And into the pit I fall

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I’m not sure what happened.  When I look back, I think it may have started soon after we returned from our trip.  All my days run together though, so it is really hard to say.  And while it may have been coming on for a long while now, I realized that I had fallen down about a week ago.  A month ago, and I would have told anyone that I do not have a problem with this.  A day here a day there, but a week?  As much as I love Autumn, I do believe that the change in the air can pull me down.  Everywhere I look the colors are so beautiful but for some reason I keep thinking that soon they will all be gone.  This morning I took Larkspur, and Beatrix for a long long walk, hoping to clear my mind and regain my footing. It didn’t work.  Maybe the gray sky is to blame.  I don’t know.  I do know that right this instant I am struggling.  Rather than seeing the beauty in all the small things, my vision has become clouded by the disorder and mess that surrounds them.  You won’t find me hiding in bed with the quilt pulled over my head, because that is not an option for me, nor is it my style.  But if you could crawl inside my brain and listen, you would hear me saying, ” Dear God, please help me.”  I realize that because of the nature of this space, these words may sound strange.  I hesitated to share this because of a mixture of embarrassment and the thought that no one really wants to hear this anyway.  Trust me when I say that ultimately I am okay.  These feelings will pass.  Part of what is hard about this is that it really blindsided me.  I think I always get a little low when the seasons change though so I should have expected this.  It is such a paradox though, fall is really my favorite time of year.  My guess is that all the transition we have lived through this past year is starting to catch up with me, as the reality of raising a hurting child is setting in as well.  Maybe it’s just some chemical seasonal thing.  Whatever it is, I am sad, and I am lonely.  I could be in a room full of people I know right now and still feel alone.  I’m going to try and get my house cleaned, get some more fresh air, and maybe bake some brownies, not necessarily in that order.  I am going to ask God to help me narrow my focus to one small thing at a time.  Sometimes the big picture is too overwhelming.

Comments

  1. Wife to the Rockstar says:

    You should never feel embarassed to talk about where you are at. I think SO SO SO many of us Moms and adoptive Moms feel this way. You are letting us all know we are not alone in our struggles. I don't have any advice really. Seasons do pass. Love you –

  2. Liberia Adoption says:

    I'm sorry Ginny. I will be praying for you. you are such an inspiration to us all in bloggy land

  3. You are definitely not alone. Take some time for yourself (maybe not under the covers, but somewhere). Baby steps…I make lists when I am really overwhelmed. And I put things on the lists that I've already done, so it's not as overwhelming, and I even put down "shower" on the list so that I can feel really awesome.Praying for you.

  4. (You can think of it as a "dark night of the soul" and consider yourself in good company.)

  5. Oh, you dear. I am glad you shared this. I like Diana's "therapeutic blogging". So true – though for me, often the more I NEED to blog, the less I have time to do it.It does help me sometimes to intellectually diagnose my problem. At base it is fear. The changing of the seasons harken fear of loss – of those things that keep us alive – sun, warmth and light, growing things to eat. There's a BIG reason why we celebrate All Hallows, and the Day of the Dead this time of year. This fear and loss is deep within everyone. Many just tune it out.At heart, it is fear of death. One of the most important books I ever read was Denial of Death by Ernest Becker (at least I think that's the title). He contends (I hope I state his message correctly) that all fear, all sin, all mental illness is fear of and DENIAL of death. I do not recall if his book had any religious overtones. I do know I saw them. There is one answer for the fear of death – and the fear of anything – JESUS! So, when I look my angst or depression, or unease directly in the face and call myself on being afraid of death. I can go to the cure and not mess around.I'm praying for you, faithful one.

  6. Anonymous says:

    my thoughts and prayers are with you – you are SO not alone!!! Staci

  7. I think we're a lot a like. I was so excited to have the seasons change and lately I too have been down and I don't know why. It just came for far out left field and I didn't even see it coming. Fall and Spring are probably about equal for me. Then winter. I'd do away with summer if I could. But usually in the fall I'm all excited because Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner and there's always such a wonderful sense of family during this time. Yet there seems to be something of a wet blanket laying across my parade this year. I think sometimes we lose our balance and things just don't FEEL right. With hubby having so many problems lately I've done a lot of thinking of what would I do if something were to happen to him (permanently). And that's real scary for me and I won't even go there so I also have a sense of rebellion in that I realize I'd rather keep my head buried in the ground. So lately I have a sense of uneasiness rolling through the canyons of my mind. Our two neighbors directly across the street from us moved out this past weekend (going different directions) but that got me to thinking about new neighbors which lead me to wonder what they will charge for rent which led me to wonder how long before our landlord raises our rent to a level that we can no longer afford which led me to wonder what will happen to us, i.e., homelessness? So I've been huffing it through this incredible scary maze and it's ruining my usual exuberence for Fall. I am a bit of a worrier by nature, I guess. Anyway some times it's just a convergence of a lot of random thoughts and emotions that come together to weigh us down and it is indeed a time to say "Lord, help me." But, like you, I know that this too shall pass. I will be okay in the end. It's just a need to get rid of all the emotional clutter around me this year. But being bipolar I've come to understand that I can feel on top of the world one day and in the bottom of the pit the next. So, Ginny, I will pray for you and ask you to light a candle and say a prayer for me. Just remember that Jesus left us HIS peace! And I have also learned that it's okay to be lonely and sad sometimes. And in order to get to that point, emotionally, I had to go through a lot of lonliness and sadness in my life. It's okay. You're going to be okay. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and lean on the Father and every thing will turn out right. You know that already, I don't need to tell you. You know you're okay. You've just had so much thrown at you this past year. Just stop for a second and think of all that you've been through since Bea was born. Wow! You've been through a lot and you are a very strong woman. I could never have gone through all you've been through. I would have put my thumb in my mouth, crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and curled into a fetal position and stayed there. Know you're being prayed for and know that I'm sending you all kinds of happy and contented thoughts. Some women cry at times like these but I am not a cry-er so I do the next best thing. I knit. Take care my friend.

  8. It doesn't sound strange at all in this space – or anywhere. I've been in that place myself. It is frustrating, frightening, and yes, sad and lonely. I was in that place for a full year after we brought our kids home, actually. That's also about the time I realized how therapeutic blogging was for me, too :-). Hopefully you've cooked the brownies, visited Mr. Sunshine, watched a light hearted movie, and done whatever. Be gentle on yourself and do what you can to take care of you. This journey is exhausting to the core and it exhausts every facet of life, too. I highly recommend long hot bubble baths and frequent visits to Mr. Sunshine. Make sure he kisses your face and eyes at least 5 minutes a day. It will make a big difference.

  9. With you sister………I have been there. It is a big bite to chew when you look at how far you have come with the boys, and realize how far you have yet to go. I promise you it will get better in the end. But sometimes the end feels like it is a LONG way off. I have seen it with my own eyes. The day will come where you will look at them and know that they are okay. You will realize that you feel optimistic, and you will wonder when the huge transformation took place, and you will know that it was a gradual process. And you will be able to honestly say that all is well when people ask you how you are doing!! Hang in there!!Hugs from Colorado!!C

  10. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how it is to feel lonely and overwhelmed. But, by the grace of God you'll get through it :)I'll keep you in my prayers!

  11. I think I understand. I want to hibernate every time the grey cold weather comes around.

  12. waldenbunch says:

    I completely understand. I have written on my blog about the tragedy with our oldest adopted daughter, and difficulties with her 2 younger siblings and the effects on my birth kids. Rough road and very lonely. I have found comfort in the transparency of other women in our same situation, raising hurt kids. And we've been at this for almost 10 years. Some things are easier, some stay the same. You are not alone. One foot in front of the other.

  13. Green Thumb Mama says:

    Ah Ginny. Your words could be mine at times. It's hard when we have the burdens of the world on our shoulders. I will pray that the colors of the season brighten for you.

  14. Ginny, I really feel you on this! I am going through something similar right now. Ever since classes started back up for me in September I've felt like I'm in the middle of a tornado, spiraling more quickly everyday, down, down… I just haven't been able to get my footing yet either, and it's driving me crazy! I'm just a mess of all kinds of emotions, and I don't like it one bit. We'll get through this! I have faith in that. Just hang in there. You're not alone. 🙂

  15. i can completely relate, mama!

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