Before today, I’d only told a friend that they hurt my feelings once in my life that I can recall. I am the type that stuffs it when my feelings are hurt for the most part (unless you’re Jonny-for some reason I have no problem telling him EXACTLY how I feel.) The one time I made an exception to this rule, I actually wrote my friend a letter because I couldn’t face actually telling her. I can’t remember the details, despite the fact that they were terribly important to me at the time, and I was really upset. Essentially I wrote a whole lot that could have been summed up with one sentence: You hurt my feelings when you “x.” Our friendship survived and has become one of those comfortable ones that I plan to grow old with (hopefully she has the same plan that I do!) We still sometimes refer to what is known only as “The Letter.”
A few months ago, a new friend hurt my feelings, but I didn’t tell her. Somehow this one situation erased in my mind the “good times.” I made myself forget how much I had enjoyed hanging out with her, and I guess I forgot that she did seem to like me when we were together. I decided that she must have not ever really liked me to begin with. Doesn’t this sound like high school? Yeah, I know. But don’t we all have growing up to do in some area? As much as I thought it would be easy to call this a friendship “that didn’t work out,” she kept emailing me and even called a couple of times, and the truth is that I like her. It occurred to me that maybe I was wrong about her, and that maybe she was totally clueless that she had hurt my feelings. It’s not like I told her. If you don’t tell someone that they’ve hurt you, it’s not quite fair to just write them off now is it? I realized that I needed to maybe be a big girl and actually say my feelings out loud to her even though that sort of thing totally scares me. So before I could chicken out, I called her. We talked for awhile before I actually got around to telling her that she had hurt my feelings a few months back. Of course after telling her it became clear that she never meant to. I’m glad that I told her. She was glad that I told her. What was I so afraid of?
I realize that none of this goes with chick photos. The chicks were what I meant to write about tonight. So this is for you chicken people, because details are good right? Kind of like the way I have this need to know how much my friends’ new babies weigh, don’t you want to know what breeds of chicks we have this time? Okay, I’ll tell: four Rhode Island Red, six Silver Lace Wyandottes, three Columbian Rock Crosses (there were originally four–Chicky was one of these), and four Ameraucanas. That adds up to 17. I am not sure how that happened because we were talking about getting six chickens this time around, but then decided to go ahead and get twelve. I guess I got confused and added those two numbers together. Oops!
I’m still in the process of reading The Small Scale Poultry Flock but it is already completely influencing the way we are caring for our new flock of chicks. Inspired by Harvey Ussery, our new flock is being fed organic feed that we are supplementing with what we call “salads.” A couple of times each day we prepare a platter of chickweed and dandelion greens for the babies. They love it. Eventually, when they are grown, we plan to reverse that and treat the store bought organic feed as a supplement to their free range diet of insects, scraps, and other forage. I am hoping that Jonny will build a chicken tractor so I can control their foraging this time around and keep them from free ranging in my vegetable garden. We’ll see.
p.s. Beatrix looks way too grown up in this picture!
Nicola says
Last year I had the experience of a “friend” telling me exactly what she thought. Actually, she yelled it at me several times. I was stunned and realized, some people never grow up from high school. About Bea looking grown up. I thought that before I read your comment and in your post above…her hair is suddenly so long!
Cari says
As a person who frequently says things she doesn’t mean to say & has never had a friendship where I don’t step on someone’s toes, please, please always say something to them, or at least me!!! I have had several friendships, in the not so distant past (like last month) end because I have said something that I didn’t realize was hurtful & the person never said anything until it festered out of control. I have gotten much, much better over the years, but when I am stressed, tired, or overly busy (can anyone say all three right now!!!) then my filter is not as good as it should be. I know that I can say the wrong thing so normally I am very good at apologizing. From one who usually says the wrong thing, the only excuse I can think of is my background. I grew up in a household where we said anything under the cover of being “honest” or “helpful.” Never was a situation discussed & solved, it was yelled about & every past grievance was brought up, so much drama. Can you imagine my surprise when my husband wouldn’t fight this way…thank God!!! Some of us just don’t grow up knowing how to interact properly….ME!! I’m glad that the friendship did last b/c usually those become some of the closest & best!!!
Tammy says
I’m so glad everything worked out so well for you. I had a similar issue years ago. When I finally confronted my friend (which is more difficult than anything for me), she wasn’t so understanding and instead got defensive. Our friendship pretty much dissolved. Sad story I know. But, I still believe that telling someone is the right thing to do. If they’re truly your friend they’ll want to resolve the issue.
Love your chickens. I’m still waiting on my hubby to get my coop built…
Kelly says
Lovely post – I had almost the SAME thing happen a couple of months ago. This “new friend” wouldn’t give up, and when I finally answered her call she expressed that she was afraid she had done something to upset me. I told her she had, but that I was over it now. She insisted I tell her, and at almost 40 years old I discovered the MIRACLE of just laying it out there. What was I afraid of, indeed. 🙂
Allana says
Well done! I find it hard to stick up for myself in a non confrontational way. Thankyou for sharing your story, next time I’ll be braver 🙂
Thanks also for the book tip, we have just welcomed some new chookies after a few years of an empty coop and using commercial feed has always bothered me. I look forward to getting my hands on a copy and trying something else 🙂
Martha says
♥ i love your honesty. We all have difficulties like this…and I have a hard time being straight forward and telling people when i am offended and just bury it. I guess, if I can really forget it, that’s fine!
SO…I really want to know what the chicks are…we got 2 pullets in the fall, a Rhode Island Red (named Nutmeg) and an Ameraucana (we named her Clementine)! I love them both. They like us, too…we are feeding them “Red A” feed right now, but let them forage, too, they love the carrot tops and cilantro. I wonder where you get your organic feed… The both like yogurt, eat warm oatmeal and wheat berries with glee. Clementine is a picky eater (she won’t dig for worms as Nutmeg does), but friendlier. She also has the most beautiful blue-green eggs, as I’m sure your Ameraucana do, too, but she is not that reliable of a layer, she laid her 1st egg on Feb 29 (the leap day, a very special day because of that surprise) and laid every day for about a week, now it’s been about 4 days and no egg…is that typical? I think she may also have worms, I saw something stringy in her poop. Do you have any suggestions to check on that or remedy? Nutmeg was a steady layer from the first day she started…I hope to get 2 more (what do you think of the Mille Fleur bantams?), we can have a maximum of 4 since we live in an urban area.
Kim says
Geez, you sound a lot like me, I have a very hard time telling others they have hurt my feelings. When I have had the guts, it works out pretty much that same as your situation, they had no idea and it wasn’t meant in the way I took it.
Your chicken plan also sounds like ours, we were planning on 5 or 6, and it seems we will be getting 12 in a few weeks. It will be a ton of fun though, right?
Kathy says
It takes so much courage to tell someone that their words or actions hurt you — to do so, you’re having to reveal your own raw emotions. I think it’s an act of vulnerability to say, “I am hurting.” And then to add “because of something you did/said” amplifies that because you have another person’s perspective, feelings, and response to consider, too. But in the end, I think honesty is usually the best policy because, so often, the options are not “speak and risk ending the friendship or stay silent and remain happily friends.” It’s more like you described — stay silent and allow the friendship to slowly drift away. So good for you for sharing your feelings and mending what seemed broken.
Your chicks are so cute. We were thinking of getting chickens this year (so I always love to know what kind of chickens!) but decided to wait and try to focus on saving up to buy some more land and move to a new place within the next 2 years. But I have to say that seeing everyone’s lovely spring chicks on various blogs has made me really pine for our own flock. We had ducks for eggs for years, but they no longer lay and so we’ve been missing having our own free-range eggs. Maybe in Spring 2014!
amy@to love says
aw see, i’m the one who is always offending people without intending to. i’m not very tactful {though i try desperately}. it’s always good when people tell me what i’ve done, otherwise i’m clueless and have no idea why my friend or family is no longer speaking to me. what the heck is wrong with me? 🙂
Marlo says
Can I just say Amen to your post? Sometimes this happens to me and I wonder why we act this way as grown women. In fact, I think if I was in high school I would be more likely to tell someone they hurt my feelings, but as an adult—almost never. I also go over it all in my head and tell myself that we weren’t very close anyway….all the things you said so eloquently above. I’m so glad it worked out. What an example you are to all of us!
Taryn Kae Wilson @ Wooly Moss Roots says
I love your honesty. I’ve always been terrified to express my feelings when someone has hurt them too. I’m getting better at it, slowly. 🙂 Maybe next time around, I’ll remember what you wrote here and it will help give me courage.
Love the pictures. We always end up getting more chickens than we plan on also.
Love, Taryn
Ellen says
I think we all learn lessons along the way about ourselves and how we may have hurt others without realizing it and how easy it is to second guess others or to let things fester. Being gracious with each other is so helpful and yes, even speaking up in love with each other can truly mend a friendship. I would hope that I haven’t offended anyone (or will offend anyone) and that they’d come to me too if there were any issues. I’m glad that you had the courage to speak to your friend, and things are improved. I personally hate conflict or having to confront someone (except my hubby – why is that?) about something. It makes me very ill at ease.
The chicks are so cute! I’m sure they’re getting lots of love from the kids.
Heather says
I often find it hard to tell people my feelings. Fortunately it takes a lot to hurt my feelings. My husband is wise though and steers me in the right direction when it comes to maintaining friendships. So glad your relationship was mended. Oh and the photo of the cat lick brought back many memories.
Only In Louisiana! says
Doesn’t it feel good to get that off your chest…I love when I clear the air! It is amazing that sometimes things can be said that so hurt our feelings and the other person doesn’t even know they did it! I am glad that you have your friend back….Your chickens are precious. I always keep between 12 and 18 chickens as no matter how hard you try, you will lose a few along the way, and once you start eating fresh eggs, you can’t get enough of them! In fact, looking at that cute photo of the chicks makes me want to go get some more…I only have fourteen right now – I could use four more! 🙂 The Ameraucana chickens are my favorite!
Michelle says
Ginny, I am about to give you a laugh for the day. After I read this post I scrolled down to the next and discovered to my utter shock that stitch markers go on the needle. How brilliant. I have been knitting for some time and I always put them on the wool when knitting in the round. You taught me something new. Thank you.
Ginny says
Michelle, I would laugh except that’s so me….I am always having moments of realization like that 🙂 We all have to learn somewhere!
Lisa says
Would it be way to creepy for me to say…
I Love You man….?
Lisa
Ginny says
of course not!
swanski says
I have no problem telling my immediate family what I’m thinking, especially my husband. For me friends come and go over the many years. I enjoy them when they are in my life. I think both your girls are looking older!!
eidolons says
Oh my goodness! Kitten kisses! (:
Yes, I am a cat person (we have nine). And yes, before I’ve had my morning coffee “Kitten kisses!” is the best I can do. (:
Lisa G. says
Awww – love the cat lick!
Renee Anne says
I think Bea looks like a mini-Larkspur……..just sayin’. She’s trying to hard to emulate her older sister and she just doesn’t quite make it. So, she’s in mini-status, which is perfectly fine.
But she does look like she’s “older” if that makes any sense…
nytesong says
I think it is difficult sometimes to tell people when they’ve hurt your feelings because by doing so you risk hurting their feelings too! At least, for me, that is something I almost always think about and why I had trouble telling them so.
Other times, I’m just too mad. >=|
EITHER WAY, in both cases, this is something I’m definitely working on being able to talk about when it does happen. If someone were to tell me that I’ve hurt their feelings, I could only hope that I am as gracious about it as it sounds your friend was when you spoke to her.
I’m very glad that you’ve been able to mend your friendship with your friend.
Nadja says
With people you love, it really is necessary to come out with the “Ouch, that really hurt me.” If the friendship is a true one, that friend with be contrite and the relationship saved. I learned from my own sister that years ago, in my twenties, I had a knack for being somewhat tactless, and certain things that I thought “no big deal” were actually sensitive issues for her. I have learned to be more careful, and when there is a silence in a friendship or a break in communication, I immediately feel that I must be to blame and must have said or done something foolish and unintentional! So I have come full circle. I only hope that the friends I have are good enough friends that they will come forward with their grievances and not just allow the friendship to die.
Seth is beautiful. Bea is indeed getting big (so’s Gemma, BTW). And the poultry book is a great one.
Jacinda says
Ohh, Beatrix, what happened to you overnight? Perhaps the short skirt and boots and it’s something about her expression. I love the green in that photo; you can’t beat spring green.
Heather says
I have a different problem when it comes to friends, I don’t open myself up enough to get hurt. I have a few very close friends (sisters-in-law, high school bff) that I talk to and tell everything to, and I guess we may get on each others’ nerves, and probably have had hurt feelings in the past, but they are all family to me, so it seems different. Now, people outside of that very.small.circle. Well, I don’t let myself get too close. I think I have been too afraid of rejection due to my past, and it is easier to not get close to someone, rather than risk being hurt again.
And I love reading about your little chicks. My almost 4 year old is asking me everyday when we are going to bring her babies home. Of course I can’t tell her that I am still trying to convince her daddy!
Rach says
I ate fish and chips with one of my best friends tonight, after spending a lovely day together. Not often does one have great friends that they can share these things with…. funny thing is we are a bit like that too. I avoid conflict at all costs and find it so hard to let people know if they hurt me. Thankfully it doesn’t happen much at all these days…. or do I keep my distance? xx Rach
Maribeth says
Oh wow, she does look grown up. When did that happen? I love the pic of the kitty. You caught that at just the right moment, it’s really sweet. By the way, I’m exactly like you when someone hurts my feelings. I am so non confrontational, that the idea of telling someone they hurt my feelings really scares me. I’m glad you overcame it with this person.
little macaroon says
this made me wonder how I would react if somebody told me that I’d hurt their feelings – something that I’m sure I must have done in the past. It’s made me face up to the fact that I’d probably be really defensive and uncomfortable in that situation, not very gracious, not like your friend. something I need to think on and work on x
Nicole Spring says
That is a true friend! Your story sounds oh too familiar to me. Someone I viewed as a long lost sister for many years hurt my feelings a couple of years back. I tried to tell her how I felt and it didn’t go so well. She became very angry towards me and didn’t acknowledge how hurt I was. Like it didn’t matter. I couldn’t recover from that 🙁 Perhaps we were never as close as I thought we were. Anyways, I am so glad it all worked out for you!!