Through the Fear

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One of the questions that I’ve been asked frequently over my years of blogging is, “What do you do about ticks?”  My family spends a lot of time outdoors, so I guess it’s an obvious question. My answer has always been, “We check for them everyday, and we hope for the best.”  I understand the concern about Lyme disease, but it never made sense to me to avoid the outdoors because of that risk. Maybe the hope was that I would have some secret for avoiding ticks. I am not a fan of spraying chemicals on my kids, though when I was in forestry school, we all sprayed ourselves without a thought, every time we went out in the field.

I don’t have any good method for avoiding ticks. They are abundant where we live, and we just consider them part of life. I did buy a flock of guineas just before Silas’ birthday in May this year, but as guineas do (based on what I’ve heard from others), our flock went from ten to two over the course of the past few months. But I do think they’ve helped. We’ve seen fewer ticks this summer.

Just before Mabel was born, Silas had an episode of swelling and pain in one of his knees. He told us his legs were broken. We assumed he had bumped it, fallen down while running around in the yard. After a day or two the swelling went down and he stopped complaining. We were caught up in preparing for Mabel’s birth, but I think both Jonny and I were a little troubled. Was this the first time he’d complained? Was this the first time his knee swelled? Or had this happened before?

After we brought Mabel home, Silas’ behavior turned wild and crazy, more so than his typical five year old self. We blamed it on the new baby and hoped he would eventually chill out. Then, in early September, he had another episode of swelling in his knee. This time, I called our pediatrician and made an appointment for the same day. I knew that this wasn’t normal. Examining his warm, swollen knee, she was concerned that he might have rheumatoid arthritis. She ordered labs testing to rule out leukemia, arthritis, and lyme disease. “I see a lot of Lyme this time of year,” she said.

Preliminary results ruled out the scariest scenarios, though his blood work indicated that he was fighting a parasite, or maybe allergies. “Let’s wait on the Lyme results, and go from there,” she told me. The following day, she called with his positive test for Lyme disease. I felt terrible for not having had him tested sooner, for dismissing his swollen knee as the probable result of a bump. My doctor reassured me, “This is better than the other possibilities we were testing for. I can treat this.”

We started him on a month long course of antibiotics, and almost immediately, his behavior became worse. That month was incredibly difficult with Silas, my thoughtful artistic child, wild and explosive, screaming erratically and bouncing off the walls. (And of course Job copies his every move.) We blamed the red dye in the medicine, the die-off of all his body’s good bacteria. I blamed myself. I know the signs of Lyme, why did it not occur to me to have him tested the first time his knee swelled?

We are about two weeks post treatment now, and I think Silas is calming down. I am working to rebuild his gut with healthful food and supplements, and trying not to be haunted by the countless Lyme horror stories out there. (Yes, I have googled, and googled, and read, and read.) We’ve eliminated family ice cream nights, and sugary desserts in general. I’m thankful that I can buy fermented pickles at the grocery store, one of the few fermented foods that Silas will eat. I made a big batch of my favorite fermented food, cranberry relish. It’s really good for you! We eat it in plain whole milk yogurt, and also use it to make cranberry granola.  I pulled my copy of Fermented Vegetables off the shelf and made sauerkraut, though we haven’t tasted it yet. A friend recommended chlorella in smoothies, so we’re doing that every day. Greens, goat milk, bananas, berries, pineapples, sometimes cranberry relish, and always the chlorella (can’t even taste it.) The same friend recommended rose geranium oil to repel ticks, so we’re going to try that as well.

At the end of the day, I can’t change the past, but I can do my best moving forward to help Silas heal.

I’m still working to make peace with nature. It hasn’t been easy for me, the girl nicknamed Nature Girl, no less, in her childhood. Ever since my dear friend Sarah was attacked by yellow jackets on a nature walk with her kids, resulting ultimately in her death, I’ve been battling fear, even two years later. It lurks deep inside me, surfacing when I least expect it. About a month after Mabel was born, I ventured out into our backyard with her, just wanting to get outside, to walk around a bit in the fresh air. About a hundred yards away from the house, I started to feel nervous. I had the thought, “What am I doing out here with a baby? How reckless to have her out here like this!” I turned to walk quickly back to the house, to get her to safety. It took me a few minutes to recognize that my thoughts weren’t rational, but based in fear, in past trauma. So yeah, I’ve still got work to do, but I’m battling it, and I’m beating it.

Every day, I’m more myself, and so is Silas. These things can’t be forced, but I pray that his body heals faster than my heart and mind have.

p.s. I realized I’d written a post all about Silas, without a single photo of him in it! Mabel is much better at sitting still for photos. Here are a few from the other day when he made a big mess pokeberry dye on the milking stand, (Gabe’s dirt bike project in the background.)


Sharing Mabel


(Beatrix had refused to wash the “beautiful butterfly” off of her face the night before…)

We were at a party with friends over the weekend when my friend, Eve, mentioned that Mabel looked cold.  (She had a bit of bare leg showing between her pants and her socks and Eve is a member of The Cold Baby Police.)  I quickly remedied the situation by adding a pair of wool pants under her outfit along with a hat and sweater.  I’m so happy to be able to start pulling out all the woollies (details on all at the end of the post)!

The party was a welcome distraction for us because we learned on Friday that our dear Ms. Nell had died, suddenly and unexpectedly.  I kept the information to myself until Saturday, needing to process it on my own before telling the girls.  I can’t tell you how much I dreaded that conversation with them.  It’s really, really hard to tell your children that someone they love has died, and it seems that I have had to do it too many times.  The last time we visited Ms. Nell it was with a new baby for her to meet (Mabel!) and bouquets of flowers from all my younger children.  I’m so thankful that we ended on that note, her knowing she was loved by us.  Reminding my girls of that didn’t do much to ease their grief, though.  Beatrix spent time wandering the backyard after I told her, crying and periodically looking up to the sky, mouthing words that only she could hear.  She wanted to be alone with her sadness, and it broke my heart.  Larkspur keeps saying that she can’t believe we can’t visit her anymore, and I agree.  Death never becomes commonplace or easy to accept.  But I’m grateful for the relationships we have in our community, the friends who are our family.  The more people you love, the more you open yourself up to hurt, but the love always outweighs the grief.


(Ms. Nell with baby Silas)

I stopped at our farmer’s market on Friday, shortly after learning of Ms. Nell’s death.  An older woman who works there, who hadn’t yet met Mabel, immediately asked if she could hold her when I got out of the van.  I happily handed her over, and, oh my goodness, I’ve never seen someone love on a baby that doesn’t belong to them so completely and unabashedly.  She would lift Mabel into the air and Mabel would look down at her, smiling big.  Then she would pull her down into her chest, hug her tight, and smother her in kisses.  Mabel loved every second of it.  The woman, whose name I can’t believe I’ve never asked for, told me, “We never had children.  By the time we thought we could afford them, it was too late.  I always thought if I had a baby of my own, I’d kiss it to death.”  She didn’t seem bitter or sad though, just more than happy to love on Mabel, and I was grateful to be able to share her, if only for a few minutes.


When I got home that evening, I had an email from my mom with the subject line, “Beautiful you,” waiting for me in my inbox.  She found this photo of the two of us from 1979 in an album at her sister’s, (my Aunt Genie’s), house.  She had never seen it before, and neither had I.  I don’t know why, but I dissolved into tears seeing it, and I wasn’t even sure if I was happy or sad.  Maybe it was just another expression of the passing of time, but more than that I think it was a reminder of love and life.  So many things to ponder lately…the joy that babies bring, the sadness over the death of a beloved elderly friend.  All the life that happens in between, both the good and the painful.  We soldier on, thankful for every minute.


p.s. Knits:  Mabel’s hat was knit by Tania, and her Ravelry notes are here.  My notes on her yellow sweater are hereKaren’s notes on her pink and white sweater are here.  My yellow barn sweater notes are here.  Not a knit, but Mabel’s bib was purchased here.