Water World

Summertime is a messy time.  I write that as if fall, winter, and spring are neat and clean.  I need to face the music:  life is messy year round.  Sometimes I am really good at accepting that and not tying it to personal failure on my part, but instead to my families’ priorities.  We are all fond of big messy projects and tend to choose them over housework most days.  We’re homeschoolers.  We’re supposed to do this stuff, right?  But sometimes I totally snap and start walking around my house seeing all the work that needs to be done and I start to cry.  Saturday was one of those days for me.  And this was the Saturday that followed the Friday night that I went kayaking with Seth.  According to Jonny, kayaking is really good for me.  It should help me to destressify (yes, that’s a made-up word.)  Though, clearly it isn’t full-proof.  Maybe the problem was that I made the foolish choice to take my camera complete with big heavy zoom lens this time.  (Won’t ever take a camera again.  And because I am right now remembering that someone asked how I protect my camera:  I use Pelican cases)  Or maybe it was that the flies were biting and I had to spend a lot of time slapping them off my arms and legs.

As much as I do love this new water world of mine, kayaking isn’t going to save my soul, if you know what I mean.  But paddling around in the water does give me some time to think things over.  On Saturday, I told Jonny that sometimes I feel so oppressed by a heaviness that seems to be rooted in my desire to do a good job raising our family, and that my failings in this department are so evident that it just crushes me.  He suggested that my very best (perfection in my mind) might not be necessary.  That maybe I just need to focus on doing it without holding myself to a unreasonable standard.  I am human after all.  I can’t be perfect.

I am reminded (yet again) of St. Therese of Lisieux and her “little way” and what an important message she has for the tired mother whose work never ends, the mom whose job is never finished.  It’s not what you do, how perfectly you do it, or whether you finish even, but where your heart is in the process.  I struggle because I really love to complete things.  I like to see results.  But so often I am drowning in laundry and my kids are fighting again.  Clearly, the performance mentality I am struggling with is not going to work for me.  And really, what is that about anyway?  I am afraid that at the heart of it, I fall into a pattern of serving myself, rather than my family and even worse, rather than God.  I just want to clean a room and have it stay that way.  I want to teach my kids a lesson and see them take it to heart.  I want to go somewhere as a family and not have kids fighting over who sits where because they are all so kind and generous with each other (because I am doing such a phenomenal job of raising them thank you very much-ha!)  Thankfully, God isn’t demanding to see results:  perfection in housework or even mothering, he’s just asking me to do these things with love.  As long as I am striving for the unattainable, and for the wrong reasons, I am going to find it difficult to love.  I need to focus on the heart behind my every task, rather than the finished product, or how well it is done.  I need to accept the fact that I can’t parent perfectly.  I need to get back to doing small things with love.  And hence, the name of this old blog of mine.  The reminder in my face of the lesson I can’t seem to live consistently.  It’s not the product, but the process.  I was not made for performance, or perfection of task, but for love.  Just do the next thing, don’t worry about doing it well so much as doing it with love.  Okay, Ginny?  You got that? Love.

Kitchen Week

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This week has been devoted to my kitchen.  And I still have a long ways to go, so it looks like it will overflow into next.  Our old refrigerator stopped cooling well a couple of weeks ago, something we only realized after we had several gallons of milk spoil.  I suspected something was up when I was able to get softened butter straight out of the refrigerator.  We bought another one on Craigslist, this one even older, though very big and a fancy brand, so a definite upgrade.  It was an ordeal to get it home and into the house, and we owe a big thanks to our friends for helping.  The only problem outside of it needing a big repair in the next few months is that the new one doesn’t allow for stashing a bunch of crap on top, and if you were paying attention to the photos in this post, you know we have issues with that.  So that stuff spent the week on the kitchen table, and the mess took over the entire room.  Despite my original assessment, I have managed to squeeze a few things on top of the new fridge, and I am making good progress in the rest of the kitchen.  The pantry has been overhauled as well, and Jonny even added another shelf.  I need to be prepared when all the winter squash I planted starts coming in from the garden!

I’m still making pickles, hence needing to clean out the pantry to make room for them all.  I even pulled out my copy of Fermented Vegetables, and started a batch of half sour dills.  My kids hated the results of my last attempt at fermented pickles, so I am hoping that these will turn out better.

And now, back to work with me, though I am thoroughly sick of the kitchen and just want to knit!  I’ve hardly knit at all this week, but if I can get the kitchen finished I know I will be so happy and far more motivated to get in there and make something more interesting for dinner than beans and rice or pizza.