Easy Now

small things-1-13

I am waiting for my insides to catch up with my outsides.  I guess that’s a funny way to start a blog post!  There’s just always so much going on and I am trying to learn how to live this particular season without feeling stressed by the weight of the neverending to-dos.  How often to I mention this?  Do I sound like a broken record yet?  By nature, I really love the feeling of completion or accomplishment when something is “done.”  These days, I typically go the whole day without stopping and still don’t have a feeling of “finished!” at the end of the day.  I have to tell myself, “Ginny, just quit.  One has to sleep.”  Or, ahem.  “One has to knit.”  And I leave those three baskets of laundry, or whatever it is.

This isn’t a situation of needing to make my children do more chores.  They have more chores.  This isn’t about anything in particular.  There isn’t an answer because the problem is all in my head.  This is simply, big family life with a lot going on.  I am meant to adapt, and not let just living stress me out. I think the answer lies in focusing on just the next thing, and doing that next thing joyfully, leaving all the rest for later.  If I let my mind start racing with all that needs to be done, I kind of lose it internally sometimes.  These are the times when my very perceptive oldest child asks me, “Mommy, are you stressed out?”  High pitched, “No?”  But yes, lots of times I am.  I want to get it all done, and do it well.  But that is no longer possible, the getting it all done.  So I have to switch gears.  I have to change my list.  I have to breathe slowly and drink tea whose name tricks me into thinking that all will be fine as long as I am sipping it.  I have to remember to pray and ask for help.  All these things though, they require for me to slow down for a second and really pay attention.  Yes, I have to make my outsides slow down.  Since when did homeschooling and housework become an emergency?  My first job is to love.  Anything that is stopping me from doing that can’t possibly be very important.

p.s.  Ever been sitting at your desk at the end of the day and turned around to see your child holding a giant hornets’ nest?  Even empty, it’s a little unsettling!

You never know

(Trudy photobomb)

(I found this little list today, made earlier this summer.  Friends to knit for.  Dear Bonnie, Sarah won’t be forgotten.  There are reminders of her everywhere.  I continue to think of her everyday.)

This morning, as I stood at the stove cooking eggs with Silas (the “helper”), Gabe and the girls worked to do a combination of making paper snowflakes and boats made from wood scraps.  It was all so sweet, and messy.

But, the day ended up being one of those that had me on the verge of tears more than once.  I barely squeezed some lunch in around 3:30 p.m.  I kept thinking to myself with maybe a touch of self-pity, “The mom has to at least sleep and eat sometimes!”  Poor, poor me.  My youngest three are at the end of an illness, and they are just super needy and emotional right now.  It will pass, but today–I just gave myself one little goal:  Use a quiet and kind voice, no matter what.  And I did it.  I think that quiet, sometimes grave voice actually frightens my oldest son!  I’m going to master it.

What’s funny is that I put up that slightly humorous blog post (given my day to day reality), totally expecting people to tell me how to improve my blog and make it more “helpful.”  Haaaaaaa!  I am out of my mind.  I’m not sure exactly what caused me to believe that I need to start blogging in a different way somehow than I have for all these years, or that I am in a position to do so.  I guess I’ve been suffering from some dissatisfaction.  I need to learn to go with the flow, and accept the whole concept of “seasons.”  And I’m not talking about falling leaves.

Thanks for reigning me in, and reminding me that it’s okay to just be me.  I escaped to my computer here and there throughout the day and read all of your really sweet comments, and they were the happiest part of the day (and probably helped me use my nice voice.)

I have never been able to achieve anything here that isn’t pretty much in the moment, part of our real life.  I’ve read that successful bloggers schedule their posts weeks in advance even.  I type them up in the moments before I hit publish.  And who am I kidding about being more focused?  There can’t be too narrow of a focus here, because that wouldn’t be representative of my life.  The truth is that I’m not super focused on anything but my faith and family.  And my family pulls my attention in dozens of different directions every day.  And with that, I guess you just never know what I’ll end up blogging about next.  (Okay, it’ll probably be knitting.  But still.  Things could always get a little crazy here.  You never know!)

p.s.  The baby sweater is Wee Liesl.  It just needs buttons and it’s finished!