I’m not sure what happened. When I look back, I think it may have started soon after we returned from our trip. All my days run together though, so it is really hard to say. And while it may have been coming on for a long while now, I realized that I had fallen down about a week ago. A month ago, and I would have told anyone that I do not have a problem with this. A day here a day there, but a week? As much as I love Autumn, I do believe that the change in the air can pull me down. Everywhere I look the colors are so beautiful but for some reason I keep thinking that soon they will all be gone. This morning I took Larkspur, and Beatrix for a long long walk, hoping to clear my mind and regain my footing. It didn’t work. Maybe the gray sky is to blame. I don’t know. I do know that right this instant I am struggling. Rather than seeing the beauty in all the small things, my vision has become clouded by the disorder and mess that surrounds them. You won’t find me hiding in bed with the quilt pulled over my head, because that is not an option for me, nor is it my style. But if you could crawl inside my brain and listen, you would hear me saying, ” Dear God, please help me.” I realize that because of the nature of this space, these words may sound strange. I hesitated to share this because of a mixture of embarrassment and the thought that no one really wants to hear this anyway. Trust me when I say that ultimately I am okay. These feelings will pass. Part of what is hard about this is that it really blindsided me. I think I always get a little low when the seasons change though so I should have expected this. It is such a paradox though, fall is really my favorite time of year. My guess is that all the transition we have lived through this past year is starting to catch up with me, as the reality of raising a hurting child is setting in as well. Maybe it’s just some chemical seasonal thing. Whatever it is, I am sad, and I am lonely. I could be in a room full of people I know right now and still feel alone. I’m going to try and get my house cleaned, get some more fresh air, and maybe bake some brownies, not necessarily in that order. I am going to ask God to help me narrow my focus to one small thing at a time. Sometimes the big picture is too overwhelming.