Last Friday we met friends in Shenandoah National Park for a little rock climbing. Larkspur and the boys had a really great time. Beatrix is too little to climb and was not enthused with the situation. My stomach does funny things when my kids, or my friends’ kids for that matter, are on top of big rocks. I think that next time Silas, Beatrix, and I will stay home and leave this kind of fun to the big kids!
p.s. My sister and I had a good long talk today. She mentioned the fact that I must have had a perfect Mother’s Day, based on what she saw on the blog. I told her that I actually ended up in tears by the end of the day. “You know what, I really hate Mother’s Day, ” she confessed. I in turn confessed that I had a hard time focusing on the good parts of the day myself and wished we could just do away with it and all it’s commercialized high expectation inducing ….
Yes, it’s nice to have a day on which you can expect a little “special treatment.” I am so thankful to Jonny for taking the younger kids for a little while giving me a couple hours to actually do what I wanted without feeling guilty for not using that time to catch up on laundry or bathroom duty and I like that about Mother’s Day. But I don’t like the ugly way I felt when Beatrix crept into my room and woke Silas and me earlier than usual. I don’t like the sense of entitlement that crept over me. (“It’s Mother’s Day and I am supposed to be sleeping late!”) I sat up and went to the window with Silas where we saw Jonny and Larkspur in the garden picking flowers for me. He didn’t notice that Beatrix had gone in the house. I don’t like the yucky side of me that was annoyed with him when I should have been focused on the fact that he was picking me flowers first thing in the morning.
Sunday evening, I carried my camera with me to church. I thought Jonny might be able to get a picture of me with all the kids for Mother’s Day. Two of my kids were so uncooperative about the whole thing that I ended up in tears, feeling very sorry for myself. My hurt and angry words didn’t produce apologies. There was no, “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings Mommy…let’s go get that picture now.” (I am totally laughing at the thought of one of my boys saying something like that!) I found myself hating Mother’s Day too.
My kids aren’t perfect and neither am I. That doesn’t change just because it’s Mother’s Day. Go figure.
The truth is that motherhood is a gift in and of itself, and not because of what I “get.” It’s a gift in the way it transforms me each day, into a person who recognizes when she is feeling a little too entitled, into a person who deep down knows that one of the greatest gifts is my opportunity to serve my family in this humble way. Having these children to love, that is enough. I’ll always be a fan of wildflowers in vases and handmade cards though.
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Mmmm, I do hear what everyone’s saying…but it is so nice to have a couple of days in the year when we’re (hopefully) given a little bit of special treatment. I for one certainly appreciate the extra effort made by my family to just give me a bit of much needed rest! On a different note – looks like we’ve been posting some climbing pics at the same time…yours are just beautiful with that glorious sunshine.
Motherhood (and “wifehood” for that matter) are most definitely my tickets to heaven. And I can’t complain about that, now can I?
I can relate to that sense of entitlement that one feel’s on “your day”. Sometimes it just feels better to tell yourself that Mother’s Day is a silly holiday that was made up by Hallmark. 😉
Thank you again for your honesty and inspiriation 😀
Thank you for your continued honesty and courage to reveal the “messiness” of your life in your writing, Ginny. It is appreciated more than you know. I also have enjoyed the community of these comments. It is an encouragement to me. I too had trouble with this and other commercialized holidays in the past. The world makes us feel as though the holiday needs to fit a certain perfect mold to be a wonderful day. The idea of entitlement is rampant everywhere and so dangerous for all of us!
This year I was determined NOT to fall into the trap and that in itself helped. My husband was working all weekend, so my son and I had a quiet uneventful and imperfect day together on Sunday. The next day when my husband was home, I made brownies for dessert and my 4 year old said it was a Happy Mama’s day cake out of the blue, so we enjoyed it together. I always try to remember ” This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it” no matter what He has sent us that day and no matter what the outside world says.
A couple of years ago I figured out what the kids wanted and what I wanted from the day, they are 4,6 and 8 now.
They wanted to give me a gift, so I buy 3 small/needed things in advance and they each choose which one they want to wrap, they think their Dad is an awesome gift chooser 🙂 but it is nice when they see me using the gift and not just tucking it away somewhere.
I also get up early and make muffins and a bowl of fruit, this year just sliced strawberries, and leave out a tray. I go back to bed with a book and then they bring the breakfast and juice and we all share it in my bed. Really they are the ones who want to eat in bed, and they eat most of the food !!!
Sometimes they make cards in advance, sometimes on the day, sometimes not.
I try to do the things on MY to-do list that day (like my washing) and not someone else’s and the dinner that I cook is something that I like (my middle one cried because the cake didn’t have frosting – but I don’t like frosting, so he had fruit and whipped cream)
In essence the day is the same as every other, but I have changed how I felt about it, I am not disappointed anymore even if I have to make a few (most)of the things happen myself.
I also have a good friend to call so I can see what SHE is making HERSELF for Mother’s Day dinner, this year she had a vomiting child, an overflowing toilet and a broken glass in the kitchen, I know she was glad I called so she could laugh about it…….
Lovely post. I too felt a sense of entitlement at one point during the day, when my son was being particularly uncooperative. And I realized he is particularly uncooperative about this certain topic nearly every day – I should be thankful for the gift of patience I’m learning, not expecting it to change because it’s Mother’s Day. Thank you for the reminder!
Oh wow, yes, thankyou. Everything you say totally resonates with me in a deep deep way about what I have been feeling lately (you know those moments when you wonder if all the work is paying off and if these little wild things will ever be civilised?) and I don’t even have Mother’s Day to blame (UK mama!) for the feelings of entitlement. Your perspective is so precious and inspiring, and this morning that was just what I needed to read.
i was so sad this mother’s day as well. by the end of the day i was just steaming mad. i felt very much like i wasn’t even a thought in my families head. i don’t want big rings, or fancy stuff, just acknowledgement that they know i am here doing stuff for them,…. all the time, everyday. then i felt dumb for being so upset. i am still sorta feeling weird about the whole thing. it didn’t help that mike’s niece posted pix on FB of all the great stuff that happened to her on mother’s day. i just felt very forgotten.
My birthday makes me feel the same way… I could never put my finger on why exactly that day made me so miserable, but you’ve helped me see.
BTW, are you pregnant?
why? do I seem a little more neurotic than usual?? 🙂
no, I’m not pregnant.
Bwahahaha sorry, that just made me laugh, a lot. 🙂 🙂
The weepiness made me think maaaaybe, lol. That’s how I am when I’m pregnant and I don’t know it yet. 😉 No offense!
Oh, I had this same experience over the weekend! I threw a little fit because I didn’t have breakfast in bed first thing Sunday morning. Oof.
Did I really say I hate mother’s day? What I was meaning to say was, “I wish the day didn’t exist”. Just because of the expectations in it-but I guess what needs to go are my expectations-not the celebration of mothers! Where would be without our mothers-!!! and what a gift to be mothers!!!!!!
Abby, I knew exactly what you meant! Of course we appreciate our mom and motherhood in general!
Forgot to mention: I love that blue shirt on Lark–what it does for her blue eyes is amazing!
One more person agreeing with you here. I hate any of the All About Me days. I have to fight feeling sulky and unappreciated (I married a very practical but unromantic man), and am glad to be done with it.
That being said, I did take a nap after Mass (I’d suffered insomnia the night before) and knit all afternoon, and did NOT, for once, feel guilty or self indulgent about it.
AMEN, sister! I “HATE” it too! I actually boycot ALL what I call “Hallmark Holidays” myself…the only things that matter to me anymore are Christmas, Easter, my anniversary and my kid’s birthdays. And seriously? Even my anniversary all I want is a special look in the eyes, a smile, an I love you, and an “I remember that day. Still the best day of my life.” Between my husband and I. 🙂 Those riDICulous “expectations” are what continually drive a wedge between my parents and myself. I don’t care. They care too much. *sigh*. Wipe those tears. Every day is mommy day! 🙂
“Yeah, what she said.”
Once again you put my feelings into words. Much love to you, Ginny. Thank you for your honesty.
i cannot tell you how much i needed this post and all the comments!!! i am loving your blog more and more. it’s so honest, so real, so raw. thank you for being in this space and for sharing your life with us the way that you do.
yes, it’s the little things that count. each and every single day. high expectations will always only lead to dissappoinment, i am learning this too!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on Mothers’ Day. I was feeling a bit bummed reading a bunch of uplifting, so-thankful-for-my-children posts, which were really beautiful, but were making me feel guilty for my own thoughts on that day. My 4-year-old daughter has been looking forward to Mothers’ Day for weeks because, “It’s when we get to spend all day with YOU, mommy!” Well, truth be told, she spends all day with me pretty much all the time, so I was actually looking forward to getting a little break and “me time.” I felt guilty about not wanting to spend time being a mom on the day that celebrates moms. There was definitely some feeling of entitlement going on. Thanks for the reality check!
Funny, I sort of feel the same way. I like the handmade cards and some cut flowers (preferably from a nearby field – even weeds are fine!) too, but while I appreciate the doting nature of my husband and kids (they’re trying, truly they are), I feel sort of miffed. Maybe it is feeling sorry for myself, selfish, hating all eyes on me when I open the cards!, expectations not being met (mine or theirs), feeling guilty…I guess I want us all to treat each other with care and concern and putting the other first each and every day, not just once a year. (or maybe twice – birthday)
I completely agree … Mother’s Day is an odd “holiday,” and I have never emphasized it with my children nor did my mother do so with me. If we can’t appreciate each other any old day, then a designated day isn’t going to do the trick. For me, I much prefer picking a pretty day to take a hike or have a family picnic, whatever day it may be!
I think your children are so LUCKY to have you for a mama. At least you knit and do cool stuff like that. Plus your kids are just so cute.
Thank you for your honesty! I had a hard time with it too. I feel that way about my birthday too which is very close to Mother’s Day! I keep thinking that something has got to change next year when it comes to these holidays. I guess I need to look inside and make that change!
I appreciate your honesty about Mother’s Day. I, also, felt very sad that day for different reasons than yours, and I didn’t know how to express it. Your post helped me a lot. I also enjoyed reading your sister’s blog, especially the part about singing.
I think I understand, we just didn’t celebrate, it’s too complicated anyway, since mother’s day in Mexico in May 10, but in tv (we don’t have one) they would anounce the American date, while in Costa Rica is August 15. My kid is 5, I’m a single mom, so nobody remembers, and I guess it’s better, we just do the same of every day, and that’s fine.
I hope you have a good day, today.
Mother’s Day – we just don’t do it anymore. We only observed it before because my eldest 2 were in school and they were made to make cards there. I used to get so upset, though, when I realised that there was no real meaning behind it for them; although they loved me, they didn’t really appreciate what I did for them all year… now I can see that they were simply too young to have that kind of perspective. As my husband says, we should appreciate each other every day – not have to be reminded to do so one day a year – and we really try to live by that. (I do like a fuss on my birthday, though – blush!)
I’d like to echo everyone’s thanks. My husband actually did try really hard this year, but then his back went out, so I had an invalid, a toddler, and an 8 month pregnant body to contend with. It’s a wonder things were as nice as they were! I like to think I have realistic/low expectations, but then because of that, I think I’m less tolerant of deviations from my plan…I suppose someday I’ll grow out of it, by God’s grace.
No-one’s ever voiced this before but it’s true that we have such high expectations of what the day should bring. I suppose we imagioine that every other mother out there doesn’t lift a finger all day. I for one have a normal day (we have ours in March in the UK) and if any of my children rememeber it’s mother’s day I’m over the moon, presents or no presents!
I know what you mean about a funny tummy when they’re high up, with me it’s my legs!
Jess xx
you know i love this post. thank you so much for writing it. i was feeling rather sorry for myself (all those hyped expectations that no one can possibly live up to – with four little kids etc.) after the complaining i gave my mother in law (she is very patient) i realized what a gift my husband had given me this weekend. i am such a child sometimes with how i forget all the details of someone’s thoughtfulness. i spend mother’s day up with a sick feverish child and that caused me to have a bad night’s sleep. big deal – that little guy – my youngest (3 years old) told me over and over again this morning on our way to take the older kids to school that he loved me. i know that we bonded even tighter through the fever-sickness. thank you Lord for teaching me to count my blessings. (i even had breakfast in bed made and served by my 7 year old daughter – with a stack of homemade poems – that was my favorite gift of the weekend.) so ginny thank you for your candid honesty and your openness to share how we all are in need of our Savior.
Poor little Beatrix.
My Mothers Days are so odd. I’m American, my husband is French and we live in Lithuania (and have always lived in some third country). So we have three Mothers Days most years. Last year they couldn’t figure out which one to celebrate, and kept putting it off. Finally, they gave up. My husband is so not the kind to organize the girls and get them to do something; for him, it must be sincere, from the heart, not planned. Unfortunately, most kids can’t really get organized or go off shopping on their own.
I’ve learned to love what comes: a word, a card, a flower. The cards this year made me cry hard! My 12 year-old got a bit alarmed.
I did get a bit miffed at my husband this year because he flat out refused to make breakfast with my six year-old, who wanted to make me a special breakfast. He’s perfectly capable of making crepes — he does it all the time! Nope. Wouldn’t do it. But he did run out for croissants. My six year-old wasn’t all too pleased about giving up her plan. Fortunately, she likes croissants and pains au chocolat! (yes, I felt worse for her than for me!) I think I’m going to celebrate Daughters Day sometime soon!
what a wonderful post and it was exactly the same way i felt on sunday – add to that the guilt i felt for feeling that way and not “appreciating” the title of mother when i have so many single and childless female friends! all hogwash!
can i just say how much i absolutely love your blog! thank you for being so honest without being nasty or scandalous or trying to be outrageous! its a pleasure to read!
Ginny, you can always ask me to take your picture! I will get those kids to cooperate ;)!!
This. All of it. Thank you for your honesty. It makes me feel less of a beast for having similar not-liking-my-reactions-to-things on days with Names.
I have learned to expect nothing on this day, and just take it as it is…another day. I love being a mom and don’t need a special day to celebrate it, I celebrate it everyday. Everyday with my little man, whether it be a good day or a difficult day, is a gift and I will forever celebrate that.
Many, many years ago I handled my dissatisfaction with the whole Mother’s Day hoopla by telling my 2 daughters that they were free to totally disregard MD, because if they were (and they are) good children all year, there is nothing they could do that is more special than that, and if they were bad children, nothing they could do for one day would change the rest of the year. I really feel like that, though I have to confess I do enjoy their making a point of calling me (now that they live far away) on MD!
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your blog and love seeing your beautiful family. I always look forward to your posts. My babies are growing up so fast, one moved to Canada, one’s in college and my baby is in middle school…I love looking back at when they were young and your pictures and words take me there. Know that as you are sending your feelings into cyberspace that your readers are embracing you and sending you love and support…I know that I am.
thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!! you put into words exactly how I was feeling on Sunday but somehow couldn’t get my head around my resentment. Mothering has been hard the last few weeks and of course things don’t suddenly snap into perfection just because it’s mother’s day. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that motherhood is a transforming gift – I think tomorrow I’ll just start with remembering to breath deeply and remain calm and then go from there!!
Thank you for your honesty. I felt the same way on Mother’s Day – my baby also woke me up earlier than usual, at breakfast my boys wouldn’t stop fighting, my husband slept in instead of getting the kids breakfast, and worst of all, none of my kids made me a drawing or a card or anything. So yeah, I was fighting feelings of self pity all day. You are so right though, that motherhood is a gift in itself, the only gift I should need.
You know, Mother’s Day was originally created by a Civil War social activist to be a day for women to unite against war. It was a day to take our power for change in the world seriously.
http://www.theholidayspot.com/mothersday/history.htm
It later became a day simply to honour mothers in general. But maybe it would help some of us to remember that the first Mother’s Days were not for sleeping in. 🙂
Thanks so much for your honesty. Glad to know I’m not the only one that was feeling that way on Sunday.
Oh, my! Have I been there! “It’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t have to be folding laundry.” “It’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t have to cook.” “It’s Mother’s Day, let me pick the movie!” It’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t even have to sound like Queen Witch saying all that, all you kids should have just let it happen. That’s how it usually goes, but this year I actually got a present, was taken out to lunch by one of my bestest, and my oldest came and cooked dinner – and I got to pick the movie! Your kids are young, it’ll happen. You’re a terrific mother!!!
Your honesty is so refreshing, thank you. And I’m going to say this, I’ve learned not to because women look at me like I have two heads when I do, but I cannot stand Mother’s Day. And what’s funny is my kids are grown and I still don’t like it. I have learned over time not to have any expectations whatsoever and once I really grasped that, it’s okay. This past Sunday was quiet, I sat and knitted and read, two of my kids gave a hoot, two didn’t, and that’s okay. Just glad it’s over with! But thank you again for your lovely posts, as always, it’s nice to know others aren’t afraid to say, yeah, it’s not my favorite day!
beautifully said! I think it all comes down to expectations. If you have none or little you can never be disappointed 🙂 Your mother’s day sounds like it was a lovely day and isn’t it great to have a sister? I love mine!
I’ve learned never to expect a perfect Holiday. My kids were gone half the day. 🙁 When they were with me, we enjoyed our time together, despite tears, fighting, and pain.
I think this Mother’s Day was the closest I’ve ever had to an actually good one. It’s a day that just sets us up to be disappointed.. in someone or something! I, too, get that entitlement. It’s hard not to, I think. Here’s a day that our children are supposed to cherish us and our partners are supposed to honor us and they’re all supposed to treat us like a queen and that’s a whole to put on a man and bunch of kids! Lol! I think my birthday more than makes up for mother’s day, anyway. That day always seems to work out. 🙂
Thanks for saying this, Ginny. I really needed to hear it. I generally really enjoy Mother’s Day, although this year I felt ambivalent until I figured out why. My daughter was spending with weekend with her dad, which didn’t bother me, except that she’s generally in a very moody, sassy, irritable, and generally unpleasant when she returns (I guess all that processed sugar and white flour will do that for you), which was Mother’s Day evening, of course. I ended up cross and crying after she refused to even say the words, “happy Mother’s Day”. Sigh. I do try to keep my expectations in check on my birthday and Mother’s Day generally, but my family does try to be a little extra loving and appreciative on those days. ((hugs)) to all of us moms to ended up a bit disappointed. (And thanks for giving me the opportunity to share my feelings about my daughter. I haven’t done that with anyone except my husband and it feels good to get it out there.)
I can SO relate. I didn’t realize just how selfish I am until I became a mother. I can’t count the number of times I’ve looked at the child throwing the tantrum and realized I was doing the same thing on the inside. 🙂
What a fun climbing trip, and what a beautiful family! Sorry about the Mothers Day frustrations – it’s a very hard day in this household as well for opposite reasons, as we’re struggling with infertility. Seeing everyone else celebrating motherhood (plus all the pitying looks from nice people at church) makes for a dreaded day. Which leaves me to wonder….is there any holiday everybody actually enjoys? I always hear this same discussion repeated around the internet for holidays like Christmas or Valentines. One fun thing is that my brothers and I are finally old enough to really treat our Mom to something special…there were many years of hair-pulling Mothers Days for our Mom before we became adults!
I think I get this, in a different way. I’m a single mom now. Before I was a single mom, my ex made very little effort on any day, and only slightly more on Mother’s Day. But because my expectations were so high (well…not high, but I did have some expectations), I just ended up feeling horrible on Mother’s Day. It actually ended up being a *worse* day than a usual day.
Now that I’m a single mom, I know I can’t have very high expectations, if any, because a three and six year old obviously aren’t going to do a giant Mother’s Day celebration for me. I did cry in the morning this year, before they came home from their dad’s (a little self-pity cry was my own gift to myself!), but all in all, I had a very nice Mother’s Day because I did what I wanted–hung out with my girls and spent the day gardening. Their were no expectations to get in the way of my enjoyment.
I know, it’s hard. No matter what. And I think you are right–all the hype from the advertising, the media, etc., helps set up a sense of expectation that is probably not going to be met for most people. I’m not sure I agree entirely on the “entitlement” point because I do believe moms are entitled to be pampered and treated well, but I do see what you mean. In any case, happy late Mother’s Day! 😉
I agree, its a weird day. They love us everyday.
I spent the day cleaning and using mothers day as a reason my children should fight with each other…. 🙂
Jacq
SHOULDN”T!!! sheesh!
I totally agree with you with the commercialising of holidays like mothers day, but all of them are, sadly. I remember many years ago chatting with another mom and she said she told her husband he was getting her….. for mothers day. And she meant it. And I started to adopt that attitude. But this year I was so sick and laying in bed all day, sleeping half of it. All I got was homemade cards but I felt so blessed to have my family care for me and love on me. I know that no one loves me more on this earth than my family. And I know at times that sometimes doesnt feel like it gives us everything we need to keep goin or it doesnt feel like that is gratitude on their part. But its the unexpected gifts, or simple suprises that are usually most memorable and fullfilling.
Thanks for your honesty, it helps others be honest too : )
Seems like this Mothers Day produced a few feelings of ‘why’….. I’ve just posted about these very same thoughts and now I pop over here and find your words! Interesting.
I get this. It’s hard isn’t it? I said to my husband (who had been helping me with dishes the entire time) “I’m so frustrated with you sitting on the couch! it’s mothers day AND I’m pregnant!” I wouldn’t have said that any other day… So yeah, I get it.
I am so guilty of that feeling of “entitlement”. My “day” was ruined because of that one little word. Thank you for putting it into words. Next year will be different thanks to your post.