Archives for February 22, 2011

Grabbing Hold

 My intention yesterday was to simply post here that I was planning to spend the next week hiding under a rock, so to speak.  All weekend I fought the urge to let myself sink.  I told Jonny, “It’s here-I should have expected it.”  He just smiled at me with understanding.  He knows the pattern maybe better than I do.  I am a happy person. I am a grateful person, and then this stranger takes hold of me.  The temperature starts to shift, and it never fails to send me on a downward spiral, no matter how much I love the season that is coming.  It’s kind of funny in that I am always surprised when it hits, despite the fact that I think I write at least two posts like this each year.

Saturday morning the boys had an early soccer game, and my plan upon arriving back home was to get in bed and stay there.  Granted, I was tired.  I am very tired lately, but I don’t think it was my weariness telling me to go to bed. 
Moments later, the phone rings.  It’s my friend Eve calling to ask a very small favor.  Too small, given that she is at the hospital with her infant son who has been admitted (and her husband is out of town.)  I want to stay in bed, but I ask anyway, “Can I do anything else?  Can I bring you anything?”  See, I know, I know, that staying in bed is not the right choice right now.  And here, this friend is reaching her hand out to me, and she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

I pull myself out of the bed and head out to gather what Eve needs to see her through the next twenty four hours.  At the hospital, we spend an hour or so talking before I go home, feeling a bit more myself.
The next day, Jos’s fever is still high; although it is clear he’s going to be all right.  Eve could use some more clothes as it looks like she’ll be spending another night.  I have lots I need to do this day, but truly don’t want to do any of it.  I’m wanting to hide again. It’s easy to put off my own tasks, push them off until tomorrow.  But, I can’t skip out on helping my friend, and I do need to get myself and my family to Mass.  So I start ironing pants and shirts, and then I head upstairs to get myself dressed.  I remember that I don’t really have anything decent looking to wear.  I dig through the pile of maternity clothing left over from my big purge after Beatrix.  I try something on and look in the mirror.  The ugly thought that crosses my mind is “I look grotesque.”  How can it be that I have thirteen weeks to go?  There is no article of clothing that will make me look nice.  I fight tears.  I don’t want to go to Mass looking like this.  But, I remember the commitment to my friend, pull on the one pair of nice looking pants I have that sort of fits, hang a long scarf around my neck to hide what I have just convinced myself is ugly, and we head out the door.

Outside the hospital we stop at a pharmacy so I can run in and grab a couple of magazines for Eve.  Just being out, and on a mission, I am feeling better.  The woman ringing me up asks, “Are you due soon?” 
I am able to look at her, smile, and say, “Actually no, not really.  I am due mid to late May.” 
She smiles kindly, and I don’t remember her words, but I am okay.  I’ve had enough babies now to know that they are worth every mark, every inch of hanging skin, every ache, and every question about “just how many babies are in there?”
Jonny pulls up to the hospital entrance to let me out and circles outside while I run up to Eve’s room.  A mutual friend is there visiting as well and it is so good to see her too, to say a quick hello to both of them before dashing back down so we can make it to Mass on time.
I get an email from Eve today letting me know that she and baby Jos were able to go home this morning.  She comments that I am a nice friend to have around when stuck in the hospital.
She doesn’t realize that by letting me help her just a bit, she helped me even more so. 
I wrote about my garden last night, rather than raising the white flag.
I grocery shopped today.  I homeschooled my children.
I got an email from a friend offering to lend me some maternity clothes. 
A new friend emailed me, and without realizing what she was doing, let me know that she didn’t change her mind about me after meeting me in person for the first time.
I am feeling a bit more myself today, although achy and tired, as would be expected.
I’ve got a hat to knit for a little boy who is going snowboarding tomorrow and I better get to it. 
Sometimes when you really want to let yourself sink, if you will only pay attention, you may find that people all around you are reaching out their hands to help you, you just have to grab hold.  Today, I am so thankful that I am finally learning to do just that.