Habit: July 9
next week i am supposed to take a trip without my bea, weaning her in the process. i haven’t slept in twenty months, but i’m not sure i want to.
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And, the long version:
My first three babies weaned themselves between thirteen and seventeen months and it was all very natural and easy. There was a gradual decrease in interest and finally one day I realized they weren’t nursing anymore. Why they stopped so early, I don’t know. Beatrix on the other hand, at nearly twenty months, has never stopped nursing at the frequency that she did as a newborn. Had I only a child or two this would be easier and more feasible. Were napping an option for me this might work as well. The reality is that nursing this baby has started to feel very draining.
I do not exaggerate when I say I haven’t slept in twenty months. Some nights are better than others, but I am still up frequently with Bea and I am finally just wearing down. I haven’t been myself since Jane died and that doesn’t help my mood or my attitude. To be honest, I am just plain tired of nursing around the clock. It is exhausting and at times painful.
We joke that Beatrix has a nursing compulsion, but it’s actually not really a joke. She sees me, and instantly, “wan nuh,” she wants to nurse. She’s fine if I am away, but my presence causes her mind to go to the same place always. I make dinner with her on my hip pulling my breast out the top of my shirt like it’s putty, and nursing-ouch. Virtually everything I do, she is nursing. I love her so dearly, and I have loved nursing her, but I have started to feel some resentment, and I absolutely hate that. There needs to be some balance here, and right now there isn’t. My life revolves around my Bea, and between the physical demands and the lack of sleep, there isn’t much left of me for everyone else. Add to that the grief of the past couple of months and I am wiped out. On the other hand I have never weaned a baby. I don’t even know how. I try to distract her when she asks, and sometimes that works. I have left her for an entire day, or late into the night with Jonny and she has been fine. She is at the age where she understands that mama leaves sometimes, but always comes back. And as soon as mama returns, she wants to nurse of course! And of course I am always happy to nurse her. But then five minutes later when she asks again, and then maybe ten minutes will be gone before she starts insisting again…well it becomes a bit much.
On the other hand, I don’t want to stop nursing my baby. But for months I have been trying to find some balance in this relationship and it hasn’t worked. Beatrix co sleeps and that isn’t going to change, but it also makes weaning very difficult. I think I could get her weaned during the day if I was really motivated, but nights are just impossible. Jonny and I share a room with both she and Larkspur, and Keats and Gabe are just on the other side of a chimney. When I dare to leave the bed, even just to run to the bathroom, she screams bloody murder (she actually screams the word “come!!!” just like we call our dog-she calls me-she’s very smart this Bea, and oh so demanding.) This means everyone wakes up if I dare move from her side.
So we’ve come up with a plan, and it just might work, even though I feel a sob in my chest when I think of it. I have a close friend who needs a traveling companion for a couple of days next week. Her youngest daughter will be going, and I will bring Larkspur, who could really use some one on one time with me. We will spend two days at the beach, giving Beatrix a couple of nights sleeping with Jonny and learning that she can indeed survive the night without nursing. She doesn’t nurse to sleep anymore anyway, she actually requires a backpack ride, which Jonny is already in charge of. I have been out late a few times, and he has successfully put her to bed, so we know this can work. She has also woken in the night to my absence, and already knowing I was gone, cried, “mama bye bye” a couple of times and then snuggled up with daddy to go back to sleep. The trick is whether I am here or not. If she goes to bed while I am gone, she will accept my absence when she wakes in the night. If I am here when she goes to bed, she goes nuts when she wakes up if I am not available to nurse her. When I get back in town, I will probably pretend to leave at bedtime, and then sleep downstairs for a few nights, until I feel like I can sleep next to her without her nursing.
So, that’s the plan and because we have already experimented with my leaving for a long day or evening, it doesn’t feel quite like going “cold turkey.” This is the only way I think weaning will work, and this is the reason that I will be absent from this space for a few days beginning mid week. I believe this is the right thing to do for my family, and for myself, but it is very hard. I can’t imagine knowing the last time I nurse my baby. In the past I never knew, it just happened. Something about weaning feels like letting go of my baby, and I hate that. Say a prayer for us please?
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