This morning found my oldest son in a state of frantic searching, followed by angry words. His words were directed at me. I was amused that he labeled me “horrid.” But my amusement quickly turned to remorse when his tears started to roll.
Keeping a small home (less than 1500 square feet) neat and manageable is no small task when eight people, six of them growing every day, reside within it’s walls. People who visit may comment that it doesn’t seem like that many people live here (depending on the timing of their visit,) but that is because I keep a tight rein on everyone’s belongings, including my own. Well, there’s also the fact that I very openly clean for company to the best of my ability, so only the closest of friends have seen my house at it’s messy worst. And believe me, it gets messy (thank you Larkspur and Beatrix for helping me keep it real.)
Most of my children are not terribly attached to many particular belongings, and those that they are, I do my best to respect and help them keep those items to a small and manageable number. The key is to prevent stuff from ever coming through the front door to begin with. When it comes to things, I say no quite often. My extended family knows our living situation, and they are all wonderfully respectful of my wishes to only give very meaningful or needed gifts.
But, what about the take out food containers of shells and rocks from the beach? What about the bits of rusty metal dug up in the yard, the bottle caps, the old bottles, the giant collection of pinch pots made at pottery class? I have one son who clings to every item. Seth shares a 9 by 9 foot bedroom with Gabriel. In the room there is a set of bunkbeds, an armoire (there is no closet) and a bookcase. Under the bed each has one storage container to keep their prized possessions in. Gabriel does well limiting himself to that box. Seth has exceeded his limit with his endless collections and they are taking over that tiny space. About a month ago, while Jonny and the kids were at a Cub Scout function, I entered the boys’ cave as I call it, and was horrified at the mess and the dirt. There was literally dirt on the floor. I couldn’t help myself, and I started cleaning for the sake of simple hygiene. I zeroed in on a cardboard box that had been sitting in the floor full of random items for months, untouched. There is so little floor space in that room, and in order to clean the floor, I had to get the stuff out of the way. Digging through the contents of the box, I determined that the rocks, shells, bowls from the pottery class from four years ago, etc, etc, weren’t needed. I honestly don’t even remember what I did with them. In my mind they were just sitting there taking up space and contributing to the mess. This morning, Seth recalled some of the items that had been in that box, and started asking questions. “Where are my shells? What did you do with my stuff?” He clearly doesn’t live by the “rule” that states that if you haven’t looked at, used, or needed an item in the past three months or more, then you can probably part with it.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am not a control freak. I am not a tyrant. I do respect my children. But, I find myself at a loss for how to give them a healthy relationship with things. Clearly, getting rid of stuff when their backs are turned isn’t the answer (although with younger children, sometimes it is. My technique in that department is to put the items in question in a box in the attic for awhile before getting rid of it for good. That way, if the item is missed too much it can be retrieved.)
I am easily distracted. Very easily distracted. I took medication for this in college for one semester. However, my level of productivity during those months felt unnatural, so I gave up the meds. But when I say I get distracted, I mean that if I am cooking dinner and my hair is touching my face too much, I can’t focus on the recipe. If the kitchen is a wreck, I have to clean it before I start cooking. If I need to give math lessons, but the room is littered with this and that, my mind keeps going to the this and that. It’s not about control, it’s about distraction. On many levels I have gotten better at handling this problem of mine, one technique being to cut back on stuff, to prevent it from taking over the house to begin with. My other technique is to simply talk to myself. As if I wasn’t crazy enough to begin with. I find it effective to tell myself things along the lines of, “That mess can wait, stay focused on this lesson with Keats right now.” This is mental exercise for me, and it’s good. I have a houseful of children, so clearly God wants me to learn to manage this little distraction issue of mine. It’s sink or swim. Or is there middle ground? Can I just doggie paddle?
The bottom line is that I have to stay on top of stuff and clutter, I have to. But, it is essential to do this with respect. I do want my children to have a healthy respect for the belongings of others, and it is so very important that I model this behavior. Honestly, looking back on the past few years, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I nearly always involve my kids in the purging and we discuss the reasons why we can’t hang on to everything. They get to feel like they are in control of the process. I don’t think I will mess up again and clean an older child’s room (my ruthless version of cleaning) without their presence. I made a mistake. I am sorry. I do hope that at the heart of it all that my children will grow up valuing relationships over stuff. Because ultimately that is my goal. I want my time and my attention focused on relationships, not the messes of stuff.
Feel free to share your experiences in this department. I know I am not the only one who struggles with the taming of the stuff monster.
Susie says
Oh I feel like I just found a kindred spirit! I, too, suffer from the distraction disorder. I am very good at limiting what I bring into our home but my much-loved extended family think I am a looney and furnish my children with all sorts of stuff. Its very tiring…
Glad I’m not alone!
Susie
paula says
My oldest is like that…hates to part with stuff & continues to get more! I don’t have an answer. Her room is a continual mess! We’ve tried armoires, storage devices, she doesn’t want them! And she’s 19! That’s his personality. the only suggestion is to have him put it in a box outside of his room…I buy those plastic boxes & keep it somewhere like the basement or somewhere not in his room.
occasionally my mels will accuse me of getting rid of a too short skirt. Honestly…at this point I don’t get rid of her stuff at all! She got that…but still can’t find that skirt! (maybe she good willed it?)
Sara says
I can relate. My oldest (almost 10) loves to keep everything. I’ve found gum wrappers that she wanted to keep. I’ve also made the same mistake of throwing things away that were special to her (or her brothers). I can’t stand clutter–the problem is my oldest loves stuff, her grandpa loves stuff & loves to pass stuff on to her. She also collects bags, purses, etc. that she fills w/stuff. I’ve tried to give each child a container for special things, but hers ends up full so she puts stuff in other places. Sometimes we’ve been able to purge w/out fussing & other times not. My 5 year old is very distressed when things are tossed, which is why he’s not allowed to help take out the garbage. Anyway…thanks for sharing your thoughts. Seems like a lot of people are struggling with this same thing.
Meg says
Ginny,
Your post is so inspiring to me! Your house seems like a beautiful place and the love and creativity shines through on your blog. I have 7 children from 1 1/2 to 20 years of age in a rather small house and I just wish I had taught the older ones more about managing their stuff and keeping only the important things instead. Thanks for your wisdom, it really gives me something to aspire to!
Joy says
I admit that I occasionally battle the “stuff” in my kids rooms too. We don’t buy very many toys, although we have tons of crafting supplies and “kits” so that sometimes takes over the house. I’ll purge one of the kids’ rooms without their presence on the rare occasion, because they don’t seem to notice what’s missing, but I do think it’s important to involve them as much as possible. No one is going to walk into their college dorm and whisk away their junk so they need to know when to let go! It’s definitely a process, and one I don’t always enjoy, especially when it comes to my pack rat child. 🙂
ericaceae says
We are a family of 7 living in a 900 square foot house. It’s not something I recommend- especially for a bunch of crafty, homeschooling, bibliophiles like us!
None of the kids are quite old enough to know when junk is junk, so things do just disappear around here. Sometimes it’s into a “maybe” pile, and sometimes it’s just gone. I really think it’s the only way to control the mess at this point, and we all appreciate having a cleaner work/living space more than having the (surprisingly few!) objects that are missed.
It sound almost cruel when I write it, but my goodness can 5 kids collect a lot of stuff!
Meryl says
What an honest post. My little one is too young right now to really be attached to “stuff”. I struggle with sort of the opposite problem–the stuff people want to constantly give him. I have to keep repeating the mantra, “People are more important than things. People are more important than things.” And just let it go…but boy is it harder than I thought it would be!
Maria says
Hi Ginny 🙂
I started a rule when our oldest dd was a baby, it was about stuffed animals – one in, one out…;-)
It worked great when she was little – I have had a harder time later on, LOL.
I also read about this decluttering guideline “if you havn’t looked at, used….etc for x amount of time” out it goes – and I we sort of live by that as well.
I am quite insisting about things going out every once in a while. For a moment, when my oldest dd was smaller, I tried the “toss it while she doesn’t see it” option – it works somewhat. I’d say that when we really know our kids well, we just KNOW that some item, well they honestly will not even notice are gone. What kind of things those are will vary from child to child, but those things of which I am sure, I still periodically just collect in a big bag 🙂
For the rest, I do like you – try to be very communicative about WHY I don’t want so much “stuff”, why we buy used instead of new, why I don’t want the cheap plastic crap from China ect etc etc. And obviously, walk my talk!!!
Every once in a while, I go through the whole house – parent stuff included! -, and fill bags or boxes for Goodwill. I do this openly, and mostly people sometimes complain, but if I don’t hear a convincing reason for not letting it go, it goes – and they learn to be ok with that 😉
I also periodically ask them to go over their stuff and see if anything can be trashed or donated – I ask them to be honest about what they really use or need. This is an ongoing exercise, but as a whole, I think they are catching on real good to the idea of gathering treasures in heaven, rather than here on planet-already-surcharged-Earth!
We live in a small house too, but I would do this anyway. It’s not just about space.
Where I am not as lucky as you is with family. Ours are NOT very respecting of those values and it’s a continual struggle to balance gift-giving. I’ve tried a million times to get grand parents to offer subscriptions, zoo-tickets or the like instead of THINGS but it just does not get through….sigh.
cheers from a reader and fellow stuff-combatant….in Europe
Kathleen says
I loved this post. I can very much relate to keeping down the clutter in a small house. I live in a Little Blue House with seven sometimes eight people. I get so distracted by the mess and I CANNOT cook in a cluttered kitchen, so dinner is sometimes quite late in the evening!
Esther says
I think you are doing a marvelous job Mama! We too have a small home that we rent as we are a military family. We too also have collectors. And not just children! I like the idea of special boxes. We are currently restricting our four to only playing in the main part of the house because the 3 year old was wreaking havoc on the accumulations in the basement! So that is my project this year before the next move(which may be an overseas and in that case there will be only necessities moved and other necessities stored and the rest edited!) won’t be nearly as painful as the last. I loved Simplicity Parenting! I think it’s good to remind oneself this is just part of the maintenance of a home. Respecting other’s things and reminding oneself to have balance is key! Pray through your home as you edit, that the Lord Himself would fill the spaces. Peace be with you!
Carly says
Oh Ginny, I thought it was just me that was constantly distracted by things like this! Thank you for sharing and making me feel a bit better about the constant tidying and clearing and editing. I agree, it’s hard, but possible, to manage everyone’s needs in a small house, with respect, but it does take some doing 🙂 Sounds like you do a stirling job.
Ramona says
I know that. Same situations, same games. My daughter is very attached to every item in her possession. And a collector of evertything as well. She can’t bear to throw things away. It goes that far, that she even retrieves things from the waste bin of her friends house. Her room regulary starts to clutter which stresses herself, but she can’t manage to keep it clean. So every once in a while we have a cleaning session together. Sometimes I ask her if it’s ok to tidy a bit when she’s not there. I put things in boxes and out of sight. Clutter goes to the wastebin, Shells & Stones outside, so she can see them there. It really is a balance act. Lot’s to learn for us and them.
Pina says
When I started reading your post I thought: How would you feel if your son threw away something that you were attached to?
I keep many things, shells and rocks too, that remind me of some event in the past. When I take them into my hands I remember those, usually happy days and moments. I would never remember them if someone threw them away. They are my treasures, they feed my soul.
I am glad that you you realized how to deal with this problem next time. As you wrote: we should respect the belongings of others. Because with this we show that we respect them too.
rachel says
Thank you for sharing your heart on this, Ginny! That is very much the battle we fight here. I get so overwhelmed with mess that I have a hard time focusing on the task at hand (usually I’m most distracted during our school time). When a house is blessed to be so full it is a lot of work to stay ahead of the mess and clutter. We’ve been encountering it even more since our house has been on the market.
Three of my daughters share a room and the collections can get out of hand. My oldest has found space for herself by squeezing her clothes into two drawers while using the third for her precious things. Her treasures (from junk mail to recycling) have started to take over her bunk though. We do a special box for each of the other kids (apart from babe) and it is interesting to see how they differ in terms of how much they hold on to. Thankfully at least two of the six don’t seem attached to things.
We do regular purges, choose some art work to hold on to and some to recycle, we try our darndest to limit what comes in (and remind the grandparents rather unsuccessfully). Every year we get a little wiser. The big thing my husband reminds me (because I can start feeling very guilty when giving away or tossing things) is that if we need this, that or the other thing, God will provide it when we do. And of course He does and has.
I’m not offering any great suggestions but I sure do empathize. Thank you for giving a voice to how I so often feel.
Much love to you and your family!
R
Wendy says
Oh my. I have been struggling with this so much lately and I really appreciate your post. I have been working on purging our home of stuff for over a year now, and I can finally say that I think I’ve honestly made the first big debt. With a new baby arriving in April, I have been on a rampage to get our youngest’s room ready to share with his new baby brother (I’ve been trying to get it in order since before HE was born). I make regular trips to Goodwill to drop off donations and am trying hard to attack the problem from the aspect of limiting the stuff the comes into the house as well–no point in getting rid of two things, but bringing in 5. How wonderful that you have a supportive extended family that understands your space limits and respects your wishes with regards to gift giving.
Over the weekend I made a final sort through of books and toys in my youngest son’s bedroom, trying to adhere to the guidelines outlined in Simplicity Parenting. I tried this once before and met with mixed results. Toys and books that are going to be rotated in and out are now stored in the garage in tubs, instead of in his closet which will make things a little easier. As I did the first time I tried this, I’m struggling with holding him to a limited number of books (which he LOVES)–I got the impression from Simplicity Parenting that he would not even miss things that are gone but that has NOT been the case (both with toys, but especially with books). I limited him to about 10 personal books and 10 books from the library, which is much more than I’ve seen recommended in several places, but I have to go with something that’s comfortable for him, too. I know you’re big readers in your house, so I’m curious how you deal with book clutter. I simply had to pare down the number of books he has out for my own sanity–at the end of every day I was picking books up from almost every area of the house; now he has a shelf upstairs in his room and a basket downstairs in the living room.
I “broke the rules” and let him help me choose the toys and books he wanted to have out, and he had to stick to certain guidelines. Maybe that’s too much pressure/choice for a three year old–in some respects it was helpful: I wasn’t choosing what I thought he would like/what I wanted him to have out, but he is also very aware of what’s out in the tubs in the garage, and only two days in has started pestering me to get things out that he is missing. I’m hanging tough, though, and I’m pleased that today he found things to occupy himself without having a meltdown when I declined his requests to pull out toys that are put away right now. My plan for the present is to let him help me switch things out once a week (again, this is much more frequently than what I’ve seen recommended, but I’m hoping it will help him adjust better and I can extend the swap period out over time).
Phew! I guess I needed to purge some of my thoughts 🙂
As parents, we teach our children to learn from their mistakes–it sounds like you are exemplifying that to your kids as you learn from the mistake you mentioned above; so don’t be too hard on yourself–kids know we’re not perfect!