Archives for August 2, 2011

(Un)eventful

Some days go by so quickly that the time for dinner arrives and it doesn’t feel like anything has happened yet, save some diaper changes and dirty dishes.
I wonder if I always carried my camera, snapping pictures throughout the day (what? you thought that I already do that?  No way-it’s too heavy) if I would realize that most days are remarkably eventful.
So many little things make up each and every day.  I try to pay attention and enjoy whatever it is that I am doing.  Today I cleaned out the pantry, throwing a good many stinky rotting items into the compost.  How does that happen?  I was left with only a few slightly shriveled tomatoes and some garlic.

So, I put on my shoes…
(Silas is in the sling on my front, hence the fuzziness)

…and so did Beatrix, and we headed out to the garden.

On the way there we met Seth, who along with his brothers was shooting his newly made bow and arrows.

We peeked at the jubilee watermelon, and debated picking an orangeglo, but ended up mostly wandering around while Jonny picked tomatoes.

Jonny is also raising beautiful columns from the rubble on our front porch.  Someday this project might get finished…

Later, I pulled together some supplies for an evening sewing project.

Larkspur and Beatrix raided the boys’ “store” and stole all of their bottle cap money.  The boys decided they don’t want to play that game anymore anyway.

I started reading Black Beauty aloud to my older kids and remembered why it’s been awhile since I read a chapter book to them.  (Her name is Beatrix.)  We did manage two chapters.  My, this book has a rather brutal beginning!

Laundry loads were moved, (Not folded–of course they weren’t folded, silly.  Who folds their laundry?  Well, my boys do, they are required to because they actually have time to. Folding mine isn’t high on the priority list.  I wait until I start to worry that I will have to rewash because the girls have dug through it so many times searching for “unnies” and in the process have repeatedly spread it all over the floor.)  
An evening storm threatened to rob us of power just as our dinner was beginning to sizzle on the stove.

As the storm blew in, my kids raced around the yard trying to catch the leaves that were being blown from our black walnut trees.
The chickens were unconcerned, only taking cover after the rain began to fall.

Trudy watched all the running around from inside.  It’s always a photograph that reminds me that the glass needs cleaning again.

I am so grateful for all the rain that we got this evening.  The garden was needing some water and I really didn’t want to get involved.

The dime sized hail was pretty cool too.  Summer thunderstorms are the best way to end the day.
p.s.  I really appreciate all of your comments on yesterday’s post regarding my anxiety issues.  Some of you asked that I talk more about what I do to deal with it.  To be honest, every single time I use this space to write about myself (rather than just my kids) I feel really super uncomfortable and a little embarrassed and swear I will never do it again.  Posting photos of myself here and there is hard enough (which, by the way, always leads to the question of how old I am,which I have no problem with, I’m 33…and a half.) 
I am not a huge fan of letting my crazy hang out, but on the other hand, I find it difficult never to mention my feelings here, so I do.  I promise that if you met me in person you would realize that I am a sort of boring laid back person who happens to have a lot of yarn and books (oh, and children.)  I think my “real life” friends would vouch for me.
So I will sum up quickly (yeah right-quickly is not my strong area), just to make my own issues clear and what I do to help myself, which may or may not help those of you who suffer from anxiety.  At the very least, you’ll know you aren’t alone.
First, I am not type A.  If I were, I would be on time at least 10% of the time, and my shoes would match, and I would never realize that my shirt was on backwards while shopping in a nice clothing store.  
I realize that on paper I probably come across a bit type A.  I think I am closest to being a C.  Honestly, I don’t think you can put a human being’s personality type on paper and categorize it (although I get that many people fall most strongly into one of those categories etc.), but anyway…what I am is hyper.  The acronym that I was given in college by a therapist was ADHD.  When it comes to my anxiety, it’s not quite so cut and dry as “I had a baby and now life feels a bit upside down and my house is a mess” (not that I don’t think that is TOTALLY a valid reason to lose it!)  But, a big transition, in addition to the physical side of things (less sleep, breastfeeding, etc.) does have a tendency to bring my issues to the surface.  Quite probably, so do imbalances in my system such as b vitamin deficiencies etc. 
Anxiety is something that I have lived with for as long as I can remember.  I had a very anxiety provoking childhood characterized by abuse.  When I was in the third grade, I pulled out all of my eyelashes.  (It was that bad.)  When I was in the fifth grade I evidently told my teacher that I wanted to die (even worse.)  She told my mom, and my mom made the decision to leave her abusive husband of eight years (my stepdad–NOT the one who helped me make my video yesterday–he’s THE BEST!)  I have been out of that nasty situation for over twenty years, but the scars linger.  I don’t do a lot of worrying about this or that per say, but I carry with me this undercurrent of angst, that sometimes bubbles up the surface.  I don’t really know how else to describe it.  I won’t say that I completely understand it all. Looking back over this blog and what I have written here and there over the past few years, I realize that I am still learning to better understand myself.  
One of the biggest helps to me was spending time with a good therapist, and learning to better understand myself and the twofold reason that I suffer from anxiety:  genetics and my early childhood environment.  Just understanding myself a little better made things much easier. 
I will say that taking a b complex has really helped me over the years (and I was actually reminded of this by one of your comments-I need to start taking them again.)  I also take a magnesium supplement off and on (Natural Vitality – Natural Calm.)  These things aren’t always necessary for me, but what I am learning is that when my body is working extra hard, I probably need to be supplementing.
Other than that, it’s just a manner of paying attention to the way I feel and trying to add things to my week that I know are good for me.  This is going to look different for everyone, but my list includes:  prayer, knitting, spending a lot of time outdoors, sewing or some sort of crafting with my kids, and also making sure that while I don’t obsess over the state of my house (What’s the point?  I am totally outnumbered by messy people.) periodically as a family, we spend a day getting everything in order.  Sometimes it’s best to pack up the van and head to our favorite national park for the day.  But, it also feels good to tackle, say, that messy cabinet that explodes every time I open it.  The mess itself may not be stressing me out, but getting it clean and organized can help treat anxiety that was threatening to pop to the surface.  I think that those sort of things help because I am “controlling” something that was chaotic.  As a child, my life was chaotic, unpredictable and scary, and I had no control. It makes sense to me…
I hope some of this makes sense to you.  
The bottom line is that like most (all?) people, I’ve got my issues.  But by the Grace of God (and boy do I mean that!), I am mostly doing just fine, if not better.  Sometimes we just have to stop and remind ourselves that everything is going to be allright.  
Oh, and a commenter just reminded me, I highly recommend Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts .
Such an important read for anyone suffering from anxiety!
  
Now, pretend you didn’t read this, and that my post today ended just before the p.s.  I’m going to go do a bit of knitting and try not to think about it….