So, what do you do when your usual fall slump arrives, and then decides to stick with you rather than lifting after a week or so as it usually does? That is what I’ve been trying to figure out for myself over these past few months. I hesitate to call it a depression, because that is, well, depressing, not to mention a little scary. I think it’s safe to say though, that when the act of leaving my bedroom each morning was overwhelming me, insomnia was plaguing me, and happy memories were making me sad, that I was just that: depressed. I am owing it to relatively minor health issues that have plagued me lately, really my first time dealing with this sort of thing. Because when your body won’t cooperate, it’s hard to know exactly what to do, especially when I have so many other bodies to care for. I also still carry with me a grief that feels new surrounding the unexpected loss of my stepmother in 2010. It doesn’t go away. It’s a learning experience, navigating life without one of my parents.
After running around to way too many inconclusive appointments in recent months, I’ve come to some simple conclusions about myself on my own, and I am finally feeling better. In some ways I am trying to accept the way that I feel, and doing my best to move forward without fear of my feelings. I am fighting this gently; I am trying to nurture. Alongside making some dietary changes, I’ve found an important piece to my well being, something that really I’ve known since I was a small child. I must spend time outdoors every day, even when it’s cold outside. This becomes tricky when I am wearing layers of wool indoors just to stay warm. For weeks, I felt that I just couldn’t get warm no matter what I did. But, I’ve been doing it, cold or not: I’ve been taking a walk nearly every day. And our Virginia winter is being kind so far. This week we have highs in the fifties. It’s wonderful. But even when the air burns my lungs, I’ve found that just a fifteen minute walk does something very positive for me, something necessary. Nature brings my joy to the surface. At first I was convinced that I needed to take my walks alone, to have time to think, to process, to pray without interruption. I’ve discovered though, that it’s just as well if I am joined by my children and they often do. I enjoy the lone walks, the ones in which I can stop and listen to just the birds, but company is nice too. During a spell of cold days last week, I realized that a hat would help tremendously in keeping me warmer on my walks. Over the weekend I came down with a cold and decided to drop all plans and knit myself that hat. I’ve never knit myself a hat before! I knit this one very quickly, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I like that the pattern shares my stepmother’s name: Jane. It’s supposed to slouch, but I’m not good with that sort of thing, positioning and such. It’s soft and comfortable and warm, and that is what I needed. I like my hat. Jonny followed me around on my walk this week to take pictures of me wearing it. Then, last night, Larkspur and I took a walk at dusk and shared my camera (she wanted to share my hat as well, so maybe I’ll knit her one too.) I think that Larkspur captured my favorite (slightly goofy) photo of myself ever, holding a fat, (slightly annoyed) Intruder kitty. I have to say that I look like a different person in these photos than the one I feel I’ve been these past months. I think I can see myself again.
The other night I dreamt that the dogwoods were blooming, and soon enough they will be.
Shadow Byrd says
Having just been through one of the worst depressive episodes in a long, long while I completely understand and empathize. I’m not through with it yet but I can finally see the light at the end.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing. As always you have amazing pictures.
nele says
for me, music too helped me, healed me, nurtured me
(or I should put it in present time)
singing for instance, revealed a lot for me. or just listening to music …
get on well, dear Ginny
Debi Miller says
Ginny, I miss Jane every day! I can’t imagine what you children are going through. Now that your dad moved away with Sam and Erin I think I feel the loss even more deeply. Thank you for this post, it really reminds me of how important it is to take care of myself. As always, I love hearing your thoughts and the pictures you share.
Kathleen says
Ginny- I am happy to hear that you are feeling better. I know that I have come across similar feelings. The beauty of your post is refreshing. It is amazing how a walk in nature can be healing. Peace and Blessings:)
Gina says
I needed to read this. Really. Why is it so hard for us, as mothers, to nurture ourselves? This applies to so many areas. Thank you for being so candid. I’m sure I’m not the only one who needed to hear it.
amanda {the habit of being} says
i love your honesty and courage. i think these are things most of us have dealt with and yet were afraid to say. kudos, mama! go gently.
Suddenexpression says
I love that although you are not feeling well, you know something that might be heading you in the right direction. You force yourself to take your walks knowing it will do you good. I’ve felt the same way in the past and the hardest part is actually doing it. You are a strong woman and I hope all starts to point up soon! Love the pictures and the hat looks wonderful on you.
Sarah says
Hi Ginny,
I do not think I have posted on your blog before. I love your blog. It is a piece of art. I too struggle with periods of insomnia, tiredness and depression. I am always able to pick myself back up again, but it is often difficult. It feels like such a darkness surrounding me. I know your faith, family and nature must be blessings for you as they are for me during these times. You are in my prayers.
Nancy says
I think you have a lot of courage to open up about your feelings. It makes the rest of us who have felt this way for a season feel more normal. The pictures are lovely. Sometimes you just need a season to mourn and to take care of yourself. Yes, spring is just around the corner 🙂
Nancy
Katherine says
I have depression episodes that are cyclical, mostly connected (I think) with hormones. The deepest ones have usually been during breastfeeding, right before my fertile cycles resume. (My husband thinks it is amusing that I am level-headed enough to step back from my emotions and analyze myself this way). This may also sound odd, but I came to a new revelation about dealing with my emotions after reading an Elizabeth Goudge novel – “The Heart of the Family.” I won’t go explain it all, but basically I had a light bulb moment and realized that besides spiritually offering up whatever pain I had, I could offer up the *fear* of the pain. Once I embraced fear or anxiety as a suffering God was asking me to give to Him, then I was more at peace with my emotions. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it has helped me tremendously.
aimee says
Have you had a full thyroid panel done, not just a TSH, but T3 and T4 levels too, and antibodies. Depression, lack of energy and coldness were all my signs when they finally diagnosed me with an autoimmune thyroid condition called Hashimoto’s, 16 months after my last child.
Sonya says
Ginny,
I hope you feel better soon. Depression is a tough tough thing to go through. The walk and the fresh air does help so much. Have you try speed walking to get your heart rate up. I find that cardio exercise help me out tremendously.
Sonya
Sara says
I feel this way most winters. You are right to get outside! I know when I am feeling particularly gloopy that I need to get outside. Also, during my daughters nap time I have decided not to rush around the house cleaning up. Instead I sit on my bed enjoying the sunshine out my back windows, reading or sewing…anything that’s for me and no one else! When I feel really down that’s when I keep the busiest, even if it’s just going through the motions of an activity.
Renee says
I wrote a post about my depression…today! I understand….in so many ways!!
~~Renee
aknittersnotebook.com
PKJ says
Rest and heal sweet lady. Know that you are held in love and Light by your family and by those countless others who appreciate your words and your craft and the Beauty you find in everyday.
priest's wife (@byzcathwife) says
Fresh air is so important- I live in an urban environment where walks aren’t very….pastoral…but they are still good for the soul
karen says
accepting oneself is most of the battle. We all cannot be the same. I need to be out and about every day. Sometimes I just walk around the property three times with my dog and feel like I’ve seen the world!
My mom has been gone for over 14 years and there are still times I need to tell her something or if I’m lucky I dream of her. She always looks happy and healthy!
Josee says
Thank you for such honest sharing Ginny. The hat is lovely and I pray that you find peace and joy as you take the time to care for yourself. I know for myself that health problems, no matter how minor, are both frustrating and anxiety provoking. During these times I find myself turning inward when this happens and struggle with feelings of anxiety and depression. I went through a bad bout after my last baby. Going outside is helpful, exercise gets those endorphins going 🙂
Amy Corley says
thank you for your beautiful, honest sharing. It is such a gift to others when we are our real selves with them, no matter how scary that is for us inside. Thank you for showing us a glimpse of your real self.
Luckybeans says
There is so much beauty in the dim, in the stillness and quiet and grey. It is a strange beauty, difficult to appreciate, and at times terrifying in its isolation and depth. I have learned, with time, to accept some level of rhythm to it all, to see that my own mind and heart circle round just as suns and stars and seasons do. I always learn things I might have missed otherwise. Be gentle with yourself. Nurture those deep corners of your soul. It is a gift, although it may not feel this way. Even in times when medication must be used to help me struggle to the surface, I am learning to recognize this. You are doing things just right. You are still part of the great wheel of Will and Grace whirling round with all of us in some dance so grand we can hardly bear to be part of it. xo.
Jenny says
In some ways I am trying to accept the way that I feel, and doing my best to move forward without fear of my feelings.
I think this may be one of the most helpful things I have learned, to not be afraid of my feelings. Fear of my feelings, sets off a physical response, so in addition to “feeling” afraid, my body takes over and begins “act” afraid…such a vicious and painful cycle.
The pictures are lovely by the way. Isn’t it nice to see yourself through the eyes of one of your children?
meredith says
i’m glad that you’re starting to feel more like yourself, ginny. i have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since young adulthood, so i feel for you. spending time outside really helps me too, as does yoga and meditation, spending time in the company of favorite books, and just acknowledging how i feel with acceptance. usually, with awareness and acceptance, it passes. your hat is lovely. it really suits you.
Summer says
That was a very brave, honest post. Thank you for being so honest. You looked so thoughtful and lovely in these pictures (the hat is adorable too and how fitting the name- it’s like you’re carrying a little bit of your stepmother with you by wearing it). 🙂 Take care of yourself and know lots of strangers around the world care so much about you.
MotherOwl says
Like you I’ve found outdoor movement to be invaluable for treating fall downs. I love your hat, and hats are necessary, you loose a lot of your body heat that way, in older times people slept with hats as well to keep warm in winter 😉
Try eating a few almonds or nuts a day.
Clear and freezing is better than just above and damp, I totally agree with Laura Jeanne. Today it has turned crispy clear from foggy drizzling dusky days in my little place. I already feel the improvement 🙂
Sorry for rambling.
justamouse says
I so know how you feel. I’m dressed in a million layers in the house and I need to go *outside*? Do you know how cold it is out there?
But you’re right, that daily walk and nurturing yourself is what works. And I’ve also recently learned that a hat makes it all the more tolerable. Really, these are old things to know, I’m kind of kicking myself for having to rediscover them.
Meryl says
Such a brave, real post. This sort of stuff is always so hard to push “publish” on for me. I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling better. Walking always seems to help, no matter what the problem is. At least, it does for me, and it sounds like it does for you.
Ginny says
yes, Meryl, so hard to hit publish this morning!!! one of my goals for this year is to let go of fear, at least to try.
Heather says
Hugs, my friend! It is hard being a mama and wife tending to everyone else. Often we get caught in the mix and are not tended to. Grief is a powerful thing. Missing those you love is tough. Forgive yourself, be gentle and get out for those walks. Nature is such good medicine. I love my daily runs without anyone around. Although where we live right now is suburban, I still see bunnies, a coyote, many birds and even a pair of red-tail hawks.
erin says
Oh. This.
I hear echos of myself in this though mine comes and goes quickly, but feels just as deep some days.
It has been a while since I have visited, but I have no idea why. Glad to be back.
P.S. I do love that picture of you with the cat. It is rather perfect.
Warmly,
e.
heathermama hawkes says
((hug)) i have suffered from depression at times, it passes with time. it is good you have found something to help, nature seems to be able to do that. be gentle with yourself.
i love that hat. 🙂
Sherri says
Thank you for sharing this post. Please know you are not alone. Many of us know exactly how you feel. I think you look beautiful in hats (and always for that matter 🙂 I love the “Jane” hat. I’ve made that one for myself too (it is my favorite) and also didn’t get much slouch. But, I love to wear it over my ears so no slouch is ok with me. Your photos are always so wonderful! Take care of yourself and keep up with those walks, they will do you good!
Grace says
Love to you. Also, these pictures are great! And I think the hat has the right amount of slouch!
natalie says
Such a January feeling that I feel myself. I love your introspection about this. Your words are beautiful. And all the photos are amazing.
Gretchen R says
I can relate so much to what you wrote. After my first child, I felt exactly how you described, and when I went to the doctor, he asked me 2 questions, and wrote me a prescription. I was hesitant to take it because it felt more serious than I thought I was, and I wasn’t SURE that’s what it was, and I had known many people who had gone on the long, but necessary journey of finding just the right medication. My husband suggested that we put the prescription on the fridge, and try something else first. So he held the baby while I ate, and made sure I finished my plate 3 times a day. Then he pushed me outside for a walk for at least 15 minutes every day. It made a world of difference, and I was myself in a matter of 2 weeks or so. I NEED to eat, and I NEED my time outside everyday, although I don’t always want to go out in the cold.
I’ve also found out that I get low on the “B” vitamin really easily, and I guess that’s typical in the year after giving birth. So I sometimes take a B complex supplement, and it makes a huge difference to my foggy, emotional state.
Thank you so much for writing this beautiful post. You are so precious to so many of us.
Kristen says
Love these pics and this post and you 🙂 I have suffered depression many times in my life and by the grace of God have avoided seasonal affective disorder. This post made me feel a little less alone thinking about those times in my life when things were just wrong. Or off. And there was no explanation and the only thing I knew was NO MORE PHARMACEUTICAL ANSWERS. ((HUGS))
Penny says
That cat loves you.
Thank you for sharing Ginny. My Dad died just a couple of months ago and I feel guilty because it’s still so close to me every day. Thank you for allowing me space to accept that, and know that it’s ok. I hope it never leaves in a way, but can maybe someday be less painful. I miss him.
I am so grateful for you – you have a way of writing that zeroes in and gets me every time, whatever the topic happens to be. I’m so thankful to you for sharing your gift!
And I also love your hat. Of course.
Grace says
Don’t feel guilty that it’s still close to you. My DOG died last year and it’s still close to me! I can’t imagine the grief of losing a parent. A friend lost her mother a few months ago, and a few weeks ago, turned 42. On her birthday, I couldn’t stop thinking (and I know she was thinking this, too, bc her birthday was hard for her), “How do you know how to have your birthday without your mother?” I don’t suppose that grief ever really goes away. My mom’s patents died almost 20 years ago and I know it can still be pretty raw for her sometimes. Anyway, I just want to say, don’t feel guilty about it.
Penny says
Thank you Grace. Thank you.
Melissa N says
My Grammie died 9/25/10, and it’s been a hard thing to really grasp at times. You feel like it can’t be real sometimes. She’s always been there, and now she’s not. Sometimes tears are just below the surface and come bubbling up unexpectedly when a certain thought of something runs through your mind and before you know it you are trying to hold the tears back. What has been hard to me is that empty chair at family get togethers, or the absense of her name on my birthday card from my Gramp. Grief is a long process, and we really don’t know why the Lord has us go through it, but we lean not on our own understanding. May you find peace in His presence.
Penny says
Thank you, and I’m sorry about your Grammie – grandmothers are a special kind of precious, that’s for sure. xo
Teresa C says
You look lovely in your hat. I hope you continue to feel better. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Laura Jeanne says
Thank you for having the courage to share this. I am quite sure that many of your readers can relate to your experience. I too have suffered from depression on and off over the years. Usually, it’s a mixture of true sorrow and physical problems, coming together to just drag me down.
The sorrow is difficult to shake sometimes, but it’s not too hard to give the body a boost with outdoor exercise. That is the one thing I have always found to help me. In fact, I recently decided to go for more walks myself. I have been feeling down too, which is easy this time of year when we get so little sunlight and time outdoors.
I must admit I giggled along with Michelle at the thought of your Virginia air burning the lungs – since I also am Canadian. But, I will say that when it is very very cold out, the air is also dry, so it isn’t really as bad as you might think. I find that when it is just below freezing, and the air is damp, it feels colder.
Your hat is lovely – I do wish I could knit. I admire all those ladies who can whip up such gorgeous creations from a pattern that looks like ancient Greek (to me)!
Maggie says
Thank you for your honesty, Ginny – it helps us all, I think. So many of the blogs I have been reading lately have had this similar theme. Will be praying for you. Love your blog!
Olivia says
The air in our city is so bad we are told to stay indoors at all costs. It’s gettin’ a bit dicey in here with my wrestlin’ boys. Your path looks so peaceful, and well worn.
I always feel so guilty when I get in these funks. You feel like you should be able to rise above it, tell yourself that it’s all in your head. Remind yourself how blessed you are and have no right to feel down when surrounded by so much love and beauty and hope. And yet…
I recently moved away from my home of 32 years to a place where I cannot even communicate with the grocery store clerks. Getting out of bed has been hard for me too lately.
Peace be with you.
Susan @ Tea & Cake says
Ginny, I think that I may be one of those SAD (seasonal affective disorder) people. Every year in the autumn I experience a kind of “slump”, too, that stays with me throughout the dark months of winter. I came to the same conclusion that you have: I need to get outdoors every day. It really does help. Even on cloudy days, walking out under the sky and breathing in fresh air in the company of trees lifts my spirit. I’m really glad that you wrote about this.
Your new hat is beautiful–it really suits you. (And, I LOVE your coat).
These photos are wonderful; I feel like I got to walk along with you : )
Lori Ann says
Thanks for sharing the post. I am sure many of us have been through the feelings – glad it is coming together for you. LOVE the cat in your arms – that alone gave me joy this morning. Animals know just what we need and are always at the ready to help us out of slumps! And the hat is fabulous! Have a joy-filled day!
Lori says
if you hadn’t found the answer on your own, i would have suggested the very same thing. daily exercise outdoors, year-round, regardless of the weather has really turned my life around. we got a dog a few years ago and he’s been the best life coach and trainer ever. 🙂
somehow daily fresh air and sunshine along with exercise makes me hungry for healthier foods, and it became a really good upward spiral.
i hope you continue to climb up!
Amy says
Thank you for posting this. My mother in law struggles with this very thing but I have a hard time understanding how she’s feeling, as she’s not very forth coming about it. I think you summed it up very well.
And of course, great photos. I love your hat.
Kris Sherrill says
Ginny, this is something I’m going through right now. I need to make a lot of changes in my life. And walking looks like a great idea. We are having some warm weather in N. Ga. but wet rainy days too. I love your hat. I did take a few classes from a friend on how to knit a hat. It was really hard for me. Too much concentration. Then I’d lose it and it would be all over the place. I don’t know how you knit with all you have going on. I have to be totally by myself then still mess up! I’ll stick to crocheting and quilting. Maybe knitting hats later. Have a great day!
Tonya - Plain and Joyful Living says
Wow, Ginny my past month or two has paralleled yours in many ways – I have been dealing with an infection which resulted in 1/2 my face swelling, antibiotics, feeling down, not sleeping, etc…. I have come to a very similar conclusion – even if I just walk up and down the driveway with Emmy (which can take 30 minutes when I let her walk/explore) – I feel sooo much better. I will keep you in my prayers.
How wonderful to knit yourself a hat!
Warmly,
Tonya
Kathy says
This is such a hard parenting season too, give yourself some acknowledgment of that reality. It isn’t wrong to be overwhelmed right now, it is so good to know what feeds your soul so that you can better feed their’s. I’m so glad your feeling better, and I really ‘got’ this post, I’ve been there and hung out in the blue of it for far too long. Your photos are just beautiful, thank you for keeping this space up to encourage and share beauty (and real) with all of us, it is appreciated.
Debi says
I’m so glad that you are finding your way to feeling better. Your hat is lovely, I admire how quickly you can knit a project, I am such a slow knitter! I think you have a budding photographer in your midst… the photos are beautiful.
Maribeth says
I think you’re doing everything right. Sometimes just acknowledging and accepting it can be the help you need. I tend to be the same way in the winter time. For me, just understanding why that was helped me enough to realize that it wasn’t going to be forever until the sun came back and I could feel the warmth on my face. Also recognizing that we have so much love and good around us sometimes is enough to make me content. And sometimes I bundle myself up to sit on the porch for 5 min and let the sun hit my face. It makes my day immediately better!
Michelle says
I, too, need to spend time in nature. It is so therapeutic. It seems we have lost that connection with the earth in these modern times. I am so glad that you know what you need and that you do it. Smart woman.
But… the thought that your cold Virginia air burns your lungs made me giggle. Come visit Saskatchewan in January. -35C without the windchill. Now that would burn the lungs. 🙂
Ginny says
Michelle, I’m originally from Alabama, the deep south!! I would never survive in Saskatchewan!!!
Michelle says
You would get used to it. The cold air is like a tonic. Plus, Canada is so beautiful! You could snap pictures all day long.
denise says
these are lovely pictures Ginny – I’m glad you are feeling more like yourself and I appreciate you sharing so openly as what you write about is very real.
Your hat is beautiful. I can’t help but admire your coat too.
Have a good day.