they turn out just fine. Your love for your children shines through. My four all all grown and, I’m sure older than you are!!! But there were times, when they were growing up…pre-teen and teen years (the boys particularly) when I wished they were still babes in arms. I knew where they were and could hold them close and not be worried every minute until they were home.
You are in my prayers…and I’ll be your pregnancy hormones are contributing a lot to you feelings…that too shall pass.
Bless you and many, many hugs,
June
Jeni says
well said 🙂
suzy says
Dear Ginny, you feel like a friend as I read these words tonight. You don’t know how much I needed to hear them…
This past week I have felt truly broken, don’t know exactly why, probably a number of factors.
Thank you for these words and your heart. Bless you.
(((hugs)))xx
Debi Miller says
Thank you for your honesty. That is one of the reasons that I love your blog. That and your ability to tell beautiful stories both with words and pictures. That and the knitting. Sending love and prayers your way! 🙂
Grace says
“Sometimes we celebrate because we’ve simply survived.”
Yes.
This message—all of what you’ve written here—needs to be repeated often in blogland. It’s too easy to forget, even when we know all this. There’s so much ugly in the world, why “celebrate” it on a blog? It’s the beauty that we can overlook too easily, that we need to be reminded of.
xoxo
Rach @ A Squiggly Blog says
Ginny, firstly – I hope you are going okay and I wish I could give you a big hug! I have slowed down my blogging of late as life’s challenges and turns are not what I can post about really. The boys with their Asperger issues for us is a daily calling upon the Lord to help me and guide me – and I know it is also their story – not mine. It’s a fine line. The biggest thing for me lately has been a school mum read way back to the start but treat me awkwardly and assume she knows me through and through.
Praying for you. Love Rach xxxx
Rach @ A Squiggly Blog says
oh, and also about blogging – there are very few I read now days – but I love the real ones! xx
sarah says
This is a wonderful post, full of wisdom and grace. Thank you for writing it – and for NOT pouring out your heart. I for one am grateful that you don’t. I wish more mothers would protect their children’s privacy on the internet. It makes me so sad when I find myself reading intimate, awkward, even painful details of a child’s psyche – posted in public by their own mother. It seems like such a betrayal. So thank you for your pretty photos and your cheerful words.
Also, I am sorry you had a difficult week. I hope things improve for you and that you are blessed with the strength and courage all mothers need at some point. ((hugs))
Dana says
Hear, hear.
Grete says
Ginny,
Some days/weeks/even longer, we are only called to just keep going. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo- (sorry for the lighthearted-ness) but Dory (a fish) says “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”. That is often what I need to chant to myself, so I don’t drown when tragedy/grief/normal life difficulties are pulling me down.
Prayers for you- keep finding the beauty where you can and then let God pull you through.
Nadja says
You said it all, Ginny. I tell readers of my blog that I don’t publicize my failures and failings, only the things that I can look back on with joy or at least laugh at. The gory details that surround my darker days will go unpublished.
I pray that your pain will go away, and that you get some rest. Sending you cyber-hugs…
Kelly says
Thank you. I’ve been having hard times here, and this really helped me with some perspective today.
Sending prayers and thanks your way.
Kelly
Marghanita Hughes says
It is posts like these full of truth and honesty, pouring from ones heart that helps us to realize we are all on the same journey, we may take different paths but each journey is fraught with good, bad and damn right ugly-trying times. Reading your words Ginny are quenching for those of us experiencing the uglier times but we know in our hearts that these times will pass and all will be good again, my faith has been my strength….bless you and your family…we are all deeply loved, peace, Marghanita xx
Kara says
I’m sending prayers your way. Hang in there!
Stephinie {gypsyforest} says
I’m just now reading this and thinking how surreal the timing was of this mornings emails. Wow. I am walking a similar path. Trying to be honest and authentic but also keeping in mind how *much* of these stories are mine. It is so very hard sometimes. I wish I had more to say. Some bit of wisdom. Something to bring peace to your heart…. but goodness I cannot begin to think of what that may be. You really got most of it anyhow. Keep loving. You are not alone. Sending much love & light to you.
xoxo~
Annie says
It is hard to know which way to go – but, since I can’t take pretty pictures, the only choice for me was to be really honest, and trust that in doing so I can inspire some others – because the truth is that even when things are difficult I am so full of hope. And things aren’t entirely dark….there’s always progress and joy, and fun, too. It’s a gift God gave me to see the bright side, so why not share it. Then, perhaps when others fall upon equally hard times, they will find companionship. Companionship from others, in “e-land” who are going through the same thing has saved me, absolutely saved me, since for lots of reasons I can’t be open with real-life friends. Though since I’m not just sharing my own story, I did have to switch blogs and go where no one who knows us in person can read it. I hate even that bit of dissembling, but it seems fair and prudent.
I love your beautiful pictures, but they’re too beautiful for me. They make me feel that my own life is ugly and not in any way, shape, or form picturesque or beautiful. It makes me feel lonesome and sad, and like a failure – I know it is weird. I really don’t understand it. I guess it is because you picture the very sort of beauty and the sort of life I always aspired to and came nowhere near.
Kristen | The Frugal Girl says
I think the point is to remember that the pictures are just a snippet of life…we all have pretty parts of our lives and ugly parts, and it helps to remember that we are only seeing the pretty parts.
Cassandra says
Dear Ginny – I do not know exactly why I came across your blog today of all days, and read this post. (First time visitor) But for whatever reason, here I am, offering you my deepest sympathy . . .no… empathy, for the pain you are going through at this time. I too am a homeschooling mother to 6 and less than a year ago went through the most insurmountable trials of my life. And I am still here. By the grace of God my son is alive and we as a family are growing in love and strength like never before. Let that what breaks your heart bind your family together. ((HUGS))
God’s peace to you.
Cassandra
Danna says
Your words are beautiful in your heart ache. Thank you for sharing them. Prayers for strength and healing!
amanda (sweetpotatoclaire) says
LOVED this~ it is exactly the way I feel about blogging. I use my blog to chronicle the ins and outs of our days and to give me a place to focus on and be deeply grateful for the lovely bits of life. There’s plenty of marital struggle, plenty of yucky toddler (and mama) tantrums, plenty of chicken poo on the patio….. but those aren’t the things I want to highlight and hash out in a public forum. (oh how I wish we had a rogue cherry tree like that around here!)
cheers from NC~
Leanne New Zealand. says
Your children are NORMAL that is what you have to remind yourself when those days happen. The moments issues happen to all of us and can be quite a WOW when you find it does happen We have faced a few that I’d never of thought we would of. But you are putting good stuff into your kids and honest all the hard work is worth it – I’m nearing the end of our homeschooling journey (15 years) and the hard work is totally well worth it.
Be there for your boys and children – unconditional love always works and gets you through.
Lots of love Leanne
Anonymous says
I know just what you mean. Our year last year was filled with some of the most deep, heart-wrenching trials, especially with family members and struggles with children. Some of the hard times were so personal, that we just couldn’t share with others. It was sometimes really hard when people would comment about what an amazing mom they think I am, or how my children are just perfect. I knew they meant well, but my world had been turned upside down, and I felt way less than perfect…I felt like I was paddling just to keep my head above water every day.
The blogging world has sometimes helped us all to compare our weaknesses to others strengths. But I think we’d probably do that without blogs as well. I love reading your blog because of the peace that you are able to impart in your writing and photography. Hopefully that never changes.
Thank goodness that we have God to rely on, to help us through the really hard times in this imperfect life. He is the real source of strength.
Val says
” Look at these things instead as the small and precious gifts that remind me of life’s greater gifts, the ones that get hidden in the murk on a bad day, or during a really bad week. Sometimes we celebrate because we’ve simply survived.” Yes, yes, yes, yes. The surviving and wanting to share the “nevertheless” goodness and beauty is exactly why I started my own blog. I love this post. Yes, yes, yes.
Love to you as you go on. ♥
katrina says
I was reminded that we, as parents, are suppose to be the expert on our children and the thing is we aren’t. Sometimes, most days, our children do things that we just don’t understand. And we don’t know how to handle it or them.
We are tossed into this ocean of parenting….happily most days. Our kids are wonderful beings when they build a grave for one broken wing of a butterfly…complete with rocks around it. Or when they remind their friends not to step on the ants. But, in one whole day or in one action, our babies become strangers. Then you ask yourself, what did I do wrong? Then, we distance ourselves from our baby…beyond our control. As their momma, we know that’s wrong, because, we are their moms, after all. The one person who loves and knows why they act a certain way or why they do what they do…more than they do. Or at least that is what we thought.
Shaken to the core with our shame and guilt, we figure out how to take the next breath, the next action, or the next step.
I am sorry you are in pain and I am in awe that you find beauty in the Small Things even during difficult times. It helps your readers to find the beauty in thier own lives.
Sarah R. says
Beautifully written post. And so very important and true. Thank you! It’s a cliche, perhaps, but everyone’s just doing the best they can, and that’s all anyone can do or expect. You will plow through. Sending good wishes your way.
Rebecca says
Well done, Missus. I appreciate this post so much because I am the very same way. Sometimes forcing ourselves to focus on the pretty is pretty much the only way to go. And I know the temptation of seeing only the pretty in other peoples’ lives and only the ugly in our own.
Also- kudos to you for your honesty and openness in the things that can be open and your quiet, closedness in the things that should be left unspoken (to the masses). Not many people know that fine line and I appreciate that you do. Yours boys appreciate that you do too.
PS. I would take an obsessively knit sweater over an obsessively clean house any day of the week! 😉
Give that pretty belly baby a rub for me… 😉
Andrea from ziezo says
Thanks for your honesty and for sharing realities of life. . . . we are not all superhuman. Bloggers often share only one side of life, the happy and perfect one. We all know it’s key to deal with the realities so that we can then again share the happy times. . .
I do hope that you will have a lovely weekend with your family.
Melody says
Yes. I’ve been there. I’m so sorry. You speak to that place with a depth that hits hard. These kind of weeks are so painful that they have altered my motherhood permanently. Knocked me flat because I realize the depth of either my failure or my lack of control. The “I want to disappear” feeling. Those all night tears. When I rise up again, I find that I am changed, subdued… and relying more on the Cross and the grace of God than ever. I cling to that.I’m praying for you and those involved. It is a great blessing to have babies while others are growing… the taking care of the body is not nearly so difficult as the care of the soul and helps me to feel like I’m doing something really well. God bless you.
June says
God bless you on your journey…. and thank you for your truthfulness…..it’s so easy sometimes to feel a tinge of envy perusing these beautiful blogs and feel the slack in our own lives…… I have kids 26, 20, 10 & 4…. there is no manual and no guarantees, but I can promise you, this too shall pass….. keep swimming 🙂
heather says
i hear you- all of it. sending love your way.
Eileen says
Oh Ginny, I have 4 children all grown and on their own now…..and getting them to adulthood was the hardest thing I and my hubby have ever done. Their are still days that we feel in deep water not sure how things will turn out, but they always do seem to turn out the way God planned. Anyone who tries to make their life sound perfect or that they are perfect parents I have no time for…..because it is a lie! You are so right, do not post details- because your children are involved- { since you said it was a bad parenting week}- and often, as I found out the hard way some people will use that information against you or worse against your children.
keep your chin up and remember that their are more good days then bad and yes their is a good reason why we start out with babies and not full grown people.
CathyC says
Oh Ginny! I only write the good stuff on my blog. I was asked once about that, and my reason is because no one has any trouble remembering the bad stuff; it’s the good things that we tend to forget.
I’m sorry you are going through a bad time, I wish I could take some of it for you.
PamJWM says
This has touched me very deeply. Thank you for sharing this, it was exactly what I needed to read.
Hullabaloo Homestead says
“Blogs have a way of deceiving, but that’s only if you choose to read them that way. It’s a choice.”
You know how much I think and feel about choices. I agree. So much of every. single. moment. is a choice. OUR choice. When we apply it to parenting, especially older children…well, thats when I personally get really hard on myself. I had a moment two days ago…it stuck me like a pit in my stomache. Can’t they just stay little babies so easy to just nurse through the bad times?! Its very hard. I know you know.
Much love and strength mama,
:)Lisa
Elizabeth says
My husband and I do not have children at this point but I have enough friends with kids to know that sometimes life gets plain painful. God will not leave you; instead we must invite Him as you have to be with us in our mess. I heard a homily just about that; God Incarnate wants to be in the middle of it, the mess of our lives. Hang in there; I was at a marriage and family class and by the teen years the teacher said you just have to hang on as it is like white water rafting…
Nahuatl Vargas says
I send you love and peace, I wish you calm.
Andrea says
Yes. Thankful you have those little things to remind you of the good when we are in the pit of parenting.
priest's wife (@byzcathwife) says
I’m praying for you and those kids…life is never easy no matter how pretty the pictures are
Marilyn says
Ginny, I am relieved to hear you say something a little negative. Now of course that is NOT why I read your blog! But I have wondered “How in the world???” at times. Rest assured that you are doing a great job at most things, and I suspect a stellar job at the most important ones. Everyone needs help from time to time — there was a time when we really did need a nanny due to our careers, and she was a Godsend. That said, it was a great relief (financially and personally) when we no longer needed her. If 6or 7 kids has brought you to a point where an extra hand is needed, then take it joyfully! That may mean 5 hours or 5 days per week depending onthe family. But it is OK to need some assistance! And now I will take my own advice because what I need is a 5-hour per week tutor for my son…
Jackie says
Thank you for stating that Ginny. I think as parents, we can all relate. My daughter is now grown so I can fully understand the part about pouring myself into her and only realizing much later how I was missing it. I was blessed to read this today especially because of some of the roads we’re traveling right now. We’re all so agonizingly human. {=)
Woolies says
Been there, more times than I care to remember.
The agony of having a child call you when you are away on a business trip to tell you he is suicidal. (he was 14). And almost missing my plane connection in Chicago, but I broke down and SOBBED in the airport, please please let me on the plane I begged, my child is sick, I have to get home..and they did. Thank God.
So many stories, so many heartbreaks.
Parenting is really really hard. Persevere. Have faith and hope and love.
Lauren says
“Your honesty helps us all.” a previous poster wrote, and I second that sentiment.
Hopefully, our support from across all the miles helps you a tiny bit.
We live very different lives, you and I, but can easily unite as mothers of growing youth.
Children are resilient, thank God, and yours are so blessed to have you as their mother, even when you fall short of the mother you think you’re supposed to be (and we all do that – fall short of how we think we’re “supposed to” be).
Our children are also human beings, separate from us, and they will make mistakes just as we all do. They will learn from them, because you will help them learn. And you will both/all come out the other side, eventually.
Thank you for facing your life that next day. Best wishes to you as you work through these current trials.
karen says
Ginny-parenting is all about feeling good and feeling awful while parenting. The most difficult part is respecting our children for who they are and who they will become while deciding what battles to engage in and when to draw the line. Mine are grown and are young adults but those feelings of anger and inadequacy are still there. Each stage has its challenges- I was not the an infant mom, give me a teenager any day but a crying baby oh I would be frustrated!!
Just know you’re not alone and all will work out. Now about blogging-whenever I read blogs it’s like a gift of all that is good and sweet in this world. Your blog is beautiful 🙂