Wow, I don’t know where to start and I need to be quick. Bad combination. I’ll just cut to it then. My dad and his new wife will be visiting us for the next couple of days. We met her about a year ago, but only briefly. This will be our first time spending time with her since the wedding. We didn’t attend because they got married in South Carolina (where she is from) a couple days before Silas was born.
The past few days I’ve been crying off and on for no reason. But really there is a reason. And it’s all very confusing and emotional. I am thrilled that my dad remarried, truly. His new wife seems wonderful. But I’m used to him being married to my stepmom. They were married from the time I was a very small child. She was a parent and later a friend to me for 28 years. I don’t see my dad on a regular basis because he lives in New Mexico. It still feels like yesterday that I got that awful late night phone call from him, letting me know that Jane had been killed in a car accident.
The last time my dad visited, he was with Jane. Jonny was preparing to leave for Liberia. It was a terrifying and exciting time. The last time I saw Jane, it was about a year later and we were at Disneyworld together. And then three months later, she was gone.
So tomorrow, that will be the next step in this process. The loss of a parent, and the embrace of someone new. I know I can do it. It’s the thinking and preparing that is hard. I am afraid that I might cry in front of them. I don’t want to. I don’t want her to feel badly, because I am so grateful she is in my dad’s life now. There’s something very difficult though about her presence being linked to Jane’s absence. It’s not something I think, but that I must feel deep down, and feelings don’t like to be controlled. Obviously people aren’t replaced, but new relationships are created, and I choose to be thankful for this woman who made my dad smile again. I think she must be very brave.
But I miss Jane every day. And I know that tomorrow morning when I see my dad, it’s going to hurt. But I am a big girl and I’ll be okay. And right now, I better run because I’ve still got another bathroom to clean. First impressions….
Oh-but first, I have to tell you a couple of other things. I’ve been working on a birthday dress for Beatrix when I should have been cleaning. That is very, very typical of me. Under pressure I tend to crack up and do the exact opposite of what I am supposed to be doing. This dress may end up being super cute. But it may end up being really bad. It’s still too early to tell. I’ll show you later this week, even if it turns out badly. I also cast on another knitting project, and not the one I was supposed to. Another symptom of stress. I’ll show you that on Wednesday.
And finally: Tonight we went out for pizza after Mass to preserve the state of our kitchen. As the waitress laid the pizzas on the table, Larkspur turned to me in a panic and exclaimed, “But Mommy! I’m wearing handknits!” (she had on her cap sleeved sweater beneath her raspberry cardigan.) Jonny died laughing, because really, whose five year old talks like that?
Oh, and the top photo, that’s outside my bedroom window, and what I see when I sit on my bed nursing Silas and knitting. I am trying to love this view as much as I can, because those leaves will be gone in a few more days. I am so emotional, that knowing those leaves won’t last in and of itself makes me cry. But then I remind myself of what we all know to be true. Out of death springs new life. We’ve got to hang on to the truth of that, don’t we?
p.s. I joined Twitter. I don’t really know what to do with it, but I am going to try because it seems sort of fun. You can follow me through the link over there in my sidebar.